full circle.

 

last night was not a night for sleeping

and i wandered back in time

remembering what this day was like for me last year

and i was reminded of this day and this one too.

 

so much sadness.

 so much wondering.

 so much to work through.

 

today,

i am at peace

i am enjoying a day of doing absolutely nothing.

it feels wonderful.

and the circle feels complete.

 

a few weeks ago on my very first trip of the season

to the garden store

i stopped for a moment to gaze at the figures.

i ran my head over a Buddha headed sculpture,

noticed a few other pieces,

and felt a little twinge of well,

noticing.

i don't have pieces in my garden,

i have chairs and wooden twig trellises and pots and teacups

but no figures.

they aren't really me...

 

or so i thought.

 

yesterday i visited with a dear friend and she mentioned

that for my birthday she wanted to take me to the garden store.

my thoughts turned to seeds and plant starts

until i heard her say,

almost as an aside i think

"we should get you something special, really special for your garden."

 

and the day went on.

last night as i was reading my blog post from last year,

i reread my sister-in-law's comment

and she said this..

 

"She's 59 this year, isn't she? You both seem far too young for such a history. Reading about birthing conditions like that reminds me of a tour we took at Britannia Mine last year - grisly stories of appallingly dangerous and miserable work and s-l-o-w improvements after decades of casualties. Men's work like that occasionally receives the dubious honor of a well-funded museum...where their suffering is presented as info-tainment...but women's work like birth is too intimate for such treatment. That's just as well, I think, but wouldn't it be good to at least see monuments put up? Like the ones we build (justly) for veterans of war. And then we could go lay flowers to the memory of the all women who suffered before us, who gave life to us all"

 

 

 i reilized that i knew what i needed to do in order to honour my birth mama today.

i am going to put a figurine in my garden

for her.

 

it feels perfect.

i can see what i want it to look like

in my mind,

and my heart.

i hope i can find her.