saying goodbye...

i am spending each spare moment i have

over the next 2 days

saying goodbye to my dear vayda...

i feel like i am losing a piece of my heart

and my arm,

as she has been attached to both since birth.

i will be back to blog on saturday

after the goodbyes are over



oh Monday....

monday...

full of decisions to make

and juggling of people to accomplish

and sorting of weekend memories and experiences

please be gentle with me today.



Rebuilding...

i think,

when i first got sick

i thought that if i just went away from my life,

or disappeared for a while,

things would get better.

i would rest. and restore. and take care of myself.

all by myself.

with the help and love of my family of course.

but i wouldn't include others in the process.

i would be brave and stoic and private.

and i would get better.

this was after all just a minor (well major) inconvenience

and it would be gone soon.

now i reilize that this isn't the case.

being alone isn't making anything better.

and having a few close support systems in place

is actually life saving.

(thank you K&K)

and i am now recognizing that this is my new life.

this disease is a part of who i am and who i may be for a long time

and i don't want to hide away "waiting to get better"

so here i am trying to rebuild.

make connections with people i have neglected

being brave with myself and my needs

asking for understanding and grace.

rebuilding.



50 Things I love about Summer

               1. Daisies in ditches

 2.Sprinklers

3. Sun Tea

                                4. Saturday Farmer's Markets

            5. Painted Toe Nails

       6. Barbeques

 7. Open Windows

   8. Fresh Basil

     9. Sunshine

                         10. Hand Painted Rocks

                               11. Sleepy Teenagers Rising at Noon

          12. Picnic Dinners

  13. Glo Sticks

         14. Barefoot Beach Walks

               15. Lemonaide Stands

     16. Daily Watering

                                             17. Wild Blackerries, free for the picking

18. Family Visits

19. Blue Skies

20. Tiki Torches

21. Striped Pillows

22. Cool Breezes

23. Shell Collecting

24. Blowing Bubbles

25. Farm Fresh Strawberies

26. Collecting Driftwood

27. Lazy Evenings

28. Library Books

29. Dragonfiles in the Garden

30. Butterfles Fluttering By

31. Afternoon Naps

32. Listening to jack Johnson

33. Pulling Weeds

34. Beach Blankets

35. Starbucks Drive Thru's

36.Wearing Flipflops

37. Summer Dresses

38. Ice

39. Street Entertainers

40. Patio Dining

41. Art in the Garden

42. Buttercups

43. Scents of Roses

44. Yard Sales

45. Bumblebees

46. Suntans

47. New Freckles

48. Lazy Days

49. Star Gazing

50. Mini Golf



i am grateful this week for...

art blowing in the wind in the garden

coversations that go well

the common sense to take my prednisone right away this time

old friends over for dinner

the smell of hamburgers ( oh how i wanted one!)

roses starting to bloom in the garden

children squealing with delight in the sprinkler!

the anticipation of blissful moments ahead

hannah's curly hair

cilantro scented fingers

tea

daisies...daisies everywhere

borrowing magazines from the library

watching bumble bees stumble in the clover

nap time



a love note to myself...written February 18,2011

(this was not written because i think i am "all that". i wrote this to myself during a very hard time in my illness and was encouraged to do so as an act of self preservation. it worked...and i need to be reminded so that is why i am sharing it with you today...to remember myself and also to encourage you to love yourself)

A love note to you...

Today I saw that you really practiced reflective listening with people. i am proud of you for taking the time to hear what people and especially children are trying to tell you.

I appreciate that you are willing to always learn more about your job. I think it is admirable that you refresh your skills and read alot to help you love and guide the children in a more meaninful manner.

I love you. I love your messy hair and love of candy. I love that you love to make messy art and accept sloppy kisses. I love your desire to be the best person you can be, even if that requires hard soul work and letting go of so much.

I value your health alot and I am grateful that you have taken your medicine every day. I value you resting when you are tired. I appreciate you feeding me with abundance so you can be nourished for the next stage.

Thank you for loving yourself through this letter. Believe every word-they are true. And guess what? When you mess up later, it's still all true. I love you!

Me



wear sunscreen...

as hannah was leaving for school today we exchanged our usual goodbyes and i love you's

and then she said to me:

"don't forget to wear sunscreen"

"I won't" I replied.

"I worry about you being out in the sun all day...don't forget!"

ahhh..i love this girl.

she challenges me. oh my she challenges me.

or maybe i challenge myself because i want only the best for her

i want to see her become the spectacular woman that i know she is meant to be.

i also ache for her.

being a teenage girl is tough. figuring it all out. trying to naviagate all the paths that are offered.

she is a fierce one and our love for each other is equally fierce.

sometimes it sounds angry and hurt and bitter and lound

and other times

it sounds gentle and encouraging and kindhearted.

there often is the sound of crazy laughter and shouts and ridiculous negotiations...

but always,

there is that love that is deep and forever and stronger than anything!

i love this girl!

today

"Today I live in the quiet joyous expectation of good."

-Ernest Holmes



fluctuating emotions...

it's one of those days.

you know the ones?

 where you start out feeling optimistic and ready for the day

but by the end there is a bone aching weariness that has crept in

and is trying to take over every inch of your being?

yup. that's me right now.

 i had some great moments today- i made plans with friends we haven't seen for

way too long.

i giggled and cuddled and loved on the little ones.

i shared moments with two of my four

and with owen too.

but i also was at a loss for words a few times today.

not sure if what i was doing was completly right or completly wrong.

i was criticized today and have been unable to let those words roll off my back as they need to.

i am too tired to do the dishes or fold the laundry or even think about sweeping the floor.

and if i could, i would crawl into bed right now

but it is only 730 and i am too old to go to bed at 730.

sometimes i envy the little ones who get to have a warm bath and get tucked into bed so early.

i just wish there was some way to ride the roller coaster of my day

and not feel so tossed around.

seriously. i have been working with people for over 20 years

and i still don't have thick enough skin to make it through the rough moments of a day

without having a personal reaction.

i asked owen if i would ever grow thick skin....

he doesn't think so.

apparantly it is part of my "charm" and part of what makes me who i am.

anyhow,

i need to figure out a way to manage my reactions to others words and actions

and leave what isn't mine with who it belongs to

and carry forward only what is meant for me right?



owen.sweet.owen.

i remember when i told my friend Leila

way back 7 or so years ago,

that I was going to marry Owen

she burst into tears and quietly whispered

to me that she had been so afraid I would be all alone

when I was older.

at the time, i brushed her off as being one of those romantic, sentimental types

(which I am not)

why would it matter if I were alone? I had been alone for 5 years with my kids already

and was doing okay.

of course I was thrilled to be getting married but I didn't really understand what her

heart was telling me.

but now, after a few years of raising kids together

working through all the issues that come with being married together

battling a nasty illness together

loving our  extended families together

camping together

moving houses (a few times) together

travelling on an airplane or two together

having teenagers and young adults together

drinking martinis and eating yummy food together

crying and laughing hysterically together

transitioning from job to job together

losing people we care about so much together

and perhaps, growing a wee bit older together

i understand.

a day without owen would be one that I can't even imagine

without hot tears forming under my eyelids and then rolling silently down my cheeks.

saturday.sweet saturday.

"Teach us to delight in simple things"

-Rudyard Kipling



i am grateful this week for...

the start of some warmer weather

quiet afternoons when small children nap and the air is still with their quiet breathing

watching kate and her mom reconnect in my backyard

pea blossoms

vanilla candles in the evening by my bed

blueberries

bumblebees doing their important work in the chive patch

my lovely children and their love and patience with me as i try to navigate our lives together

fresh basil growing in my window

the spirit and determination of the good people of Vancouver cleaning up their city

Barry's official Canadian documents!

the optimism a weekend holds

a new day

i tumbled out of bed this morning,

groggy and heavy hearted

sad with the events that unfolded in Vancouver last night.

as i sat and watched the news after the game

watching the people jumping

and jumping, smashing and kicking

screaming and jearing

i was reminded

of just how angry our society is.

and i wondered.

 we really don't have to want for anything, risk our lives for

daily survival, regulary fear for our safety, wonder where our

next meal will come from,

mourn the frequent deaths of our family and friends due to war and sickness.

why are we so angry?

and how can we let some of that anger go in a healthy way. how can i

teach my soon to be (and already) twenty something children

how to find some meaning in their lives that will prevent them from

becoming part of the generation of angry people

when i tumbled out of bed today,

i also had other thoughts...

what would i do today with my small ones

to ensure that they grow into kind, loving, peacful people?

missing us

i have been missing you!

i have been missing a place to write my random thoughts.

i have been struggling with "to blog or not to blog"

do i wait till you are able to blog again

or do i just keep on chatting at you and when you can join me you will and if you can't is that okay?

i think i need this.

i need a place to put down some of my thoughts

my struggles, my triumphs, my little bits of Tania.

it is lonely sometimes in my world,

partially by my own chosing, partially due to my limited energy.

but lonely non the less.

and writing is a way for me to feel less lonely

and that is important to me.

so i am going to start blogging to you again.

no pressure. hopefully you will read my letters to you

but even if you don't that's okay because i will have gotten out what i need to say.

i think i will blog everyday because i think i have lots bottled up inside.

i feel heavy and guarded and on edge

and perhaps letting some of that spill out will help

me feel lighter.