Monday, December 3, 2012

sitting on the carpet

in therapy
i sat cross legged on the floor
with a sand tub in front of me
(slightly skeptical at first, to be honest)
and i marveled at how i had gotten here
how i continue to seek out full healing of my body, mind and soul
and how similar my therapist
was interacting with me
as i interacted with the young ones
i so delighted in caring for.
i felt as though she knew
 that being childlike
 was the way to win my heart.
now i know that statement puts me in a vulnerable place.
do i need to be treated like a toddler?
why am i playing with sand bins
and crayons?
is there an immaturity in me that only responds to child like approaches?
not at all my friends,
not at all.
she allows me the space and silence to do exactly
what i need to do
at that moment
to work through my story.
she doesn't tell me how to use the supplies
she trusts that i know what i need and i will engage in the process
as i am able and willing.
so like how i would let the little ones
interact with the art supplies, the sensory bins, the rhythms of our day.
it is the same.
young and old.
we are able to access what we need
when we are in a place of safety and trust.
the stories pour out of me like water over a waterfall
and i hear myself starting and stopping
and wrestling until i am speaking what my heart is saying,
not my head.
therapy is new for me.
i am three weeks in.
it is a luxury that i cannot afford to not have.
i am seeing an art therapist
rather than a talk therapist
yet i find myself talking
speaking through the drawings, the sand tray work
(that was a first for me today! it is quite profound!)
i find myself anticipating an hour to myself
with out any outside pressures or obligations.
my family appreciates that i am doing this for me
and they inquire of my time when i return home
(it has opened communication with the curly haired girl and i even more)
i sit on the floor often when i am there,
this wasn't the first session spent on the carpet rather than the chairs
and she joins me,
just as i did the small ones.
always meeting them in their space,
honouring their comfort and rituals.
it is affirming for me
that my instinctual way of interacting
is life affirming and that
i am now having that honour and respect
 returned to me.

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