understanding what is ours...

i am being challenged

to understand what is mine

and what is

in no way mine.

and it is

a very hard lesson to be learning

i am a slow learner...

a gentle learner

and neither of those have been offered to me.

 i am desperate

to get it right

but i know that learning

doesn't always work that way.

we often get it "wrong"

many times over before we finally

surrender and trust and learn.

there is a fierce blending

of me and her

a blending of souls

and i assumed

that we would always stay blended.

but that is not the case.

individuals need to seperate

and that is where

the learning comes in.

what is mine?

what is hers?

what is left that might be ours?

heartwrenching it is watching the seperation

but

feeling the seperation is almost more painful that heartwrenching

and i didn't know there was a more painful than heartwrenching feeling out there.

(there is- i think it might be called heartstomping)

and being able to let go

let go of what is not mine to carry

but to also know what is mine to carry

is almost impossible right now.

so i sit

and i sit and i wait

and i watch

and i listen

and i blunder

and i cry and i cry

and i get angry

 and i get angrier than the last angry moment

and then i start again

and i give away another piece of "us"

so that she can find "her"

and i can find "me"

and really i wish i didn't have to do any of it

i wish i could turn back the clock

i wish that life wasn't so full of lesssons

 that

seem to only be learned through experience

but i know that i know that i know

that this is what i am meant to be learning right now.