staying true to the plan

the plan was to take a year right?

to give myself, my body, and my family

time to rest and recover

and to get this colitis into remission.

it was an agonizing decision and one that came slowly and then fell into place quickly

and before I knew it the daycare was packed up, I no longer saw Maria twice a week

and the little ones were relocated and settled in nicely.

my family has enjoyed having me home. there was a clean house, dinners, time for tea dates and homemade break and endless tv marathons.

i started my remicade treatments, had time to do nothing. and began to heal.

began to feel balanced.

but i am wavering.

 feeling lost a wee bit. tempted by outside offers,

 feeling the struggle to find my self worth in myself, not in what i offer the world.

i find the lack of structure necessary for my body and soul but tricky to navigate some days.

there needs to be a balance right?

but how does one plan when the body has a mind of it's own and turns traitor on me withought even asking if this is a good time to shut down?

there is a humility that comes when plans need to be cancelled last minute,

opportunities considered and then denied.

an emptiness and sorrow that is hard to explain even to myself

but a necessary one.

i am four months in and that leaves eight to go.

i can't even imagine the angst come September when i don't return to "work" in some formal capacity.

i am gently adding some structure to my days and the few hours I get that are pain free

are spend very carefully on chosen activites that feed my soul and my creativity.

i garden. i create art with small ones.

it is a choice.

i choose one activity over another because most days i don't get the luxury of doing two.

this is the reality of living with an auto immune disease.

 and for a girl who has always prided herself on doing more than necessary,

on always saying yes, and on finding her self worth in her service to others,

this new life is so different.

and so challenging but so full of gifts and blessings and growth and discovery.

i am pretty proud of myself for sticking to the plan.

it's tough. and i almost didn't listen to the intuitive voice reminding me.

owen helped. so did praying. and reflecting. and remembering.

but mostly, honouring myself by saying no, when i really, really thought saying yes would be the right thing to do.