oh yea.

i am trying to remember

this today.

i saw love.

yesterday.

i saw adoration

when he spoke of her.

we were sipping our starbucks,

waiting.

and when he spoke

i saw love

in his eyes,

as they shone glossy and grew moist.

his voice lowered and grew more deliberate

as he spoke.

and i thought.

yes. i have that too.

i know that feeling of tenderness towards another

tenderness that grew out of deep hurt and loneliness.

i know that kind of love.

it's easy and fitting and true to say things like

"they saved me." "he is my hero" "she is the reason i am so happy today"

and it is important to speak those affirmations loudly and often.

and to whisper them into the winds.

i do.

and he was.

today,

 just moments ago,

 in the kitchen,

mixing sweet dough for cinnamon buns

thinking about his declarations, his tear filled eyes,

my own deep love for owen and all he has saved me from,

i had a thought.

i also chose him.

 i made a healthy choice.

 i believed in myself enough to turn away

from  dysfunctional relationships and into one that is true and healthy and life giving.

i believed enough in the transformative power of love to try again;

in the hope of what love brings.

i am also a part of this love story.

i am the other half.

this too is worth celebrating

(eight years later- it takes me a while sometimes to put the pieces together)

and for my friend,

he too is worthy of the affirmations he speaks so lovingly towards her..

he too,

he too,

chose bravely.

and that is worth being misty eyes about.

he is the other half of their story.

a little bit like the spring that is arriving.

it's been two months since i gave myself the gift

of a year off.

and i couldn't be more grateful.

i also am slightly amused

 at how wholeheartedly i fought and feared the days that lay ahead of me,

 bare and unknown.

 i am grateful for that important process though.

grateful that i gave voice to my inner conflicts.

 i am learning to be gentler with myself,

 reading back on old posts and journals and art work and seeing just how scared i was

 and now,

reilizing just how brave we all really are.

this journey while unique to me,

is not  mine alone.

we all have life choices to make and then walk out in faith and trust.

i actually can't quite comprehend how i managed the working, the illness, the parenting, the housekeeping, the gardening, the schooling, the day to day living, the friendships.

i can't comprehend it because i wasn't living it.

i was surviving.

 there is nothing wrong with having the skills to survive.

we need them.

 but i don't think everyday should be an exercise in survival.

everyday should be a celebration of living.

of experiencing.

of being in the moment.

this moment.

remember?

just this week i feel like i am coming up for air.

i felt enough energy to pull my house apart in an exhuberant spring cleaning party

(but i don't seem to have enough energy to put it back together..oops!)

i feel enough room in my heart and my head to have tea dates again.

face to face interactions, the exchanging of lives and ideas and dreams and heartbreaks.

enough room to allow others in again.

i even picked up my phone today and chatted for an hour.

an entire hour with a dear friend.

(for those of you who don't know me well, i have a "thing" about the phone)

i am constantly amazed at where my days go.

but so filled with gratitude that they are filled,

often with the curly-haired girl, or the husband who is my hero.

how did i fit work and school into these already full hours?

true, i spend time now baking and arting and reading

and i wasn't doing much of that by the end of last year.

and i do sometimes sleep in when i haven't slept the night before

but i am always up by 8...

which is late considering i was working by 615 back then.

it's as if a whole new world has opened up to me.

and it feels vaguely familiar

( i was a stay at home mom way way back in the day)

there are moments now to feel the delight of home cooked food,

the pleasure of watching bread rise,

 trips to the library and magical walks at the beach.

there are long, uninterupted hours to invest in my children

and friends, and family and husband.

and self.

and i am grateful.

everyday.

and i am aware of the sacrifices being made.

by owen. by myself.

those sacrifices serve to remind me to be grateful.

to count each day as a gift.

to allow myself the time to heal, to restore, to thrive.

and i do.

i feel like a little plant,

maybe a tiny snow drop

or a beloved pussy willow tree.

it feels like spring.

watching the sky today...

and noticing tiny puffs of clouds

and a whole lot of sunshine.

i'm watching the trees today

and noticing buds and birds chirping happily.

i'm watching the garden today

and counting the days until my hyacinth bravely opens and scents my world.

i'm watching my attitude today

and keeping my thoughts happy and healthy and full of love

i'm watching the waves today.

in a little while,

i am going to take a quick stop at the ocean.

i am watching my tendencies today.

my delight in emptying spaces to make room for

well, nothing really.

i just like empty spaces.

i am watching my tongue today

and speaking life and love and affirmation and strength into my children.

so much watching on this day that is not yet half done.

wise words from a wonderful gentleman.

"it's not just another day.

it's the one that was given to you today.

it's given to you.

it's a gift.

it's the only gift that you have right now and the only appropriate response is

gratefulness.

if you do nothing else but to cultivate that response

to the great gift that this unique day is,

if you learn to respond as if it were the first day in your life

and the very last day

then you will have spent this day very well.

Begin by opening your eyes and be suprised you have eyes you can open to see

that incredible array of colours that is offered to us for pure enjoyment.

look at the sky

we so rarely look at the sky

we so rarely note how different it is from moment to moment

with clouds coming and going.

we just think of the weather and even with the weather

we don't think of all the nuances of weather.

we just think of good and bad weather.

This day right now,

this unique weather may be a kind that will never exactly in that form come again.

The formation of clouds in the sky will never be the same that is right now.

Open your eyes, look at that.

Look at the faces of people we meet.

each one has an incredible story behind their face.

a story we could never fully fathom.

not only their own story but the story of their ancestors.

they all go back so far and in this present moment

on this day...all the people you meet..

all that life from generations and from so many places all over the world

flow and come together and meet you here.

like life giving water if you only open your heart and drink.

Open your heart to the incredible gifts that civilization gives to us.

You flip a switch and there is electric light.

You turn a faucet and there is warm water and cold water

and drinkable water!

A gift that millions and millions in the world will never experience.

i wish you to open your heart to all these blessings

and let them flow through you and that everyone whom you will meet on this day

will be blessed by you.

just by your eyes. by your smile. by your touch.

just by your presence.

Let the gratefulness overflow into blessing

all around you.

and then,

 it will really be a good day."

oh. what a wonderful reminder.

what i am trying to practice...

"litte girl, don't you go letting life harden your heart."

we can let life's circumstances harden us

 so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid

, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us.

We always have this choice.

We choose the script we are listening to in our head.

We can, at any time rewrite it and start anew.

this is hard. it is tedious. it requires large amounts of chocolate.

this practice forces me to sit and stare at my situations and make a choice.

if every situation is an opportunity for growth

for teaching

but i let my fears or my gremlins chat away in my head

i risk losing the moment.

the breakthrough.

the lesson waiting for me.

so often, i am seeing that my fears come back to control.

i want to be in control.

not in a tyranical, mean boss sort of way

but as a means of protecting and saving others..

which then perhaps doesn't  allow them their own journey and teachings.

wanting to save them from the very moments that create us to be who we are.

it is understandable of course,

we don't want to see those we love in pain. ever.

ever.ever.ever.

and there are times when safety comes first

but i need to get out of the way sometimes

let go of the fears. trust the bigger process.

i need to cultivate a soft heart.

some random thoughts from today...

this week has found me quiet.

i am feeling there is a disconnect from my thoughts

and my vocalization.

it is as if the pathways between the two are broken.

perhaps it is a side effect of the medication

or perhaps the side effect of having a teenage girl

or perhaps i spend too much time alone

and am forgetting how to talk.

i laugh now at the list of fears i penned just before i stopped working.

i am glad that i wrote them down though because i can look back and smile at mysef

and catch a gimpse of who i am and what i need to work on.

i was worried that i would stop getting out of bed

or i would cry and cry and never stop.

i was afraid of the unknown and imagined all sorts of monsters in the closet.

they didn't arrive

and of course, are not going to be this late for the party.

i am too comfortable and grateful in this place for fears to have the upperhand.

owen says i need to become more confident

believe in myself more,

see me as others see me.

i laughed at him but then of course,

started thinking about his words.

perhaps my quietness is because there is so much noise around me.

so i retreat. shut down my voice as a way of coping with the voices of others.

mmm..that leans towards over analyzing though.

the winter is coming to an end.

it has been dark and cold and blustery here in my yard

today there was a brilliant show of spring time

if only for the morning,

and i felt energized and motivated and began to sort and tidy and dream of my garden.

i started my gardening journal

and became quite giddy with the hope that spring brings.

the house is quiet.

the girl is out, the manchilds are working. the dear husband as well.

just me. my blue chair and my thoughts.

this post is very much a glimpse into my thoughts today.

all over the place.

do you have days like that?