there aren't enough cups of tea...

there are not enough cups of tea today

to push through the sadness.

and that is okay.

it is okay to be sad

i have often told others.

it is healing and stretching to sit with our emotions

especially the ones that might frighten us or bring up feelings of vulnerability.

sit with them.

invite them in.

make them tea.

befriend these emotions that just want to be heard

before

they pass

like clouds in the sky, like the seasons of the year

hard emotions and their whispers and tourment.

they pass

but today

i am sad.

i am heavy and weary and so i turn to what i know works for me.

i journal, i create, i bake bread, i write notes of encouragement to others,

i brew pots and pots of tea, i keep the lights off, i wear slippers and i am quiet.

i am quiet as a way of not saying anything that will later bring regret

because sometimes sadness can get mixed up with anger or judgement or accusations

or fears spoken out loud.

i am quiet because i know that later or tomorrow or soon,

this sadness will fade and be replaced with another emotion and so the cycle goes.

don't be afraid of your sadness

i say

to the curly haired girl, or a small one, or to myself

don't be afraid.

throwing out wishes...

do you have a wish?

a

desire - will - want - request - longing - aspiration

as the google dictionary puts it?

sometimes i get to wishing.

i make doodles or lists of my wishes.

today feels like a wish list sorta day.

want to know a secret?

i'm still in my pj's.

these past few days have wiped us out.

emotionally and then of course,

physically.

so, yes, at 1 pm in the afternoon.

i look like i just got out of bed.

but that's not the point of this blog post.

this is about wishing.

sometimes i wish for simple things

like fresh flowers in every room

a bit of extra money at the end of the month to tuck away for a holiday fund.

perhaps a choice of bubble baths to choose from.

other wish lists seems more serious.

important perhaps.

a chunk of land to donate as a community garden so that families could garden together and have fresh produce

(this is a reccuring wish of mine)

that city budgets considered the needs of the children in their communities

world peace

health and accessible clean water for everyone.

those sorts of wishes.

 most days,

i wish for this

that we would be able to see ourselves as others see us.

that we would be able to love ourselves as others love us.

that we would embrace our potential and become just that wonderful.

imagine!

 imagine what would come of us believing in ourselves

that much!

and all that believing would spill over onto each other and before we knew it

there would be fresh flowers in every room

and community gardens would spring up

and children and adults would play and work together

and all the wishes we wished could come true.

that is what i am wishing today

not world peace,

just our own inner peace.

a web of love...

we build it carefully and slowly,

taking moments and days and sometimes years

we build it through time and action

words and deeds.

we build it with patience and determination

we string together trust and connnections

vulnerably at times and joyfully at others.

connections become stronger and more closely intertwined with each

and every interaction,

twisting close together, making the web strong and sturdy

with small spaces between the love.

it's hard to slip through small spaces.

this web of love is bouncy and wide and held sturdily between the people it encompasses.

instead of catching  bugs like a spider does

this web catches caring and love and encouragement

and hope and second chances and joyful moments.

it catches tears and heartache and feels the sobs in the night.

these strings glisten with the teardrops and  catch the joyful light that a new morning

casts.

 then all these wonders of love are bounced and spilled over

whenever they are needed.

always refilling with more for the next time.

sometimes the web of love sits quietly,

gathering dust if it isn't carefully tended with care.

daily tending makes for a strong web i am noticing.

there are days, months and sometimes years that can go by

but the moment there is love needed

all the wonderful qualities that are stored amongst the strands

 spill off and into and onto and all around

 the person who is needing help

or a friend or just someone who believes in them.

we have been building a web with great determination these past few years.

our web has seen so many different contributors and the additions are so wonderful and good.

love is so wonderful and good.

i am in love with the belief that love can save lives.

love is always the answer.

at least that's what my heart says to me.

we are still busy here

in our little home

helping with the

saving of a shiny, bright life.

she is doing her own hard, true work and we stand holding the web,

spilling the love goodness  all over her

the journey isn't over.

please believe with us that our web is a catcher of souls

and a sharer of love.

our web is so strong,

thanks to our community of lovers,

that not one will slip though the holes.

a love list.

warm hugs when feeling cold

affectionate glances from across the room

little notes found unexpectedly

back rubs

being brought warm tea

vanilla scented candles

warm hands slipping into yours when out for a walk

(especially teeny, tiny hands of small ones)

deep sighs over tea dates because you both get how "it" feels

unexpected splashed of red when you least expect them

confetti

(i love confetti)

love making that looks like dishes and vacuuming and grocery shopping

candy hearts with secret messages

turning a "holiday" into a daily practice

special love packages to be delivered

photographs that capture true connection

heart doodles

i love you texts from the curly haired girl

heart shaped pancakes with maple syrup

love cookies

teenage boys awkwardly searching for a way to belong

love letters to ourselves

the little acts of kindness that go on everyday right in front of us

lollipop moments

i sure do love love

just dropping in...

often as  i wander through my morning

i begin to formulate in my mind what i am feeling

i might be blogging about that day.

most days this comes as naturally as my hair is curly

but some days,

days like today

there isn't much.

i feel quiet.

but blogging is a daily practice for me

just as my morning reading, gratitude journal

and tea drinking are.

so i come to this space

to type.

and to say hello to my thoughts

and to you.

it is an intentional recording of my story.

so that i remember.

i need to remember

because when i forget

i become more judgemental of myself and of others

and i am working very hard to love both myself

and others

just right where they are

just right how they are

just because they and i are worthy of love.

all the time.

somehow, for me,

remembering my story and my daily journey

helps me to be more loving and generous

and creative and genuine.

so today,

nothing much to say

just hello.

take care of yourself today

i did.

(and for all of you who lost me for the past few weeks,

i am glad we found each other again)

it's all in the choosing.

i hear the requests alot during my day

especially now that i am home

and they are home.

"mom, can you make me a sandwich?"

"you are picking me up from school, right?"

"do you have time to go for a drive today?"

"call me when you are leaving so i can catch a ride"

"what's for dinner tonight?"

"will you sit with me while i do my homework?"

and there are lots more.

requests of me. of my time. of togetherness.

sometimes it can sound quite demanding here at our house

and it would be, and sometimes it is,

too easy to consider them all demands of my time.

selfish, i just don't want to do it myself requests.

(and indeed, sometimes, they are)

those who know me well,

are aware that i prescribe to a

"don't do for them what they can do for themselves"

kinda parenting/educating/caregiving

philosophy.

but you know,

sometimes philosphies and best practices can be replaced.

by new ones. new ways of doing and being and thinking

because life changes. rapidy. and we need to do the same sometimes.

i choose to hear something other than demands when i am requested.

(somedays..this is not a perfect science..this parenthood thing)

i am hearing relationship building.

i am hearing trust rebuilding.

i am hearing,

choosing to hear

"i want to spend time with you. you make the best sandwiches. i like talking to you in the car. you make me feel smarter when i know you are close to me. i feel safe in your presence."

our journey with the curly haired girl earlier this year

blew away alot of what i thought i knew. alot of what i believed to be

"the way" to raise the children.

she is a constant teacher.

as are all of them. but she in particular.

i hear her rebuilding her trust of me

 just as much as i am rebuilding my trust of her

when she asks

"you are picking me up from school right?"

she has had times in her life when she felt i loved others more than her.

that is changing. she is learning to trust me again.

knowing that makes it easy to pick her up and make that a priority of my day.

choosing to hear the requests in my day

with a positive ear,

assuming the best

even when that may not be their intention

 allows me to love freely.

give more of myself and not feel resentful.

this is the choosing that creates life. growth. love and connection.

it works for me.

and it seems to be working for them.

this week there have been so many instances

where they blessed others with their presence, their service, their contributions.

i have been blessed through their actions.

braver.

-baby Ewan's toes-

seriously.

the bravery that is bubbling out of me is

fun to witness.

it's as if i am watching an infant discover her toes.

first

 just noticing,

then grasping and missing,

grasping and missing.

sometimes all that grasping

needs to be followed by rest.

(it's hard work trying to catch those toes!)

perhaps i've been in the grasping and missing stage long enough.

finally, the baby,

the sweet baby is able to touch and hold those toes

and there is delight and drooling and chattering-

all the adults peer down and  smile and congratulate-

the baby has found a way to delight herself,

all by herself.

yay baby!

so here i am,

in yoga,

folding my body deeper than i thought possible

touching my toes and feeling delight.

calm delight.

here i am signing up and going

all.by.myself.

to a workshop-

just for fun,

no other reason. not to learn anything important or new.

i feel that i have spent alot of time grasping and reaching.

over and over and now,

i have made contact.

with myself.

for myself.

the timing is perfect.

it always is, isn't it?

oh, january,

you were good to me through all the pain.

this is possibly one of the greatest gifts i could recieve

right now.

the gift of bravely connecting with me.

(i think i like her too- not sure yet...i'll keep you posted.)