last night was not a night for sleeping
and i wandered back in time
remembering what this day was like for me last year
so much sadness.
so much wondering.
so much to work through.
i am at peace
i am enjoying a day of doing absolutely nothing.
it feels wonderful.
and the circle feels complete.
a few weeks ago on my very first trip of the season
to the garden store
i stopped for a moment to gaze at the figures.
i ran my head over a Buddha headed sculpture,
noticed a few other pieces,
and felt a little twinge of well,
i don't have pieces in my garden,
i have chairs and wooden twig trellises and pots and teacups
but no figures.
they aren't really me...
or so i thought.
yesterday i visited with a dear friend and she mentioned
that for my birthday she wanted to take me to the garden store.
my thoughts turned to seeds and plant starts
until i heard her say,
almost as an aside i think
"we should get you something special, really special for your garden."
and the day went on.
last night as i was reading my blog post from last year,
i reread my sister-in-law's comment
and she said this..
"She's 59 this year, isn't she? You both seem far too young for such a history. Reading about birthing conditions like that reminds me of a tour we took at Britannia Mine last year - grisly stories of appallingly dangerous and miserable work and s-l-o-w improvements after decades of casualties. Men's work like that occasionally receives the dubious honor of a well-funded museum...where their suffering is presented as info-tainment...but women's work like birth is too intimate for such treatment. That's just as well, I think, but wouldn't it be good to at least see monuments put up? Like the ones we build (justly) for veterans of war. And then we could go lay flowers to the memory of the all women who suffered before us, who gave life to us all"
i reilized that i knew what i needed to do in order to honour my birth mama today.
i am going to put a figurine in my garden
it feels perfect.
i can see what i want it to look like
in my mind,
and my heart.
i hope i can find her.