a gift

 

it was a simple gift really

a word.

she, my new dear friend, whom i barely know, but love deep in my heart because i can feel a connection,

sent me a message

"look up the finnish word sisu. it reminds me of you"

 

and i did

and at that moment i felt honoured that she would connect me with

 definition i read. but i didn't let it sink deeper. i wasn't able to absorb the truth of what she was trying to give me.

 

until this morning.

after a difficult night alone

(owen and hannah and the boys are in vancouver)

and a morning where i had to stagger down the stairs because i am so sick and weak

i was needing grounding. and stability and love.

 

trying to distract myself from the physical mess my body is in today

i began to read blogs, and my facebook wall and i decided to look again at what she had sent me.

 

"sisu is a finnish term loosely translated into english as stength of will, determination, perserverance, and acting rationally in the face of adversity....the literal meanig is equivalent in english to "having guts", and the word derives from sisus, which means something inner or interior. However sisu is defined by a long term element in it, it is not mometary couraged but the ability to sustain an action against the odds. deciding on a course of action ad then sticking to that decision against repeated failures is sisu..."

 

(repeated failures.

that is sometimes how i define myself if i allow myself to go down that dark path.

but she sees something different so perhaps i can to, carried by love)

 

um. yes please.

 let that be even a little bit of who i am.

 let me add that to the definition of who i am trying to become.

 

today those words, the gift that was sent to me so simply is a lifeline. an anchor.

the knowledge that someone believes those words about me is giving me the strengtht to go one more hour without caving to the intense craving for solid food i am having. the understanding that i am believed in, that people are aware of my struggle and my determination gives me more determination.

 

gifts that are so simple are often the most profound.

share love my friends.

it really does make a difference.

 

gratefulness often hides in the most amazing places

 

empty jars that get filled with plum syrup and jelly

plums that were picked by loving friends because they knew i was fretting about a tree of fruit going to waste.

 

 

 

sessions offered to my tired body. harps being played. muscles being maipulated. stories being confirmed.

gifts to this weary lady because others care and are willing to share their time and healing hands with me.

 

mail love from others who are on their own journeys of faith and healing.

love that comes in envelopes and emails and texts and facebook love

love from all of you, who despite your own journeys, have time to share in mine.

 

i am grateful this week for the quietness that i am beginning to embrace in myself

 

i am grateful for the flavour of chicke broth and how it feeds my brain and helps me stave off food cravings.

 

i am grateful that i am still able to help others, share with others and love others despite needing so much love myself.

 

what are you grateful for today?

 

 

today

 

i am missing my garden and trusting she is growing and waiting for my return

 

i am enjoying being 6 pounds lighter, but also wise to the folly of pounds lost due to sickness and strife.

 

i am consuming warm cups of chicken broth made by my dear son along with my water and i am feeling my brain clear away some of the fog that settled during the 5 day fast.

 

i am wrestling with the reality that my body didn't respond as hoped or expected these past days and i am having to continue with a liquid diet for longer...

 

i am enjoying helping my friend create a welcoming classroom because even though i am too weak to move stuff, this girl still lights up with the opportunity to create learning spaces.

 

i am watching our newest house member move his belonging upstairs to his room and i am delighted to see the whole family working together to help him get it done

 

i am tired and sore and weary but i am also so lifted up by the care that is being extended to me daily

 

i am anticipating tomorrow

 

noticing

74 hours in to my fast and i am working hard at being an observer.

6 hours in and my brain was screaming for food.

that passed

27 hours in and my stomach started cramping and growling.

it was finally truly hungry i guess.

that passed

day 2 passed by fairly easily

i kept my thoughts focused on the hunger sensations and our lack of every experiencing it truly in our culture.

i counted this experience as a blessing and a learning opportunity.

i thought of those that are hungry all the time

i thought about

why i want to get well and what opportunities i am missing by being sick

i am proud of how i handled yesterday.

and then last night,

around the 60 hour mark i noticed a shift.

my emotions became very close to the surface and i needed to continually remind myself that i needed to just observe the feeling and let it go.

fought back the tears by reminding myself that this is all temporary.

the tears stopped

today is hard.

today my mind is angry.

so angry and i am suprised by this.

you would think i would be too weak to be angry but not so.

again,

i am observing this, watching the wind blow in the trees outside my window and remembering

all this is temporary. the feelings and physical sensations come and then they leave

as long as i don't allow them to master me.

(let's be very honest though, i am very hungry. and thirsty all the time. this is not an easy path.)

breathing deep.

accepting help.

lots of rest .

water

hands to hold me steady when i walk

baths

affirmations and gratitude.

this is what i am practicing at 74 hours.

a new kind of gratitude

practicing gratitude for the gifts that have not yet arrived

starting today.

it is easy for me to walk through my day and see the good.

the gifts are always abundant and i am truly grateful.

but i have started losing the ability to see past today

to imagine my life different than it is now.

 this shrinking down of though  has been vital for me to learn to live in the now

but something is missing

i was losing hope of a bright future and hanging onto the hope of a bright day.

this is tricky because having hope for a bright day is vital to walking in gratitude, staying in the moment and taking baby steps.

all of which i must do in order to keep moving forward.

but it's limiting i think.

today i was reminded to

 "give thanks in advance for the help you stand in need of, as if you've already received it"

and i felt a shift. a new hopeful nugget seeped into my heart and i decided to try.

why not?

what can possibly go wrong with expressing gratitude for that which has not yet occured but i am choosing to believe will occur if i continue to seek wellness.

so starting today,

now 30 hours into a medically necessary fast that needs to stretch into 125 hours

I am giving thanks for the desires that are in my heart for my future.

each new pain is met with recognition and understanding

 (that's the staying in the now for me)

and then quickly a grateful thought about what my future holds.

that gratitude in advance is what is going to propell me forward.

please, if you will, hold me in your thoughts for these next 5 days.

i am needing to dig deeper than i have yet on this journey and welcome your love, support, prayers, practical helps, letters, wishes...

it takes a village sometimes and i think these next 100 or so hours are going to need one.

i will keep in touch i promise.

Learning from Elijah

"and behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the moutains and broke the rocks into pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind;

and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake;

 and after the earthquake a fire,

 but the Lord was not in the fire;

and after the fire a still small voice."

not even close to being an Elijah but these words rang true.

 very true.

just wanted to share.

silence

it is stretching out for what is feeling like forever.

this loss of voice.

 the rather new inability to share what is occuring in my heart and soul and body.

i am commited to not being in this space to keep others happy or in the loop.

i promised myself when i began blogging that this space was for me

and i would be honoured to have readers join me but that i had to keep it about me.

it is very easy for me, too easy actually, of falling into the deep rut of being a people pleaser, of finding all my value in others.

this is one of the deep heart works that is going on right now.

i am trying to stay out of that rut and it is a moment by moment journey.

so,

i am continuing with a silence

that even owen is trying to figure out how to gently coax me from

 i thought i could get over it by publicly declaring i would be a faithful blogger and i thought i would begin to articulate again soon if i just gave myself some time.

i felt the pull of an expectation to blog. to talk. to stay connected both here and in my day to day life but honestly,

right now,

i can't do it.

i need to be quiet so i can hear the whispers.

so i can dicipher what my life is trying to tell me.

what my body is saying. my soul. my heart.

and so i can come to this place when i am ready again.

it would appear i need more time.

my voice has dried up.

and i am trying to water it and fill in the dry cracks.

this is new terrain for me. feeling so alone, but by choice.

this venture into introvertedness is filled with curiosities and noticings that i am glad to not be missing out on.

sometimes

sometimes silence in this space is because there is remembering taking place

and the remembering is only for me.

sometimes the sharer in me sits silent and small and waiting.

there is wisdom in waiting sometimes.

in sitting with the remembering. the thinking. the affairs of the heart.

sometimes my world can become narrow in focus and be all about the colitis or the girl or the year off and sometimes

my world needs to be about none of that at all.

and the remembering, while not always easy, is a welcome distraction.

my world can become for a brief moment, at least,

a journey back to another place, another time, another tania

and that journey and the remembering that is there is only for me.

at least for now

and the writer is silent here in this space.

but i missed you.

 i missed the clicking of keys and sorting of thoughts.

so i wanted to visit. say hello to my lovelies.

you.

i feel like i have been in a deep conversation here with you for a while now,

and it is curious to notice my feelings of disloyalty when i am absent from this space.

it's hard to know sometimes how much to share. how open one can be.

i am searching for the  balance that is needed  with vulnerability and transparancy

and then i question who am i concerned about protecting?

myself or others...

and i then need to remember that this space is for me.

it's one part of my voice.

i choose the volume i want to speak.