Believe you are worth it!

Dear Suzy,

two weeks ago, give or take a day, we decided to start this blog as a way of encouraging, reminding, sharing, challenging each other to stay "on track" with our goals. i love the new year. the fresh start. i love the thought of lists and challenges and daily routines that make for a more positive, productive, meaningful, joy filled life. i really do! so, for these past two weeks there have been very few moments where i haven't had the thought of you and your goals and me and my goals on my mind. i have had ample time for reflection, thinking, praying, reading, watching others and i am thrilled with my progress:)
it feels good to say that. my biggest personal goal this year, besides regaining my health, is to live a balanced life. along with that balance, i am seeking a positive attitude, kindred friendships, self love and some good old authentic living thrown in for good measure. these past two weeks i have made some small but measurable steps in the right direction. i have had hard conversations where i have said "no", balanced with a wonderful ongoing conversations that i am able to say "yes" to. saying no is progress for me. i have created art for myself, just because it feels good. i have taken steps to rest and recover. i have surrounded myself with positive words and images. i have sought balance for just a few days, and found it. this is good.
so i am wondering what prevents me from doing this all the time. what is it that stops me from believing i am valuable enough to seek the best for my life? that is my question for myself and perhaps for you? what is it that allows us to dream and list and wish for and pray for but not follow through with those very dreams and goals? i am aware that two weeks of "progress" will not erase the patterns that have taken forty some years to create...so i wonder, how long will it take for me to believe that i am worth it...(hee hee, i just reilized that is a hair dye commercial..so much for profound words)

here is my art..

i would love to know your progress report if you feel like sharing...i love that our goals and dreams are organic and can change and bend and develop as our days progress...have a wonderful weekend...and i was thrilled to hear that your day with hannah was wonderful. i love wonderful hannah filled days:)

Jan 13 2011                                   Blog #5 Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania

 The Journey is the gift!  That is what I read on a piece of artwork today. It looked like something that you might have made. I would have bought it except for the price tag… lol… so that got me thinking...we did not do enough art work together! When you come out here please bring your ideas and let’s do some art ok. I love the way you put text into your work.

today was a great day! Hannah and I spent frivilous hours of laughter and love together. Wonderful time spent creating memories. Left me wanting more J

My confession is that I want more laughter and love. It revives the heart and refreshes the soul. Dreams… more days like today. Speaking of which… I hope that your day was better. Oh yeah… I was in a university today… made me realize how much I miss being a student. I am definitely going to try and get into a night school class if I can. What rich fertile soil to spend time in.

 

He who opens a school door,       

closes a prison. Victor Hugo

inspiration for you

dear suzy,
i have words, but my body won't let them out today.
 so instead i send you inspiration...enjoy...the words will come later i am sure...

these images come from two blogs i follow...http://hulaseventy.blogspot.com/ and http://kellyraeroberts.blogspot.com/
i appreciated your post yesterday and have a page full of responses and thoughts and questions and ideas i want to share with you. today i send you peace and a mustard seed....i love you...

Jan 11 2011                                    Blog #11 Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania

Well I missed a blog... Sorry… I definitely hit a rough spot and I’ve been trying to get back to my regular positive attitude. I just could not bring myself to Blog my despair.  No matter which way I tried to start it was all coming up doom and gloom… J

So, the heaviness is still trying to hang on to my boot strap but I think that I’ve almost shook it off. Rick keeps telling me I need a job…lol.. Isn’t that what wives tell their husbands when they retire and hang around the house too much… “Get a job and get the heck out of this house!”  Funny eh.  And yet a stat a Dr. told me once is that most men die within 6 months of retiring unless they have a serious hobby… the brain realizes that not much is going on and informs the body it’s time to shut off. Interesting eh! I remember reading in the bible ‘without a vision the people perish’… That is me for sure! If I don’t have a clear vision/goal of what I’m working towards I am LOST! I think that setting out goals for myself this year has been difficult because it has split me down my core. The pursuit of a career change –>motive = $ versus teaching –> motive = ministry! Hence a deep split within. Money sure seems reasonable to me because of my student loans. In any case, pursuing the other is not available  if I want Ei to help. They said no to me. I would have to pay for the training out of pocket. $2500. Not going to happen. I could push this door open but it would cause a lot of stress. So I’m handing this over to God and I’m going to work on what I can.

Weight…. And a teaching job…

                  I made my way to a few schools and I’m going back to volunteer at one this Friday. I’m excited about that. It’s an elementary school… really nice. Great atmosphere and nice staff.  I think you have been talking to me about trust. You didn’t use that word but when I read it, it’s about trusting that God knows what He is doing in our life. Allowing him to orchestrate the chaos. Another verse: Jesus learned from the things he suffered. What did he have to learn that I most certainly will have to learn?                 

          So here we are Tania. Life is realer than we like, forced conflict to grow peace and trust. I just need to get with program and see the bigger picture… or as you have been pointing out, perhaps the smaller picture. It’s great having a friend who thinks different and is not afraid to challenge thoughts and thinking. Thank you for that gift. I pray that today you sense the love of your father and your friend. I pray that mercy greets you today and gives you a sunflower! So here it is… Confession #11: Still Growing. Dream (definition)  [something that somebody hopes, longs, or is ambitious for, usually something difficult to attain or far removed from present circumstances] Dream # 11: Accept my limitations. Laugh more!   Suzy

speeding up or slowing down?

dear suzy,

i have noticed there is a choice i have to make each day.

do i continue to let my life speed up or do i deliberatly make choice that will allow it to slow down?

my personality would probably prefer a full speed ahead life..there appears on the surface to be more value at the end of my day, when i can list off accomplishments, crossed off to do lists and when asked "how was your day?" have very important things to say to the asker.

however, what have i missed with this life full of busyness? what have i not caught whispered to me?what moment have i neglected to be a part of because i was to busy to even recognize the significance? who have i missed an encounter with? have i even stopped to say hello to myself?

this week it took 3 days of gut wrenching, crawling on the floor in agony days to stop the business and say hello to myself. By the time i did, i was too sick to do anything but stop. sad to consider really.sad to think that i am one of "those women who love too much" to even respect what my body has been trying to tell me for the past 8 months.

i have decided it is time to slow down. to catch myself from the frantic pace of measuring up to the invisible standards that i have put in place for myself. i have decided that in order to live a life well lived, full of meaning and purpose i need to slow down.

i will let you know what that looks like..for today it looks like this- prioritizing my week on paper, not so that i can cram enough into each day, but so i can do what truly needs to be done and leave the rest alone for now. slowing down looks like this- carving out time for myself. for reflection.for rest.for art.for love.for tea.for prayer.for friends.for baths.for doodling.for inspiration gathering.for reading the bible.for talking. for sleeping.

there is time for all of those things when i give them the space and value they deserve.

i am going to remember that it is enough to love deeply, to walk slowly,to finish one thing and put it aside with satisfaction, then move onto the next, stopping in between to breathe, give thanks and notice the amazing blessings that surround me. noticing them, perhaps for the first time in a while, because i am slowing down.

i love you,

tania

Jan 7 2011                                    Blog #7 Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania

I’m a blank canvas Tania. It’s not that I don’t have thoughts… it’s that I have too many. Trying to decipher through them and which to follow leaves me feeling overwhelmed. Of course with each thought is a feeling that is connected. I feel scattered trying to forge ahead in a new direction… being pulled back into old familiar ways. Trying to balance everything with the word… it’s not that there are no meanings it’s that everything has meaning… I confess that I don’t like where I’m at. I feel most comfortable when I have a clear goal in front of me and I’m working with blinders on… straight for it…. ! This … this is a smorgesboard of green lights flashing… walk this way…. I’m sorry… I need to decompress….I need to find my center again…. I need to hear from God…This is the way...walk in it! Funny I remember as a kid when my room would get messy I would feel overwhelmed and not know where to clean first. My mom would come in and say…okay Suzanne I want you to pick up all of your clothes first. Hang up what is clean, then put the dirty stuff in the laundry basket…etc Somehow she had the ability to see through all the mess and with confidence be able to tell me exactly what to do.

OK… going to go.. It’s beautiful outside. The snow is falling again. I trust you shall have a great day!

my thoughts on balance

January 6
Good morning Suzy...
yesterday i spent the day doodling about the word balance. Balance is the word that I have chosen for 2011. Each year i pick a word, or some might say a word picks me and then i try, like you to embrace, learn, grow and truly make that work "mine". to be honest, i don't even remember what my word for 2010 was, which is a pretty good indication that i didn't absorb it as i needed to. by the look of my life right, i also can be pretty sure that my word last year wasn't balance. It must have been chaos or sickness or debt or something.

so here is my list of words that developed from my doodle...myself, creativity, marriage, keeping house, work, God, learning, nature, health, mothering(hanging on and letting go),friendships, quiet times and giving back/being generous.

i have alot to balance and am approaching it very carefully and slowly. One step at a time. Make a tangible goal for today and follow through. "Part of courage is simple consistence" and that is what i am learning...to be courageous, which i want to be, i need to be consistent with the small, mundane, daily aspects of my life so that I will have the courage to be fierce and true and honest and ready for the grand aspects of my life.

i read your post and thought "there's the suzy i know!" You are a big thinker! You can embrace large ideas and projects with zeal and enthusiasm and passion. That is the Suzy people  often see first. I want to encourage you today to embrace the small, mundane and daily aspects of your life with me today...let's both pick one tangible, fix right now goal and be brave by posting it and then holding each other accountable..All the while readying ourselves for the grand aspects of our lives that are coming!
so i will go first. i am in the middle of a very nasty flare up..two days ago i was optimistic that i was "better". the medication was working, i could eat what i wanted, i was going to start exercising again and enjoy an occasional martini...life was grand. it was time to shed the coat of chronic illness and get back in the game of living...here i am two days later, unable to stand up straight, down in my weight again and as sick as i was a few months ago....so my goal today, just today, is to love myself. today. say kind words to myself. let myself know that i am more than my illness. let others help me. rest in the arms of the Father, who I know, even when i don't feel it, loves me. that is my goal just for today. love myself.  let others love me. nothing more. and believe me, it will be tough to be successful in this one.
i am eager to hear what your daily goal will be today. i love ya!