an unraveling

there is an unraveling

occurring.

and i can feel it speeding up

and this scares me.

i am not at all surprised

and i feel that i am prepared

i am preparing myself and my family

for what it may look like

i am reading all the right books

i am creating my safety net.

but you know,

despite all these great intentions

and deliberate actions

the truth it

it is scary.

it is frightening to feel yourself fall away at the edges

and know that there is nothing you can do

but let it happen

i don't know a lot about knitting

but i do know that that first stitch is very important

it has to be on just right

and if it is

the rest of the stitches will be okay.

(i think at least - this is what i am going with so don't tell me if i am wrong)

later,

if the knitting is messed up,

you can unravel your stitching and get back to that first

solid connection with the needle

and start again.

so this is what i know for sure

right now.

(these change often these days i've noticed)

i know that i have an amazing capacity

to be unravelled.

i have been unraveled before

and always come back stronger

and more uniquely and closely me.

i also know that i have never

unravelled publicly before

so this is new.

and there is a part of me

today, that is screaming to go hide.

stop sharing.

stop being vulnerable.

(which is why i am blogging in the early am because i might not be brave enough in a few hours)

however, i feel i need to stay connected.

this seems to be important.

here is what unraveling looks like today:
nightmares

lots of tears at random times

deep sorrow

physical pain

a messy messy kitchen

pj's

a warm blanket at all times

so much sadness

so many questions

here is what i also see:

hope

awareness

gentle acceptance of myself

owen right beside me...super close

a slowing down of time that allows for purposeful interactions

hot baths

naps

distractions

this is me today.

tomorrow will be a new story.