Saturday, February 2, 2013

i didn't know...

those things.
those moments
those opportunities.
the ones i didn't know i wanted
until i wasn't able to have them.
that is where my thoughts wandered to today
as i pushed the vacuum through the house
and gathered the eggs,
straightened the summer lawn chairs
in a neat row,
as if to hurry along spring.
yesterday i had the
"aha" moments of understanding
why i am so giddy and over the moon about getting sweaty.
for the past year i haven't been able to move much
and i certainly wasn't out walking trails or even feeling like getting off the couch.
it hurt too much
and it may hurt too much again
and so,
there is this intense gratitude and wonder
at this fresh opportunity.
and then
what about all those salads i turned down or the fruit
because i would have rather had,
well, a burger. or fries. or cake. or chips. or candy.
a bit of a carb and sugar addict here
and before the colitis
that won't behave as it should joined my life,
it didn't matter too much if i said no to salad and yes to cake
because i assumed that salad would always be an option.
i could, and pretended i would,
eat healthy next month
but then,
for the past 3 years
i haven't had that choice
my body has said no,
a thousand time over
i will not process raw food. i will not let you eat that.
and suddenly,
i really would love a salad.
i would.
(salad days are coming soon though. i am gonna push through that one if i can and eat them)
it is only little things right
and for that i am fortunate.
i haven't lost anything or anyone that i can not regain
with careful experimenting and gentle body pushing.
with letting the process unfold as it should.
so much gratitude for this life.
i dunno,
i just think that it's important
to once in a while,
on a Saturday morning
take some time to remember what we have
what we do, where we are at in our lives
and be aware that
while it might all disappear tomorrow,
we can be grateful and give thanks
however we choose to do that.

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