Thursday, May 16, 2013

and i suddenly reilized..{this is a wee bit of a rant}

no one is coming to rescue me,
save me, take care of me,
be responsible for me.
except myself.
and this is okay.
in fact it is more than okay.
it is comforting because i know that i need not wait or strive
or be concerned about my inner stability
it depends not on others and there can be total surrender and trust
and letting go of so much fear
because i can trust myself.
{and i do} 
i am surrounded by people who love me dearly,
would do anything for me,
care for me down to the soles of their feet
and are oh, so  supportive of me.
and i soak up their love and let it fill me,
especially on the heavy days.
i need them
 but i also need myself
{more so, i think}
i need to part of, a bigger part of
"team tania"
{does that make sense?}
 i am the one,
the only one,
who can truly care for myself
and i am the one,
the only one who knows how to do that best,
when i listen to my inner self whisper to me.
i need to start doing what i hear.
{for all you self care masters out there,
 i am aware i am late in learning this lesson,
i won't even nap for goodness sakes}
this week
these past three days
i am learning the lesson of self love,
self preservation,
inner strength
and fortitude
and i am learning them fast.
{and deep}
fast tends to happen
 when your biggest supporter  suddenly is working out of town all week,
every week, in a turn of events that felt too fast, too unfair, too hard and is for too long.
{the days he is here suddenly feel much more important and valuable.}
and all the "things"
that i would save up for him
to help me deal with are now all mine to handle.
{or at least it feels that way}
 it doesn't much matter if i have a husband who works out of town suddenly,
or if there is any other sort of crisis brewing
{and there does always seem to be one in my world}
 because we just don't know,
do we
 and i need to be able to stand on my own two feet and stand firm,
 because i know how to care for myself.
my wobbly legs need to firm up and remember their strong roots again.
and maybe when you see me,
you think that i do stand firm and when i sway, i do so with  grace and strength
 because my roots are deep,
but until last night, until this morning,
i didn't believe it and now i do
and that is what matters.
i believe what others see
and i believe i know how to meet my needs
and i am so proud.
i have of course had lots of trial runs with this process,
it's just that last night i woke up to myself and said
"you need to take care of yourself girl!"
and it sunk in finally.
  this is my
moment this year! 
i can and will  take care of myself,
feed myself,  do what i need to do to be healthy
even if that feels selfish, and costs money
and means my life looks different than it has.
even if it looks strangely different
from your self care rituals,
 or my husbands or friends.
it makes sense
that we would all  have different strategies and rituals
 and ways to take good care,
after all,
we are all so wonderfully unique.
i need to just do what i need to do.
and so i am.

1 comment:

  1. that's a great last paragraph. We do what we need to do to survive sometimes, even if it looks a little strange sometimes or doesn't conform. A couple of days ago i had a little snooze on the couch in the sun, in the middle of the day, very unusual for me! Heather x