sitting on the carpet

 

today

in therapy

i sat cross legged on the floor

with a sand tub in front of me

(slightly skeptical at first, to be honest)

 

and i marveled at how i had gotten here

how i continue to seek out full healing of my body, mind and soul

and how similar my therapist

was interacting with me

as i interacted with the young ones

i so delighted in caring for.

i felt as though she knew

 that being childlike

 was the way to win my heart.

 

 

now i know that statement puts me in a vulnerable place.

do i need to be treated like a toddler?

why am i playing with sand bins

and crayons?

is there an immaturity in me that only responds to child like approaches?

 

not at all my friends,

not at all.

she allows me the space and silence to do exactly

what i need to do

at that moment

to work through my story.

she doesn't tell me how to use the supplies

she trusts that i know what i need and i will engage in the process

as i am able and willing.

 

so like how i would let the little ones

interact with the art supplies, the sensory bins, the rhythms of our day.

 

it is the same.

young and old.

we are able to access what we need

when we are in a place of safety and trust.

the stories pour out of me like water over a waterfall

and i hear myself starting and stopping

and wrestling until i am speaking what my heart is saying,

not my head.

 

therapy is new for me.

i am three weeks in.

it is a luxury that i cannot afford to not have.

i am seeing an art therapist

rather than a talk therapist

yet i find myself talking

speaking through the drawings, the sand tray work

(that was a first for me today! it is quite profound!)

i find myself anticipating an hour to myself

with out any outside pressures or obligations.

my family appreciates that i am doing this for me

and they inquire of my time when i return home

(it has opened communication with the curly haired girl and i even more)

 

i sit on the floor often when i am there,

this wasn't the first session spent on the carpet rather than the chairs

and she joins me,

just as i did the small ones.

always meeting them in their space,

honouring their comfort and rituals.

it is affirming for me

that my instinctual way of interacting

is life affirming and that

i am now having that honour and respect

 returned to me.