hope

to cherish a desire with anticipation

to expect with confidence

to anticipate, await and hope for

kinda like a package of seeds.

a whole lot of hopefulness.

i wonder where we find our hopefulness.

what is it that makes us hopeful in the first case?

is it a faith in God?

for some, yes.

is it encouraging stories from others?

for some, yes.

is there any choice but to be hopeful?

what happens to those who give up hope?

how long does one go on hoping for?

forever, i imagine.

to cherish a desire with anticipation.

cherish is a heart word..

one that is cherished is held close to our heart.

the word desire worries me a little in the above definition

because i am well aware that my desires

are not always God's desires or even another person's desires.

if my desires and the person i am being hopeful for

are not the same,

then how is it all going to work out?

then there is that word anticipation..

that seems to indicate a certain amount of

excitement.

what if i am too weary to be excited?

when i looked up the definition for hope

i am not sure what i wanted to see.

but i don't think the above definitions are

bringing me the comfort i was seeking.

i wonder why?

my goodness this blog is full of questions.

questions that i have no answers for

and don't really think i want answers for.

i think i am just needing to put them out there.

fears with question marks.



grateful right now!

grateful for the ginorumous bouquet of sunflowers i picked from my garden

and had the sense to keep for myself this time.

grateful for the ice-tea from sbux that owen just unexpectedly dropped off for me.

grateful that i get to have dinner with caleb every wednsday night all because

owen thought we should be more intentional about it and we were and caleb considers it be a priority now too.

grateful that there are women out there who, instead of giving advice, give understanding

grateful that one of the three bathrooms is clean.

grateful right this minute that 3 of the 5 little ones are sleeping.

grateful that kindness does indeed change things.

grateful that our couch was full last night with  our teenage/adult children.

grateful that i am learning so slowly to walk away when i have nothing nice to say. i am trying very very hard to only speak words that make souls stronger but it can be very tricky.

grateful that i understand that it takes a whole lot of people to bring us to where we need to be and that not all of us have the same style or method but that is okay.

grateful to see the sun rising over the big maple tree in the backyard this morning.

grateful that tonight i have a little house guest who is going to let me paint her nails.

grateful that i still know how to be grateful. gratitude is so important to me and i am thankful that i have a greatful heart.

grateful that i am looking forward to my future...i think it involves collecting a piece of paper or two.

grateful that i learned how to switch the comment section on my blog so now my readers can leave comments super duper easily if they want to.

grateful for my extended family

grateful. just super grateful right now!

i always thought it was optimism...

there is a difference of opinion

in our house these days

between owen and i.

am i eternally optimistic

or just

really, really

forgetful?

i am absolutly convinced

often in my daily life

that

"this has never happened before"

or

"i have never felt this heartbroken"

or

"i can't believe "this" is happening!!

all with genuine

amazement and fresh emotional reaction.

i have always thought that

i am a very optimistic person

and therefore as soon as something

tricky or difficult or hard has occured

and been processed and we've all moved forward

i forget about most of the hurt and negativity

and life continues forward

full of goodness and light.

well,

owen has gently mentioned to me

that perhaps i am just really forgetful.

because apparantly

our newest challenges we are working through

right now

have happened before!

what?!

no!

but, yes, apparantly

there have been some tough teenage years in our house in the past

and we got through them together

and said teenager is now an adult

and still speaks to us and loves us and has an

 independent life.

huh?

apparantly i shed hot tears and anguished

and learned some new things

and we all stretched and grew together

and then i forgot.

i guess.

granted,

it is more complicated this time

but the question remains..

is it optimism or forgetfulness?

i think it's a little of both.

and so does he.

Welcoming Autumn...

pumpkin fields

funny shaped gourds

warm tea and chocolate while bundled up outside

fiery leaves twirling to the ground

crunching on leaves during walks

sunflowers all through the garden

anticipating Thanksgiving

(and the smell of Turkey)

candles in the evening

windy days

hot chocolate

(but i have to figure out how to make almond milk)

glorious sunshine after foggy mornings

frosty mornings

i love autumn.

favorite season

followed closely by spring.

understanding what is ours...

i am being challenged

to understand what is mine

and what is

in no way mine.

and it is

a very hard lesson to be learning

i am a slow learner...

a gentle learner

and neither of those have been offered to me.

 i am desperate

to get it right

but i know that learning

doesn't always work that way.

we often get it "wrong"

many times over before we finally

surrender and trust and learn.

there is a fierce blending

of me and her

a blending of souls

and i assumed

that we would always stay blended.

but that is not the case.

individuals need to seperate

and that is where

the learning comes in.

what is mine?

what is hers?

what is left that might be ours?

heartwrenching it is watching the seperation

but

feeling the seperation is almost more painful that heartwrenching

and i didn't know there was a more painful than heartwrenching feeling out there.

(there is- i think it might be called heartstomping)

and being able to let go

let go of what is not mine to carry

but to also know what is mine to carry

is almost impossible right now.

so i sit

and i sit and i wait

and i watch

and i listen

and i blunder

and i cry and i cry

and i get angry

 and i get angrier than the last angry moment

and then i start again

and i give away another piece of "us"

so that she can find "her"

and i can find "me"

and really i wish i didn't have to do any of it

i wish i could turn back the clock

i wish that life wasn't so full of lesssons

 that

seem to only be learned through experience

but i know that i know that i know

that this is what i am meant to be learning right now.

melting what is frozen

sometimes we don't even reilize

that hearts are freezing up.

they are becoming

hard and frozen

and rigid

and cold to the touch.

sometimes

we are so "busy"

that we fail to notice the

layer of ice that is forming.

solid and thick.

what does it take to melt what is frozen?

warmth,

sunshine,

cupped hands around a cold heart

warm blankets and tea.

an understanding of why freezing happened in the first place

a willingness to feel the coldness

and sit with it.

waiting for the dripping to begin

the softening and the melting.

i kinda imagine it like an icecube

that has a raspberry frozen right in the center.

it looks so pretty on the outside

but it isn't until the ice melts away

that i can savour and enjoy the

fruit in the center.

that is what is it like when softening a frozen heart.

seeing all the ice and 

loving it while it melts

knowing that deep within

is a heart of gold.

w,x,y and z...

weathered and worn

i've got nothing for x...i tried but no luck!

yellow!

and nothing for z...big suprise there!

happy first day of fall...

and happy birthday to my hannah.

i am glad the project i gave myself is over.

i miss writing.

alot.



that should be s,t,u and v...

sail boat

(hand crafted by owen's dad)

Tomato Love

Unique

(and so adorable this woman is!)

Vegetable Soup!

interupting the alphabet

i work with two amazing women!

and i am so blessed.

and i just needed to say that today to someone.

so blessed!

when i worked at Lighthouse

we had a great team

in our little room

and i was so sad to be working alone

when i started my daycare

but over the past year

there has been a new team created

maria. krista and i

and i am beyond honoured

to spend my days with these women.

p,q,r,s and t tomorrow!

p,q and r...

persistence

quacking quackaroos!

reading...

oh how we love to read!



m,n and o

mmmm

noticing

optimist

oh what a weekend i had.

i am optimistic that this is going to be

 a fabulous week!

j,k and l

joyful!

kindred

(for 20+years)

lovely.

pretty images from my week...and g,h and i

Glorious

(especially if you could smell it!)

Hopeful

(to one day feel better)

Inspiring

(and what I am trying to always do)

Happy Friday!

d,e,f

Determined

Embrace

Family

ok, so this is way harder than i though

and i have alot of photos to choose from.

i think i need to have some word inspiration

before i start picking photos!

abc's...

a is for adore

b is for bounty

c is for content

d,e and f tomorrow...

i'm needing a Project being i am not in school right now

and i love love projects...

so i am working my way through the

with my photos.

digging deep

sometime when i am weary,

like today,

i need to dig deep to remember where i am.

i need to pull on the reserves

that are deep within me to get through my day

even my moment.

this is one of those days.

it isn't suprising that i am weary today.

i have been blessed these past few weeks

with two adventures,

both with strong emotional connections

and my work is full of caring and loving

and my parenting is also full of caring and loving

so i am not concerned or upset that i am weary

i am just noticing it.

noticing that today my heart is tender

and i am extra sensitive

and i am quicker to sigh heavily.

i was told today by someone

who doesn't know me very well i guess

that

people only do daycare for the money.

that hurt.

alot.

i was also today today by someone who knows me very well

that

i am appreciated and loved.

that felt better.

maybe the weather has something to do with the weariness

but i don't think so.

i think i am just in need of some rest.

some soul rest and heart rest

and physical rest.

rest is good.

1000 km and a very special visit

watching her sink into owen's strong arms

still brings hot tears to my eyes

listening to her explain all about how she feels about her new home

still brings hot tears to my eyes

cuddling in the morning after she woke up and came to find us

still sleeping, but quickly awakened by her soft "ta-ta wake up"

still brings hot tears to my eyes

listening to the wonder in her voice as she asked

"you drove all this way to see ME? why?"

still brings hot tears to my eyes.

it was worth every kilometer we travelled

and we will do it again and again

pretty images from my week...(holiday edition)

there is beauty everywhere we look.

i love finding it:)

happy weekend!

words i hear...

i don't often blog about my job

but this is too good to pass up...

yesterday i wrote down random snippets from this little girl

she didn't know i was listening or recording

this is her inner dialogue...

enjoy!

"i just want to see myself"

it's like a dream - a dream come true"

"i want to dress up my own self"

"a very perfect fit for me"

"oh look at how pretty I am"

"whoo..so creamy"

"i'm gonna rescue myself- i'm gonna save my own self"

i wonder what happens to our confidence as we grow older?

hmmm..

"it is something to be

able to paint a particular

picture, or to carve a

statue, and so make a few

objects beautiful; but

it is farm ore glorious

to carve and paint

the very atmosphere and

medium through which

we look. To affect the

quality of the day- that

is the highest of arts."

-Henry David Thoreau-

this girl and quote go together perfectly when i remember our Ontario experiences

she was my perfect side-kick

and i love her for that!

deadheading

my garden is heavy with blooms

and i spent some time

deadheading yesterday.

the finished blooms were snipped off

carefully leaving behind unopened blossoms

and the plants stood a little taller when i passed

by them with my scissors.

snip.snip.

i started to think about my life

which i often do when alone in my garden

and i reilized

that deadheading is a way of extending the life of a plant

and my life as well!

when i snip away at the blossoms that are finished blooming

i send a message to the plant that it isn't finished yet.

keep growing

keep blooming

keep being beautiful

don't set seed yet.

and for myself

keep growing

keep blooming

keep being beautiful

don't settle yet.

deadheading is a dilemna

if i leave the spent flower

it will turn into seeds which i can collect and plant next year.

if i snip it off,

the plant will continue to be  bright and beautiful

providing food and enjoyment.

as for me-

i deadhead.

i want to extend the life of my garden as long as possible

and i want to extend my life as long as possible too

which means

i need to do some deadheading

regularly.

perhaps it's as simple as

letting go of the past

taking care of myself

or perhaps it's more complicated

getting down to the root of what is going on for me in certain areas of my life

all i know for sure is

that when a plant has been deadheaded-

it stands taller

reblooms and lives alot longer

and that is waht i want for me.

love is a beautiful thing.

whether it is shiny and new

or slightly worn and comfortable

when a family can come together

and create a day of joy

for a very special couple.

our holiday was in many ways

epic.

images and thoughts to come

i am sure.

the power of a chicken

i am a firm believer in the power of being outside.

this is no secret.

but sometimes i doubt myself and wonder

if it really makes that much of a difference.

well,

combine outside with chickens

and a plaid jacket

and there is joy.

there is laughter.

there is connection.

you can see the stress roll off of her shoulders

and the years drop away.

there is something

that goes on with us when we head outdoors and really

experience it fully.

chickens help with that.

especially ones that let you hold them.

leaning over the railing of a boat

being pelted by Niagara Falls

help with that.

laughing so hard as the water streams down your face and your hair

and you can't do anything but accept the fierceness of the spray.

i still split into a wide grinned smile just thinking

about that little boat ride.

worth. every. penny.

and the chickens - no wonder she doesn't eat them

they seem to have bonded.