the night and i were company for one another again
and as the house struggled to settle,
so did i.
the medication i am back on
can be hard on this body of mine
and while yesterday was so peaceful in my heart
it was not so in my body
and i struggled in the wee hours
to prepare myself for the day ahead.
i had plans for today
they needed to be relinquished and laid to rest.
the fingers that were itching to start a new art journal
were and are unwilling to do anything more than wide, simple grasping
"it's a plastic cup day"
i said to owen, knowing that i would be dropping
more than i would be catching today.
there would be big baggy sweaters that didn't require button work,
and shoes that slip on and off as to avoid pulling.
the body flares that have nothing to do with colitis,
but at the same time,
have everything to do with colitis
are in charge today.
typing on my phone today
results in entire conversations being underlined in red
that i need to go in and fix because my hands are swollen and uncooperative.
a small gathering of intimate friends has been put on hold
because this body isn't accepting much
of any kind of food and i am not up to watching cake eating on my behalf for another year.
but there sprang up an impromptu family lunch of burgers for them and
kombuchu for me.
just comfortable love.
the best kind.
instead of having a gathering,
i am tucking these bare feet under me
and settling in to watch Narnia
and search for secret messages.
today was wonderful in its own way
because i have learned in the 44th year of my life
that letting go of what i have planned and allowning what needs to happen
is an entirely safe and acceptable thing to do.
because new experiences, encounters rise up
and my day becomes exactly as it need be.
my life has become a dance of releasing.
of letting go and letting be.
of trusting that tomorrow will take care of itself
and always, the gifts come.