an observation

 

(this is metaphor heavy, which i am not fond of,

or necessarily good at crafting..

but this is what i see.

i see big thick vines coming at me..

so here it is..raw and messy)

 

i can feel them sometimes

trying to scramble up my limbs

and choke me out.

 

the fear. the pain. the mind numbing exhaustion

and even as i see

them coming

growing ever thicker and stronger

as the days have turned into months

and the months just kept passing and

have become just shy of 4 years

i continue to run

to retreat

to call them out

and notice their tricky ways.

i am determined to not be tangled and swallowed

bit by bit

 

(even as it feels like i am)

 

often the depression comes

during a particularly long bout of flaring

and there starts be this mind numbing fog that

permeates every fiber of my being

and then i top that off with the

"eat nothing and that might work" plan

because the only food my body tolerates most days is no food.

 

today is that day.

today is the day that i am weary and hungry and so fog heavy i can barely navigate

the living room couch to the kitchen and back again

without getting lost.

 

this is not a complaint

it is an observation

it is a reality

mine

and i need to continue to

notice the thick vines of despair

and send them on their way.

 

(and sometimes i might need help doing so)

 

i run from them

by distraction

until that is too much work

i run farther yet from them by immersing myself in others,

until that is too draining.

i use art, poetry, words, gratitude, journals, prayer, meditation, photography, tea

until i become to exhausted

to pick up a pen, or put the kettle on

 

and i find myself waiting for Owen to come home from work and rescue me

by bringing me tea to drink, reminding me to take a hot bath, watch a distracting show,

he rubs my feet, trying to work out the stress.

 

those strategies. those gifts to myself all work well.

until a day like today.

 

( so many of my loved ones  would come and sit with me, but that feels to vulnerable on days like today)

 

today,

i could feel the choking going on around my ankles and wrists,

and

i found myself

allowing my mind to wander

to places i no longer am,

to people who are no longer a part of me,

i wandered back inot dreams i no longer hold dear,

ideals i once thought would save me.

 

i wandered in an effort to escape

the vines,

but i think that instead

i briefly became more tangled up.

 

i felt myself physically jolt back,

return,

somewhat groggily and with much effort

to

now.

to here.

to my reality.

my beautiful life.

i need to remain.

to sink into what is my now

and shore up my weary self

i need to take care not to wander into the very vines themselves

and get lost once and for all.

 

this is where i am meant to be.

i am here.

 and all will be well.