stories from my year

 

this post is gonna be long

and link heavy

i can feel it

 

january

found us surrounded by

extreme cuteness

and

deep disapointment

 

february found me

curious

 about an odd assortment of things

(some of which i still am)

 

in march

i remembered

that the shoe doesn't always drop

and i was

oh so missing the small ones

and walked our trail in their honour.

 

april

found me

 paper thin

and

reflecting on what i learned in my

 43rd year

 

oh may,

you were

hard on me.

 

and so was

June

but i also made some progress

yay me!

 

july

 my illness consumed

 way to much of my days and nights

and there were

 strong emotions

 and reactions.

there also continues to be

a love-hate relationship

with cooking

 

august

found me struggling with silence

and doing alot of

noticing.

(that experience feels so very long ago)

 

september

(my second favorite month)

there were fresh beginning

and

posts about remembering.

 

october

i decided to send love to my illness

 

in november

i continued to practice gratitude

even when i don't always want to.

 

in sweet

december

i found the

 words to call my own.

and said

 thank you

 to a love sharer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

saying goodbye...part 2

 

 

as i have just a few days left

to say goodbye to 2012

i am stealing away moments

to do my closing work.

 

(they are all playing games at the table just aroud the corner from me,

having the greatest time it sounds like!)

 

i call it work

 taking a wide, both eyes open look

at what has passed is,

for me

a genuine form of work

 

soul work

 

yesterday

it was time to forgive myself for the

misses of this year.

the places in my life that didn't measure up to what i had truly wanted to happen.

 

it is easy for me to feel guilty,

(too easy)

overly responsible

 and

 i am sensitive

to disapointing others and myself.

this guilt vein  runs deep

 and i am working to free myself from the limits it places on me.

 

an

"i forgive myself"

 journaling prompt

started the process

and in a fairly vulnerable act of openess

i decided

to share part of the list here

because i know

 i am not the only one

who carries burdens

 that need to be laid down.

 

some lay them at the cross,

some have ceremonies,

and some speak aloud their regrets

me,

i write them out.

 

i thought to mysef before i began the list

that i would have just a few

but they just keep on coming and the page grew longer and longer.

i was suprised and had to trust the process

and not censor myself.

when i was finished

there was a lightness  i could feel and there is room freed up

for the new beginnings that i so desire and seek.

 

here we go...

( i left a few out)

 

i forgive myself for eating gluten, i forgive myself for missed appointments,i forgive mysef for not going to the garden enough, i forgive myself for not always fully trusting H, i forgive myself for using so much hot water with all my baths, i forgive myself for wandering into my way far back past and wishing for a simpler time, i forgive myself for going to Starbucks so often this past fall, i forgive myself for not trusting Owen's love for me enough, i forgive myself for holding back, i forgive myself for the letters that didn't get send and know there is still time, i forgive myself for stopping my gratitude list, i forgive mysef for not visiting little C this year, i forgive myself for the yet to be edited photos on my quickly dying computer, i forgive myself for letting some friendships go, i forgive myself for having to cancel on people at the last minute when i am unexpectedly flaring, i forgive myself for the sharp words i have spoken, especially to myself, i forgive myself for being so tired all the time, i forgive myself for being in the hospital and away from my family, i forgive myself for not taking flowers to my elderly hospital room mate even though i so wanted to, i forgive myself for being sick for so long (this one was particularly hard to write down), i forgive mysef for not always finishing what i start, i forgive myself for not wanting to be an artist, i forgive myself for not exercising.

 i forgive myself.

 

 

so much love to you!

 

 

 

 

saying goodbye...part 1

 

i adore new beginnings and the hope they hold

but i also

savour the sweet memories of yesterdays.

 

this year

this 2012 year

was to be the year of wellness.

the year to rest and repair and learn what it meant to care for myself.

 

this year was to be the year

where our family repaired and returned to itself

and our children,

all of them,

would find lives that were filled with love and safety.

 

this year

this 2012 year

was to be the year of abundant gardens,

daily art journaling,

chicken rearing,

canning and baking.

 

this year was to be the year of gratitude

and generosity and letter writing and love sharing.

 

this year has been a year like no other

and for that i am most grateful.

i want to be continually growing and changing and stretching

and i have been.

 

this has been a very good year.

 

all of what it was to be

of course

it hasn't been.

 

i am still to unwell to return to work

to return to much of anything really.

and i struggle and chaff and hit up against this reality daily,

so much so that my body feels bruised and worn

as if I have been in the fight of my life.

 

i need to surrender more to this place i reside in.

 

this year was a re connecting journey

with my curly haired girl.

it was a rocky start

and there were months of anguished pleads and prayers

but oh my how i love her so.

how i delight in spending my days with her.

how privilidged i feel that now

she chooses family.

she delightes in our company as much as we do in hers.

a gift.

truly a gift.

 

the garden didn't grow as it could have

and there was disappointment

and discouragement

but

the chickens thrived and

are a humourous and delightful part of our lives.

letters were written

and are written

and that is a whole post

itself..

the life changing practice of letter writing.

 

i am slowly saying goodbye to 2012

this week.

noticing what I am able to let go of easily

and the parts that are clinging to me

get a gentle second look.

 

this has been a good year.

a harder than hard year

but the abundance of my life

blankets the pain,

the sadness,

the struggle,

 the disapointments,

and i am left

warm and secure

in what has been.

 

 

 

thank you

 

i just had a little cookie exchange happen

at my door

and it turned into

a love exchange as well.

 

"can i just say," she said,

"that you are looking great"

 

how awesome is that to hear

after battling illness and darkness and so much struggle this past year.

i look great!

 

and trust me,

i looked just like i always do.

hoodie, baggy jeans, pulled up hair,

chapped lips and probably mismatched socks.

 

 i don't know for sure what she saw,

and it doesn't even matter

i was able to respond

with a thank you,

and an out loud reilization

that i am feeling better.

 

everytime i say that outloud,

i get sicker for a bit

and so it would make sense to stop declaring it

but i refuse to.

every day that passes without pain

reminds me that i am getting well.

not on my time, but better than yesterday

and certainly better than last week

 

and so

my  cookie exhanging friend,

thank you for taking the time

 to mention that i looked,

well,

using your words,

 great.

 

thank you for uplifting me, 

making  my day

by noticing something

so simple

something that many of us take for granted sometimes.

 

it was a very personal reminder

 to share what we see in others-

the good,

the lovely,

 the little sparkles,

the cute shoes,

the kindness we witness them showing,

the face splitting smiles.

whatever it might be.

 

we need to share love.

it can change your whole day!

my manifesto

 

express gratitude

love BIG

be kinder than necessary

write letters

choose a guiding word

hold babies as often as possible

 

get messy

listen to my heart whispers

the little moments matter

carry benadryl

light candles

surround myself with comfort

 

go barefoot

trust the process

grow a garden

bake often

share what i have

tell my story

say no as often as i say yes

accept my broken bits

never stop hoping

 

 

today.

 

i just drove to the mailbox

because i have a letter that i want to be

in someone's hands before the end of this week

and

i also bought some almond extract

because i am making macaroons for owen

and i was listening to

mumford and sons

as i almost always am when i am driving

and my thoughts slowly and carefully

returned to last weeks tragedy

and i

found myself in tears

again

and i need to tell you why.

 

i have cried many tears for the families

and the loss and the horror and i have

spent hours pleading and asking for so much mercy

 to pour out upon that town

and those broken hearts

 

but that is not what the tears today are about.

 

four of my best friends,

my dearest heart sharing kindred spirits

are teachers.

and each time i allow myself to grieve for the teachers

of last week, i grieve for the teacher friends  i love

the friends that i hold in my heart. 

 

these women,

and all my other teacher friends as well,

men and women both,

beyond a shadow of a doubt

would have given their lives for their students.

they would have been whispering love and hope

and doing whatever they needed to do

to protect their little ones

and big ones

and that

breaks my heart into a million pieces

because i love them so much.

 

i am grateful for them.

their love. their devotion. their dedication.

i am sad that it takes a tragedy to remind me of this.

 

 

 

 

 

believe.

-source unknown-

 

 

it looks like Christmas..

 

but it doesn't quite feel like Christmas.

 

Does that make sense to anyone else but me?

there is a whole lot of hurt going on

in this world

and it has become a bit of a constant uphill climb

for me

to not just roll down to the bottom of the hill

and become overwhelmed.

 

this has happened to me before

i am aware of others at the best of times

but  it also has to do alot

 with my own personal wellness levels.

if i am hurting

i am super tuned to all those hurting around me

anywhere.

in the whole world.

not just my immediate family

or neighbourhood or community.

it stretches far and wide

and you know,

as i do,

that the more we notice the sadness of humanity

the more we will find.

and so,

i drag myself part way up the hill

and do what i can here.

in my home,

in my neighbourhood,

in my community.

i send emails to orphanages in Thailand

hoping to make a difference even there

when we go

and i trust that others are doing the same

because i know i am not the only one

who feels compelled to change the world.

 

this is why it doesn't feel alot like christmas

because i am scurring around

 trying to dam up all the holes

 in the people i see

and

there are yet to be presents under the tree

and the house smells more like boy than gingerbread.

 

so i stop and take a deep breathe

 and remember

to keep it simple here

and to make memories here

 and to celebrate

that we are here

 together as a family.

 

 

 

i don't stop caring

and helping others

i just bring it into balance again

and i trust.

 

 

 next week we will holiday bake

and holiday shop

and wrap and make merry.

and i will trust that i have done all i can do

to make the world brighter

and i will soak up

the family love that fills our house.

 

(i am so grateful for my family, so grateful, like bubble over grateful you know?)

 

lunch

 

i

had a steak today for lunch.

a steak  and a salad.

and mushrooms and onions too!

that is all.

wanted to share.

Gratitude list as of 6:09 pm on this Tuesday of a day

     The security Owen's job provides for us

Safety for all my kiddoes

Warm blankets, comfy beds and pillows 

Blue sky moments

A rainbow that filled the sky

My journal

Anticipating Thailand

Mumford amd Soms Babel album track #6,7 and 11

Good deeds done

Hannah's replacement birth certificate arrived today

The colour yellow and gray

Mustsrd

Icecubes

The willpower to keep taking the medicine this week

Anticipating mail

Pinterest eye cNdy

Hot baths

Gratitude lists that ground me again

Therapy

sitting on the carpet

 

today

in therapy

i sat cross legged on the floor

with a sand tub in front of me

(slightly skeptical at first, to be honest)

 

and i marveled at how i had gotten here

how i continue to seek out full healing of my body, mind and soul

and how similar my therapist

was interacting with me

as i interacted with the young ones

i so delighted in caring for.

i felt as though she knew

 that being childlike

 was the way to win my heart.

 

 

now i know that statement puts me in a vulnerable place.

do i need to be treated like a toddler?

why am i playing with sand bins

and crayons?

is there an immaturity in me that only responds to child like approaches?

 

not at all my friends,

not at all.

she allows me the space and silence to do exactly

what i need to do

at that moment

to work through my story.

she doesn't tell me how to use the supplies

she trusts that i know what i need and i will engage in the process

as i am able and willing.

 

so like how i would let the little ones

interact with the art supplies, the sensory bins, the rhythms of our day.

 

it is the same.

young and old.

we are able to access what we need

when we are in a place of safety and trust.

the stories pour out of me like water over a waterfall

and i hear myself starting and stopping

and wrestling until i am speaking what my heart is saying,

not my head.

 

therapy is new for me.

i am three weeks in.

it is a luxury that i cannot afford to not have.

i am seeing an art therapist

rather than a talk therapist

yet i find myself talking

speaking through the drawings, the sand tray work

(that was a first for me today! it is quite profound!)

i find myself anticipating an hour to myself

with out any outside pressures or obligations.

my family appreciates that i am doing this for me

and they inquire of my time when i return home

(it has opened communication with the curly haired girl and i even more)

 

i sit on the floor often when i am there,

this wasn't the first session spent on the carpet rather than the chairs

and she joins me,

just as i did the small ones.

always meeting them in their space,

honouring their comfort and rituals.

it is affirming for me

that my instinctual way of interacting

is life affirming and that

i am now having that honour and respect

 returned to me.

Today

 

Today i am learning 

how to blog from

 my phone

so that when we go to

Thailand

I can 

be here in this space. 

Phone blogging isn't that tricky

I imagine, 

except I can't seem to post photos

from my phone here

and that makes me unhappy. 

I am determined to figure it out

Today i am enjoying

the lingering smell of play dough

trom when Owen's nieces and nephews 

Were here and the table

BecAme a work space

For play dough angels and cookies. 

Today I am remembering what it feels

like to keep on hoping and believing

when none of the medicine works

and every sip or bite results in 

pain
and despair for those near to me. 

Today I am remembering

the place our family was in last year

the miles seperating the curly haired girl and us

and how utterly impossible that all felt. 

today she is out for sushi with owen

and there is so much laughter and love 

in our home again.

Today I am remembering
that I am enough.
That I need to be intentional in my cheerfulness
sometimes.
(and that is okay, being intentional about attributes we want to attract)
The hours spent on the couch
mean something.
The time invested into wellness is time well spent
even if it feels futile.

Today I am remembering
that I like this space
and coming here is important to me.
It matters not if what I have to share
is important or life changing
It matters because it makes me happy
and that is enough.
 

ushering in December

 

the whisper of my heart this season

is to breathe deep each and every day,

to remember

that my giving is still valuable

even when it feels broken,

to love myself

as much

as i love them.