(this is metaphor heavy, which i am not fond of,
or necessarily good at crafting..
but this is what i see.
i see big thick vines coming at me..
so here it is..raw and messy)
i can feel them sometimes
trying to scramble up my limbs
and choke me out.
the fear. the pain. the mind numbing exhaustion
and even as i see
growing ever thicker and stronger
as the days have turned into months
and the months just kept passing and
have become just shy of 4 years
i continue to run
to call them out
and notice their tricky ways.
i am determined to not be tangled and swallowed
bit by bit
(even as it feels like i am)
often the depression comes
during a particularly long bout of flaring
and there starts be this mind numbing fog that
permeates every fiber of my being
and then i top that off with the
"eat nothing and that might work" plan
because the only food my body tolerates most days is no food.
today is that day.
today is the day that i am weary and hungry and so fog heavy i can barely navigate
the living room couch to the kitchen and back again
without getting lost.
this is not a complaint
it is an observation
it is a reality
and i need to continue to
notice the thick vines of despair
and send them on their way.
(and sometimes i might need help doing so)
i run from them
until that is too much work
i run farther yet from them by immersing myself in others,
until that is too draining.
i use art, poetry, words, gratitude, journals, prayer, meditation, photography, tea
until i become to exhausted
to pick up a pen, or put the kettle on
and i find myself waiting for Owen to come home from work and rescue me
by bringing me tea to drink, reminding me to take a hot bath, watch a distracting show,
he rubs my feet, trying to work out the stress.
those strategies. those gifts to myself all work well.
until a day like today.
( so many of my loved ones would come and sit with me, but that feels to vulnerable on days like today)
i could feel the choking going on around my ankles and wrists,
i found myself
allowing my mind to wander
to places i no longer am,
to people who are no longer a part of me,
i wandered back inot dreams i no longer hold dear,
ideals i once thought would save me.
i wandered in an effort to escape
but i think that instead
i briefly became more tangled up.
i felt myself physically jolt back,
somewhat groggily and with much effort
to my reality.
my beautiful life.
i need to remain.
to sink into what is my now
and shore up my weary self
i need to take care not to wander into the very vines themselves
and get lost once and for all.
this is where i am meant to be.
i am here.
and all will be well.