as i have just a few days left
to say goodbye to 2012
i am stealing away moments
to do my closing work.
(they are all playing games at the table just aroud the corner from me,
having the greatest time it sounds like!)
i call it work
taking a wide, both eyes open look
at what has passed is,
a genuine form of work
it was time to forgive myself for the
misses of this year.
the places in my life that didn't measure up to what i had truly wanted to happen.
it is easy for me to feel guilty,
i am sensitive
to disapointing others and myself.
this guilt vein runs deep
and i am working to free myself from the limits it places on me.
"i forgive myself"
started the process
and in a fairly vulnerable act of openess
to share part of the list here
because i know
i am not the only one
who carries burdens
that need to be laid down.
some lay them at the cross,
some have ceremonies,
and some speak aloud their regrets
i write them out.
i thought to mysef before i began the list
that i would have just a few
but they just keep on coming and the page grew longer and longer.
i was suprised and had to trust the process
and not censor myself.
when i was finished
there was a lightness i could feel and there is room freed up
for the new beginnings that i so desire and seek.
here we go...
( i left a few out)
i forgive myself for eating gluten, i forgive myself for missed appointments,i forgive mysef for not going to the garden enough, i forgive myself for not always fully trusting H, i forgive myself for using so much hot water with all my baths, i forgive myself for wandering into my way far back past and wishing for a simpler time, i forgive myself for going to Starbucks so often this past fall, i forgive myself for not trusting Owen's love for me enough, i forgive myself for holding back, i forgive myself for the letters that didn't get send and know there is still time, i forgive myself for stopping my gratitude list, i forgive mysef for not visiting little C this year, i forgive myself for the yet to be edited photos on my quickly dying computer, i forgive myself for letting some friendships go, i forgive myself for having to cancel on people at the last minute when i am unexpectedly flaring, i forgive myself for the sharp words i have spoken, especially to myself, i forgive myself for being so tired all the time, i forgive myself for being in the hospital and away from my family, i forgive myself for not taking flowers to my elderly hospital room mate even though i so wanted to, i forgive myself for being sick for so long (this one was particularly hard to write down), i forgive mysef for not always finishing what i start, i forgive myself for not wanting to be an artist, i forgive myself for not exercising.
i forgive myself.
so much love to you!