truth.

 

i don't actually do any digging

in the garden.

or wheel barowing

 or much of anything

 that requires physical strength.

 

i can't.

and with that truth

i lay to rest a whole lot of hopes and dreams and ideals.

last summer i comforted myself with the belief that

"next summer i will be better, stronger, more capable"

and now it is here, and i am none of those things.

 

yesterday there was a hot parade of tears pouring

down my face

as i argued with myself and the limitations of this body of mine,

as i found myself flat against the limitations of myself.

as i felt the betrayal of this body of mine, again and again,

in my favorite space,

barefoot amongst the grass and the dirt.

 

i am struggling to make peace,

slowly and painfully

with the truth that i am not going to be a gardener much longer,

at least not the "gardener" i envisioned i would always be,

the gardener who has a chicken under one arm and a shovel in the other,

surrounded by bounty grown and cared for by my hands and my heart.

 

that gardener.

can you see her?

i want to be her.

 

making peace

 with changing dreams,

with the labels we use to define ourselves

is work.

 hard work.

sometimes it feels as though i have been digging with a shovel for hours

even though the excavating is all soul work.

 

 while i am very close to laying to rest the name

"gardener"

from my vocabulary

because it serves no one to hold onto what we are not,

and it is like salt in a wound to be called something i can not be,

 

i am confident that there is another plan for me.

another connection-

one that honors both

 my love of the earth

 and my fragile body that i need to respect.

 

perhaps that is making the reality easier,

holding onto the hope of what is to be,

 rather than focusing on what isn't able to be any longer.

letting go with grace and trust.

allowing myself room to grieve but also anticipate.

 

 

but it is still hard, you know,

to see that what nourishes my soul

is slowly, season by season,

being taken away from me

and i struggle to remain optimistic.