Thursday, March 1, 2012

some random thoughts from today...

this week has found me quiet.
i am feeling there is a disconnect from my thoughts
and my vocalization.
it is as if the pathways between the two are broken.

perhaps it is a side effect of the medication
or perhaps the side effect of having a teenage girl
or perhaps i spend too much time alone
and am forgetting how to talk.

i laugh now at the list of fears i penned just before i stopped working.
i am glad that i wrote them down though because i can look back and smile at mysef
and catch a gimpse of who i am and what i need to work on.
i was worried that i would stop getting out of bed
or i would cry and cry and never stop.
i was afraid of the unknown and imagined all sorts of monsters in the closet.
they didn't arrive
and of course, are not going to be this late for the party.
i am too comfortable and grateful in this place for fears to have the upperhand.

owen says i need to become more confident
believe in myself more,
see me as others see me.
i laughed at him but then of course,
started thinking about his words.

perhaps my quietness is because there is so much noise around me.
so i retreat. shut down my voice as a way of coping with the voices of others.

mmm..that leans towards over analyzing though.

the winter is coming to an end.
it has been dark and cold and blustery here in my yard
today there was a brilliant show of spring time
if only for the morning,
and i felt energized and motivated and began to sort and tidy and dream of my garden.
i started my gardening journal
and became quite giddy with the hope that spring brings.

the house is quiet.
the girl is out, the manchilds are working. the dear husband as well.
just me. my blue chair and my thoughts.

this post is very much a glimpse into my thoughts today.
all over the place.
do you have days like that?

1 comment:

  1. Thoughts all over the place? Oh, yes. Mine love to rampage around, kicking up their heels, scattering me completely.

    I find comfort from my own fears for the future in the news that a collection of yours are now a source of laughter to you... Writing them down is good in so many ways, isn't it?

    And I love the tulips. My thoughts are running to Spring today, too.