saying goodbye...part 1

 

i adore new beginnings and the hope they hold

but i also

savour the sweet memories of yesterdays.

 

this year

this 2012 year

was to be the year of wellness.

the year to rest and repair and learn what it meant to care for myself.

 

this year was to be the year

where our family repaired and returned to itself

and our children,

all of them,

would find lives that were filled with love and safety.

 

this year

this 2012 year

was to be the year of abundant gardens,

daily art journaling,

chicken rearing,

canning and baking.

 

this year was to be the year of gratitude

and generosity and letter writing and love sharing.

 

this year has been a year like no other

and for that i am most grateful.

i want to be continually growing and changing and stretching

and i have been.

 

this has been a very good year.

 

all of what it was to be

of course

it hasn't been.

 

i am still to unwell to return to work

to return to much of anything really.

and i struggle and chaff and hit up against this reality daily,

so much so that my body feels bruised and worn

as if I have been in the fight of my life.

 

i need to surrender more to this place i reside in.

 

this year was a re connecting journey

with my curly haired girl.

it was a rocky start

and there were months of anguished pleads and prayers

but oh my how i love her so.

how i delight in spending my days with her.

how privilidged i feel that now

she chooses family.

she delightes in our company as much as we do in hers.

a gift.

truly a gift.

 

the garden didn't grow as it could have

and there was disappointment

and discouragement

but

the chickens thrived and

are a humourous and delightful part of our lives.

letters were written

and are written

and that is a whole post

itself..

the life changing practice of letter writing.

 

i am slowly saying goodbye to 2012

this week.

noticing what I am able to let go of easily

and the parts that are clinging to me

get a gentle second look.

 

this has been a good year.

a harder than hard year

but the abundance of my life

blankets the pain,

the sadness,

the struggle,

 the disapointments,

and i am left

warm and secure

in what has been.