Jan 11 2011                                    Blog #11 Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania

Well I missed a blog... Sorry… I definitely hit a rough spot and I’ve been trying to get back to my regular positive attitude. I just could not bring myself to Blog my despair.  No matter which way I tried to start it was all coming up doom and gloom… J

So, the heaviness is still trying to hang on to my boot strap but I think that I’ve almost shook it off. Rick keeps telling me I need a job…lol.. Isn’t that what wives tell their husbands when they retire and hang around the house too much… “Get a job and get the heck out of this house!”  Funny eh.  And yet a stat a Dr. told me once is that most men die within 6 months of retiring unless they have a serious hobby… the brain realizes that not much is going on and informs the body it’s time to shut off. Interesting eh! I remember reading in the bible ‘without a vision the people perish’… That is me for sure! If I don’t have a clear vision/goal of what I’m working towards I am LOST! I think that setting out goals for myself this year has been difficult because it has split me down my core. The pursuit of a career change –>motive = $ versus teaching –> motive = ministry! Hence a deep split within. Money sure seems reasonable to me because of my student loans. In any case, pursuing the other is not available  if I want Ei to help. They said no to me. I would have to pay for the training out of pocket. $2500. Not going to happen. I could push this door open but it would cause a lot of stress. So I’m handing this over to God and I’m going to work on what I can.

Weight…. And a teaching job…

                  I made my way to a few schools and I’m going back to volunteer at one this Friday. I’m excited about that. It’s an elementary school… really nice. Great atmosphere and nice staff.  I think you have been talking to me about trust. You didn’t use that word but when I read it, it’s about trusting that God knows what He is doing in our life. Allowing him to orchestrate the chaos. Another verse: Jesus learned from the things he suffered. What did he have to learn that I most certainly will have to learn?                 

          So here we are Tania. Life is realer than we like, forced conflict to grow peace and trust. I just need to get with program and see the bigger picture… or as you have been pointing out, perhaps the smaller picture. It’s great having a friend who thinks different and is not afraid to challenge thoughts and thinking. Thank you for that gift. I pray that today you sense the love of your father and your friend. I pray that mercy greets you today and gives you a sunflower! So here it is… Confession #11: Still Growing. Dream (definition)  [something that somebody hopes, longs, or is ambitious for, usually something difficult to attain or far removed from present circumstances] Dream # 11: Accept my limitations. Laugh more!   Suzy