random thoughts...

there was a gigantic cat, perhaps even a racoon in our backyard today checking out the chicken.

the chickens, curious girls that they are all crowed up to the wire so they could get a better look at their visitor.

i decided that i needed to trust that Owen built a very sturdy chicken run and didn't go out to "rescue" or "intervene"...

just let it play out.

the chickens are all still there.

curious as ever.

today Gideon finished his first year of schooling for Plumbing.

i am incredibly proud of him and also slightly puzzled by his calm and orderly progression through the teenage years.

he is now accomplishing what most  early20 years olds are working through yet he is still 17.

i am grateful for this boy.

or perhaps i should say man-child.

so grateful.

i had tea yesterday with my dear friend Judi and we spent alot of time talking about birth stories and how they make up the fabric of our lives as women.

story telling is an important part of our lives and the shaping of our current identities.

i am still working on mine.

the big garden is planted full of lovely spring offerings but without some sun and warm weather

the seedings are destined to stay just that.

seedlings. teeny tiny ones.

i may need to revise my basket program to start in June instead.

i laugh at my yearly optimism over gardening.

i have been planting for so many years and i know every year that May is cold and damp,

yet April tricks me.

those warm days that come and feel so permanent.

obviously not.

it is rainy and cold and damp and very west coast.

it has been a slow week for me.

i am coming to terms with my new abilities and they don't feel very big, strong or important.

it is a shift from the old way to the new way.

i noticed last night as i was talking to owen just before he fell asleep that i no longer end my day with the belief that i will be well in the morning.

every night for, well, 3 years now, i would say to him

"it's okay babe, i'm going to be better tomorrow"

and i truly believed it.

i guess i stopped saying that about a month ago.

i am choosing to see this as growth. acceptance. progress.

not as discouragement and the giving up of hope.

which is what is sounds like,

and on the darkest days,

actually is.

but by reframing those words i can choose to see acceptance of who i am right now

and learn to live with that reality.

there can be freedom in that.

(but hot tears still form when i type the words)