saying goodbye...part 2

 

 

as i have just a few days left

to say goodbye to 2012

i am stealing away moments

to do my closing work.

 

(they are all playing games at the table just aroud the corner from me,

having the greatest time it sounds like!)

 

i call it work

 taking a wide, both eyes open look

at what has passed is,

for me

a genuine form of work

 

soul work

 

yesterday

it was time to forgive myself for the

misses of this year.

the places in my life that didn't measure up to what i had truly wanted to happen.

 

it is easy for me to feel guilty,

(too easy)

overly responsible

 and

 i am sensitive

to disapointing others and myself.

this guilt vein  runs deep

 and i am working to free myself from the limits it places on me.

 

an

"i forgive myself"

 journaling prompt

started the process

and in a fairly vulnerable act of openess

i decided

to share part of the list here

because i know

 i am not the only one

who carries burdens

 that need to be laid down.

 

some lay them at the cross,

some have ceremonies,

and some speak aloud their regrets

me,

i write them out.

 

i thought to mysef before i began the list

that i would have just a few

but they just keep on coming and the page grew longer and longer.

i was suprised and had to trust the process

and not censor myself.

when i was finished

there was a lightness  i could feel and there is room freed up

for the new beginnings that i so desire and seek.

 

here we go...

( i left a few out)

 

i forgive myself for eating gluten, i forgive myself for missed appointments,i forgive mysef for not going to the garden enough, i forgive myself for not always fully trusting H, i forgive myself for using so much hot water with all my baths, i forgive myself for wandering into my way far back past and wishing for a simpler time, i forgive myself for going to Starbucks so often this past fall, i forgive myself for not trusting Owen's love for me enough, i forgive myself for holding back, i forgive myself for the letters that didn't get send and know there is still time, i forgive myself for stopping my gratitude list, i forgive mysef for not visiting little C this year, i forgive myself for the yet to be edited photos on my quickly dying computer, i forgive myself for letting some friendships go, i forgive myself for having to cancel on people at the last minute when i am unexpectedly flaring, i forgive myself for the sharp words i have spoken, especially to myself, i forgive myself for being so tired all the time, i forgive myself for being in the hospital and away from my family, i forgive myself for not taking flowers to my elderly hospital room mate even though i so wanted to, i forgive myself for being sick for so long (this one was particularly hard to write down), i forgive mysef for not always finishing what i start, i forgive myself for not wanting to be an artist, i forgive myself for not exercising.

 i forgive myself.

 

 

so much love to you!