Sunday, November 13, 2011

an unraveling

there is an unraveling
and i can feel it speeding up
and this scares me.

i am not at all surprised
and i feel that i am prepared
i am preparing myself and my family
for what it may look like

i am reading all the right books
i am creating my safety net.
but you know,
despite all these great intentions
and deliberate actions
the truth it

it is scary.
it is frightening to feel yourself fall away at the edges
and know that there is nothing you can do
but let it happen

i don't know a lot about knitting
but i do know that that first stitch is very important
it has to be on just right
and if it is
the rest of the stitches will be okay.
(i think at least - this is what i am going with so don't tell me if i am wrong)
if the knitting is messed up,
you can unravel your stitching and get back to that first
solid connection with the needle
and start again.

so this is what i know for sure
right now.
(these change often these days i've noticed)
i know that i have an amazing capacity
to be unravelled.
i have been unraveled before
and always come back stronger
and more uniquely and closely me.

i also know that i have never
unravelled publicly before
so this is new.
and there is a part of me
today, that is screaming to go hide.
stop sharing.
stop being vulnerable.
(which is why i am blogging in the early am because i might not be brave enough in a few hours)
however, i feel i need to stay connected.
this seems to be important.

here is what unraveling looks like today:
lots of tears at random times
deep sorrow
physical pain
a messy messy kitchen
a warm blanket at all times
so much sadness
so many questions

here is what i also see:
gentle acceptance of myself
owen right beside me...super close
a slowing down of time that allows for purposeful interactions
hot baths

this is me today.
tomorrow will be a new story.

1 comment:

  1. Trust is the hardest part for me. And you are right about that first stitch... but the unravelling, the taking back, that's just as difficult as making the first stitch... i wish you courage.