the girl.
i keep coming back to the girl.
parenting feels impossibly hard
when i choose not to control,
manipulate, punish.
letting her walk out her choices is scary
and it hurts and it has no promise of anything
at the end.
of course
no parenting style does.
that's the point i think.
being in a state of constant vulnerability.
taking it to the cross.
not getting so attached to the daily,
having to trust the process in its entirety.
the end result.
i am exhausted by this.
staying true is work.
hard work.
i need to give the fear,
the completly unhelpful desire to control
back again and again.
i hand her over,
take her back.
surrender her again,
take her back.
and perhaps that is how it always will be.
building that tiny muscle of
trust and surrender.
trust and surrender.
ugh.
let it be gentler than it has been please.
Oh yes, I know this well. Mine is 'the Boy'. I have that constant pull and tug and let go thing happening with him too. He will be 18 next week... he's slipping from my fingers and I cannot hold on like I once did. My baby... my 'one-eyed Joshy' (he came out of my womb with one eye trying to open and the other closed)is all grown up and struggling for his independence. I do not like this struggle much.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you Tania. Thank you for your beautiful words.
Blessings
Kelly