ah-ha!

 

it was a simple email conversation

 

 

her:

"i was thinking about  how your body is like my husband.And how learning to love them completely as they are always must come before change"

 

me

"i just need to rid myself of my self determined "rights and expectations" of it, yes?"

 

her:

"oh my gosh...yes"

 

me:

"i dunno where that even came from but yes! that's it!!"

 

her:

"being sad that things are not "the way they should be" brings on so much unneeded suffering"

 

me:

"yes!! this may be my 'ah-ha' moment"

 

her:

"blessings my lovely. you are right exactly in the center of where you are. right here and now. a very good place to be."

 

me:

"exhale. thank you"

 

so simple and so profound at the same time.

so much of my struggle is wrapped up in mourning what i had, what i was, what i could do, what i ate, what i contributed, what i based my "self" on, the pride i had, the striving to prove my worthiness by "doing", the freedom to not care much about my body because it never let me down...

 

those have all by stripped away and each time i strive to gather them back to me,

the old ways, the comfortable grooves that i fit so nicely in,

well,

they get stripped away again.

and again.

there is a determination in the change i am being "forced" to go through.

it is time to stop fighting.

 

i am letting them go this time.

i can reinvent myself

and use my new limitations, but also my new strengths

to create

me,

all the while, mindfully accepting that

i am exactly who i am meant to be.

 right now. here. in this space.on this day.

 

 because i am doing what i do best.

i am doing me.

 

 and how that looks will change

 and i will change and life will change

 and it will have easy seasons again

, and harder ones too

 and as long as i don't attach myself

 so rooted

to what i think my life should be,

 all will be well.

 

and that is what i have been working to do

all this tossing and turning and striving and questioning.

the deep soul work, the physical illness work,

 

i have been striving

"to be well"

 

perhaps my definition has been incorrect.