and i suddenly reilized..{this is a wee bit of a rant}

 

no one is coming to rescue me,

save me, take care of me,

be responsible for me.

 

except myself.

 

and this is okay.

in fact it is more than okay.

 

it is comforting because i know that i need not wait or strive

or be concerned about my inner stability

it depends not on others and there can be total surrender and trust

and letting go of so much fear

because i can trust myself.

 

{and i do} 

 

 

i am surrounded by people who love me dearly,

would do anything for me,

care for me down to the soles of their feet

and are oh, so  supportive of me.

and i soak up their love and let it fill me,

especially on the heavy days.

 

i need them

{alot}

 but i also need myself

{more so, i think}

i need to part of, a bigger part of

"team tania"

 

{does that make sense?}

 

 i am the one,

the only one,

who can truly care for myself

and i am the one,

the only one who knows how to do that best,

when i listen to my inner self whisper to me.

 

i need to start doing what i hear.

 

{for all you self care masters out there,

 i am aware i am late in learning this lesson,

i won't even nap for goodness sakes}

 

this week

these past three days

i am learning the lesson of self love,

self preservation,

inner strength

and fortitude

and i am learning them fast.

{and deep}

 

fast tends to happen

 when your biggest supporter  suddenly is working out of town all week,

every week, in a turn of events that felt too fast, too unfair, too hard and is for too long.

{the days he is here suddenly feel much more important and valuable.}

and all the "things"

that i would save up for him

to help me deal with are now all mine to handle.

{or at least it feels that way}

 

 it doesn't much matter if i have a husband who works out of town suddenly,

or if there is any other sort of crisis brewing

{and there does always seem to be one in my world}

 because we just don't know,

do we

 and i need to be able to stand on my own two feet and stand firm,

 because i know how to care for myself.

my wobbly legs need to firm up and remember their strong roots again.

and maybe when you see me,

you think that i do stand firm and when i sway, i do so with  grace and strength

 because my roots are deep,

but until last night, until this morning,

i didn't believe it and now i do

and that is what matters.

i believe what others see

and i believe i know how to meet my needs

and i am so proud.

just.so.proud.

 

i have of course had lots of trial runs with this process,

it's just that last night i woke up to myself and said

"you need to take care of yourself girl!"

and it sunk in finally.

 

  this is my

 {second}

a-ha!

moment this year! 

 

i can and will  take care of myself,

feed myself,  do what i need to do to be healthy

even if that feels selfish, and costs money

and means my life looks different than it has.

even if it looks strangely different

from your self care rituals,

 or my husbands or friends.

it makes sense

that we would all  have different strategies and rituals

 and ways to take good care,

after all,

we are all so wonderfully unique.

i need to just do what i need to do.

and so i am.