meeting myself on the mat

 

there is sweat

running down my back

and while that might seem like

way too much information

it is important

to me that i share it.

 

i am

meeting myself

anew

on the mat,

the elliptical machine

and through the footsteps that i am pounding

around the lakes and trails of my neighbourhood.

 

two motivations are taking me to the sweaty place.

a desire to get strong

and put my illness in the back of my life instead of the front

 

and

to renew my connection with nature and the absolutely beautiful place we live in.

 

and so,

i sweat.

and i get over my fear of doing hard physical activities

because i want to start doing them.

i want to strap on that backpack and return to where i once went.

i desire to hike the west coast trail again

before i am much older than i am now

and i want to

dig dirt and turn garden beds like a boss

in a few short months

 

i desire to daily remember that we live in a most splendid world

and by getting out of the house, the car, the coffee shop

i will be able to give thanks with more abundance and gratitude

that i already try to do.

 

to being sweaty!

 to becoming strong!

 to reveling in the greenness that surrounds me!

 

what if...

 

i just found a notebook from last year

and it

had a page

doodled with

phrases and words

 

phrases such as:

 

hope spreader

love sprinkler

heart chooser

 

and i remembered

that i was wishing

there was a way

i could do what i love

for just a wee bit of money

you know,

enough to put gas in the car

and buy organic fruit.

 

what if

we could do what we love

and also earn a living at the same time.

what if

i could create a life

that allowed me to have the rest i need

on the really bad days

but also contribute on the good days

and even

get paid for it..

 

i dunno...

just a what if thought that is running through my head today.

your input is welcome.

we visited a market.

be warned...

this is a photo heavy post

and contains a photo of raw meat

 

 

enjoy!

 

 

“That without experimentation,

 a willingness to ask questions

and try new things,

 we shall surely become static, repetitive, moribund.”

-Anthony Bourdain-

 



January's Cake

 

once a month

for the year

Dorothea and I are making a cake together.

 

this month's was

Triple Layer Lemon Cake

 

 

 

it will be a lovely tradition

that is quite popular already with our households!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

enoughness

 

 

owen comes home to return to work

hannah returns to school

and

i return

to what feels like

nothing.

 

vacations

seem to imply a break from the regular routine of life

and that when you return from that vacation

you will resume what you were previously doing.

 

i was getting well

and that hasn't happened yet

and so i am in the place that has no beginning and end

the place of doing

nothing.

 

it is a hard place to be

and is making re-entry difficult

i am not sure what it means

but i know it feels

yucky and hard and selfish and just not me.

 

it is not where i want to be

yet here i am.

 

i need to remember that i am enough

that my contribution is enough

that this is okay.

that i am not defined by what i do

but by who i am

 

tricky business

i tell you

 

 

a soft spot

 

i have a soft spot for Asia.

i was just 18 the first time

i packed a backpack with

youthful optimism and went to the Philippines

whole-heartedly believing

 i was following my "calling."

i left behind

my parents, whom i sure were worried sick,

my highschool sweetheart,

the life i understood and knew well,

and i carried myself

forward,

believing that i was changing the world

 and making a difference.

 

 

what i am reminded of,

having just returned

from Thailand

and spending white sand beach wandering time

is that

i needed Asia

much more than Asia needed me.

 

 

 

there is an optimism

that permeates the people

i have encoutered on both trips.

smiles that crack faces open,

time spent in realationship,

rather than in busyness.

there is little complaint heard

 laughter, good natured teasing and communal living

is the norm.

 

i am

grateful for the reminders of the good life

 i saw while i was there.

i am richer for the experience

all experiences that we allow ourselves to dive into make for so much heart stretching.

joy filling. mind expanding. soul softening.

 

 

my love for this culture

the little i understand of it

runs deep.

 

(if only the food and i liked each other, but that's another day's story)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

colours!

eek!

i just noticed how hard

it is to read

purple

now that my background

is gray.

bear with me as

i figure out the best colour

and if you have

a suggestion,

tell me:)



watching the bloom

 

we are leaving

tomorrow

for our trip to Thailand

and each time

 i let my heart remember

why we are going,

i am overcome

with gratitude

and so amazed by grace.

 

yes we are going to see the elephant

and the floating market

and we will be visiting a temple or three

and most certainly

we are going to soak up the sun

and marvel at the landscape and the

kindness of the people.

yes,

we are going for a much needed holiday.

a break.

but the reason we are going

is where the grace comes in.

 

when the curly haired girl returned home

last December we were starting anew.

there were thin threads that connected us and

we all were neck-deep in the trauma of the Fall.

she and i needed a way to reconnect to each other.

we needed to become bound together again

and we did so by dreaming.

of Thailand

 

such a small fragile seed that was,

cupped in my hands and breathed over with hope.

we spoke often,

sitting on the couch, sharing pots of tea

of our love of travel

*she has been to Costa Rica and Mexico before*

and we found common excitement and purpose

together again.

 

tiny dream

that now, a year later is

26 hours away from becoming a reality.

 

a year ago,

the idea of owen, hannah and i

doing anything together

was so far from what we were experiencing.

my journal entries remind me of the silence, the anger, the begrudging exchanges.

yet now,

i watch as she chooses

family over and over again

i listen as laughter rings through our home

and i anticipate a trip that not only

connects us with elephants and the beauty of Thailand

but a trip that will

bind our hearts even tighter than they already are.

 

so much grace has been given to us.

i am beyond grateful for our second chance together

as a mama and her girl.

 

how easily i abandon what is important to me.

 

-a collection of forgotten dishes left behind by a very sweet girl-

 

not people

i don't abandon them.

at least i try my best not to.

 

i am thinking more

about

dreams and intentions and ideas that i really wanted to pursue

and the curiosities that i had.

 

{and remember all we promised ourselves when we were small

and nothing was impossible?oh, me too! such plans i had.}

 

i easily abandon those

and move on to fill the space

with new dreams and intentions

and ideas that i really want to pursue

and all the new curiosities

i have discovered i am curious about.

 

 this bothers me a little.

just a little bother

but enough that i thought it

important enough

to sit with my stack of journals

and

remember.

 

i really wanted to ride a bike often

and i also was very curious about anthropology.

i desired and still do,

to go to Haiti

and i spent alot of time

wishing i could wear high heels.

 

i wanted to practice my gratitude journal faithfully

and i promised to art journal everyday.

i intended to stop eating sugar and start exercising

at least 3x a week.

i was going to share my poems here i this space

and have people for dinner at least once a week.

 

i had books to read

and clutter to clear

and handmade body products to make

and bread recipes to try

and gardens all planned out

i was going to cook my friend dinner once a week

and

i am sure learning to swim felt most urgent.

 

and there were the secret wishes

and the deep dark desires

and the questions that have no answers lists

 

i felt like i was stepping back in time

even though it was only a stack of last year and a bit more

 

as each day became the next

and filled up with life

some of those did happen

and so many of them didn't

and while i deemed them all

so.very.important.

at the moment

only some of them now hold that same weight

 

and those are the ones

that now,

in this shiny new year

 have returned to my list

they are the ones

that make up my creative and daily habits

 of my now.

at least until i replace them with new ones.

 

oh life.

i do love you so.

*stretching* looks like this

 

-that is me on Christmas day-

-trying to get used to the wrinkles that are showing up-

 

 

 

early in the morning hours

-3 am seems to be a favorite time-

 when my body was screaming at me

-yes, it is still doing that, daily-

and i could feel a wave of hot,fierce anger begin to wash over me

i reminded myself

-barely-

that i am bigger than the pain.

that i have

 *got this*

in the sense that i am well practiced and have nothing to fear.

 

poems formed in my head,

words tumbling together

but the swollen fingers refused to grasp a pen

even lightly

so the words fell apart and drifted back to where they came

and i was left with

the darkness

-again-

 

i wanted to have an out of body experience so i

could gather up the broken pieces of

now

in my arms

and whisper to each one,

 that i will not break, i will be well, this too shall pass.

i wanted to

be a fortune teller

 telling  myself stories of my future wholeness.

but of course, we are not meant to know our futures

 

so instead i wait for the light to come and i comfort myself that somewhere it is morning time and people are starting their tea and saying their morning prayers and begining a fresh new day.

morning always arrives

-yes-

and i return to myself to

 delight in my present

through gratitude  work

spoken thanksgiving

and projects

that will stretch me

creatively

spiritually,

emotionally,

 mentally

and

physically

 

the morning always comes.

i cling to that..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

one little word.

 

my word is

STRETCH

and i am excited.

last year

my word served me well

but it felt like work

a struggle

a conflict within me to

truly be balanced.

i am getting there

with that one,

i really am

and i am grateful

 

but this word...

oh the possibilites!

 

and my word has helper words this year as well.

four to be exact.

HONOUR, TRUST, BRAVE and EXPLORE

 

the question i asked myself

(thanks to this lovely lady)

was

 

If you lived and breathed

 your word every day, in 2013,

what would be different for you?

 

i did just that with

 BALANCE

last year,

i whispered it to myself daily.

it helped.

 

here is what i have so far..

we are only one half day in after all

 and i am busy hatching creative plans

 with a group of lovely ladies

and i am finding that to be a lovely distraction,

which is partly the point of creative plans.

 

i went to the dictionary and the thesauraus for some help.

 

{i would}

 

[ i will]

 

amplify, branch out, bridge,burst forth,

develop,draw out, expand,

fill, go, grow, lenghten, magnify, make, open,

overlap, reach, run, shoot up, span,

spread, spread out, spring up, unfold,

unroll and widen.

 

i am saying a brave YES to all of those,

especially the colourful ones!

 

and just as important,

 

(i will not)

compress and shrink

myself

any longer.