i am being challenged
to understand what is mine
and what is
in no way mine.
and it is
a very hard lesson to be learning
i am a slow learner...
a gentle learner
and neither of those have been offered to me.
i am desperate
to get it right
but i know that learning
doesn't always work that way.
we often get it "wrong"
many times over before we finally
surrender and trust and learn.
there is a fierce blending
of me and her
a blending of souls
and i assumed
that we would always stay blended.
but that is not the case.
individuals need to seperate
and that is where
the learning comes in.
what is mine?
what is hers?
what is left that might be ours?
heartwrenching it is watching the seperation
feeling the seperation is almost more painful that heartwrenching
and i didn't know there was a more painful than heartwrenching feeling out there.
(there is- i think it might be called heartstomping)
and being able to let go
let go of what is not mine to carry
but to also know what is mine to carry
is almost impossible right now.
so i sit
and i sit and i wait
and i watch
and i listen
and i blunder
and i cry and i cry
and i get angry
and i get angrier than the last angry moment
and then i start again
and i give away another piece of "us"
so that she can find "her"
and i can find "me"
and really i wish i didn't have to do any of it
i wish i could turn back the clock
i wish that life wasn't so full of lesssons
seem to only be learned through experience
but i know that i know that i know
that this is what i am meant to be learning right now.