the lesson of my 44th year.

 

the night and i were company for one another again

and as the house struggled to settle,

so did i.

 

the medication i am back on

can be hard on this body of mine

and while yesterday was so peaceful in my heart

it was not so in my body

and i struggled in the wee hours

 to prepare myself for the day ahead.

 

 

i had plans for today

 they needed to be relinquished and laid to rest.

the fingers that were itching to start a new art journal

were and are unwilling to do anything more than wide, simple grasping

"it's a plastic cup day"

 i said to owen, knowing that i would be dropping

 more than i would be catching today. 

there would be big baggy sweaters that didn't require button work,

and shoes that slip on and off as to avoid pulling.

the body flares that have nothing to do with colitis,

but at the same time,

have everything to do with colitis

are in charge today.

 

 typing on my phone today

 results in entire conversations being underlined in red

that i need to go in and fix because my hands are swollen and uncooperative.

 

a small gathering of intimate friends has been put on hold

because this body isn't accepting much

 of any kind of food and i am not up to watching cake eating on my behalf for another year.

but there sprang up an impromptu family lunch of burgers for them and

kombuchu for me.

no pressure.

 just comfortable love.

the best kind.

instead of having a gathering,

i am tucking these bare feet under me

and settling in to watch Narnia

 and search for secret messages.

 

today was wonderful in its own way

because i have learned in the 44th year of my life

that letting go of what i have planned and allowning what needs to happen

is an entirely safe and acceptable thing to do.

 

 

because new experiences, encounters rise up

and my day becomes exactly as it need be.

 

 

my life has become a dance of releasing.

of letting go and letting be.

of trusting that tomorrow will take care of itself

and always, the gifts come.