Friday, May 11, 2012

the truth about lunch and the humility highway

owen invited me to meet him for lunch yesterday.
it was an unusual event being he works all over town,
is very busy and as far i know takes a lunch every morning with him.
i never know for sure as i am still lazy in bed when he is getting out the door.

i met him in the parking lot and noticed he was sizing me up,
and it wasn't because of what i was wearing..that i promise you!
i leaned in for a kiss and laughed at him.
i knew what he was up to.

you see, i've just recently, in the past 24 hours,
 broken the news to him that i have diagnosed myself
as being depressed.
this is a diagnosis i have been refusing my entire life, and for good reason.
i have not been depressed before.
i have been sad. i have been down. i have struggled. i have been sick. i have been very, very sick.
i have had my share of kicks and i have survived a few hard situations in my life.

but with  notable differences. those hurdles were all managed with optimism and the ablity to see them as temporary.

i know now, for a fact that i was correct in never accepting or even considering the depression diagnosis because man,
this sucks.
and just like that, i understand what i empathized with but never really "got" until now.
i am pretty sure that this current place i am in is harder than the other places i have once been.
here i am.
accepting that for now. for today. and  tomorrow  and certainly for the past month or so,
i am and have been not just sick and tired and worried out of my mind for the curly haired girl,
 but also depressed.

like the clinical kind.
 the "check off these boxes if you are feeling this way so we can give a name to your despair so that you can understand that you are legitimate in how you are feeling" kind.

but enough about that. 
back to lunch.
owen laughed, having been "caught" so quickly  and i told  him that i was aware that he was sizing up his newly depressed wife and he confessed that yes, he was indeed trying to read "my face" in order to know how to proceed.
we laughed again and i promised him that i wasn't intending on changing my look much and i was certainly not going to turn different shades of "blue" to make it more convenient for him.
we settled into a mediocre lunch
on a windy patio with a tippy table.
this drove me to distraction
which is a symptom of my current condition.
very. low. tolerance.
 i'm so done with being okay with everything that happens to me.
so done with it people!
(and this is just a tippy table. my entire house should be shuddering in fear)

please don't be offended by my glib approach to my current state.
i am aware of how serious and how life changing and how much work it is for those who battle
(and yes, battle is the right word i now reilize)
i am aware, all too aware of the different opinions and options and reasons, and judgements and well, just all the "stuff" that looms over the word.
i am no stranger to medical controversy and the natural vs. medical debates that rage about every condition out there.
i have my work cut out for me as i construct a "plan."
and i am indeed constructing a plan as fast as this turtle slow body and mind will let me.

i am continuing down this humility highway at breakneck speeds and i need to and want to be able to somedays have a sense of humour about this.
we need to laugh.
so there you have it.
depression and a lunch date all in one afternoon.
pretty successful day i think.

May has been full of confessions here at the blog.
 starts of conversations and processes i am working through.
 this concerns me-
 all this starting of conversations that seem to have no end. 
 i am a girl who appreciates closing doors that i open, or at least walking all the way through them once i've opened them up wide for all to see. 
i intend to keep you, my beloved readers up to date on the stories as they progress. i promise not to leave you wondering what happened to the "tania space" or how it is going with my birth story work. it's all being worked on, very slowly mind you. but the stories will have more to share.
 i promise.
 Thanks for joining in my life with me here in this space.


  1. thank you for trusting us followers with your story, and allowing us to follow you along humility highway. thank you for paving the way - you are a great role model, a real super spokeswoman for the promotion of self-care and well-being.

  2. This is an eloquent and beautifully crafted piece...

    And you are so right that there is a kind of gallows-humor to it all. The black laughter can look odd from the outside, sometimes, but for those of us who have been there...well, we understand. Laugh - at whatever you can - or die.

  3. I love you! I hope that rest and peace and contentment gather around and within you.