finding my rhythm

i am on holidays in ontario

to celebrate

(and decorate and photograph)

the wedding of owen's sister becky.

there are lots of us staying at John's parents farm house

 here in rural ontario.

it is hot and clear

and there are crickets and chickens and peacocks

and fields of corn and a babbling creek

we are sleeping in bedrooms that once belonged to

children and have treasures still on the walls and sitting on shelves.

the kitchen is crowded and full of many conversations

and lists of wedding plans are found

everywhere

and in the middle of this

i am finding out

alot about myself

and how to find my rhythm.

rubbing shoulders with beloved family members

is a sure way to feel connected.

yet,

sitting outside alone

is also a sure way to feel connected

there is a balance between coming together

and being apart

i felt awkward this morning when i really

wanted to be alone

for just a few moments

but once i allowed that to happen

i reilized that i had so much more to give

when we were all together again.

i am seeing

that i need a balance

of outside and inside

together and apart

just owen and i

just hannah and i

just i.

for some people i think it is easy to do what you need to do.

but for me,

as someone who is always observing and registering

the moods and needs

 and feelings of those around me

i am unable to sometimes think

 about what i need

what is it that helps me balance my day?

without the distractions of work and home,

vacations can show us who we really are

underneath the busyness.

i am discovering a me that i didn't know existed

and i think i like her.

sorrow and joy

oh the mixed emotions of a life fully lived.

we just got news that

owen's beloved Poppy

(his grandpa)

passed away today

most unexpectedly.

there are hot tears and healing music filling our home this afternoon

in just a few hours

owen's family, hannah and i

board a plane

for Ontario

to celebrate

the wedding of his sister Becky

to her beloved John.

-life is always changing -

be open to what it brings you

and find the gift

no matter how deeply buried it may be.

pretty images from my week...

new friday thing.

pretty images from my week.

enjoy.

grateful thoughts!

i have super talented,

 generous friends who bless me

 by sharing their talents and love with me

my kitchen can go from hurricane to

clean in less than 10 minutes

(i am very grateful for this - i need a clean kitchen)

every day owen calls me at lunch and

we have a five minute

love fest

sweet peas and balloons and streamers

are all blowing in my garden right now!

i am starting to get a wee bit excited

for our trip to ontario on saturday

my instagram blurb book

is so

delightful

i am in love

happy mail!

i have so much to be grateful for.

i bet you do too!

today.

today i feel

like there is too much to accomplish

and i am not very full of

patience and grace.

i feel like

i need to compulsively write

lists to keep myself from panicking

about all that i

need to be doing.

need to be doing?

really,

when one stops and thinks about it

there is very little that we actually

need.to.do.

there are lots of things

that help keep our live more orderly

and help us meet our goals and responsibilites

there are many many things

we want to do.

but when i start panicking

about simple joyful activites

like

ice.cream.parties

i know that there is something out of balance.

when my body starts

screaming for the very food that will make me sick

i know that i need to stop and breathe.

no more  running around in never ending circles -

no panicking about made up expectations

no more busy projects.

i just need to do what needs to be done

and trust that the rest will take care of itself.

it always does and always will.

today

is

one of those days where i need to be reminded

to stop.

 do what needs to be done.

 breathe.

 trust.

let go.

 enjoy.

today and tomorrow will take care of themselves.

pulling up the covers...

sometimes it is so easy to pull up the covers

so to speak.

to pretend that there isn't a small voice of concern

speaking to us

or there isn't a  behaviour that we really are uncomfortable with

or perhaps

there is our intuition

tugging at us quietly

requesting an audience.

sometimes

it is simpler,

it seems at least

to hide from from the truth

by being extra busy

or extra loud

or extra quiet.

sometimes

we think that the situation or concern or problem

will just go away on its own.

even though we have tried this strategy many many times

often with the same result,

we somehow trick ourselves into taking the

easier route.

avoiding the hard conversation or the  lifestyle change we may need to make

or the stretching and growing that will come

when we pull the covers off of ourselves and

truly see.

earlier this year

i was working really hard at being more authentic

with myself and those close to me.

it has not been a perfect process

and there are times when i

am

right back to where i used to be

but in some areas of my life

the cover pulling

was telling.

i learned so much about myself

and i can see the value

in really being authentic.

there is a freedom that begins to develop

and that frees up space for other growth and opportunites to flourish

it takes a whole lot of trust in myself though

and that is often where i stumble.

but i am also learning that it is okay to stumble

as long as i pick myself up, brush myself off,

 try again,

and not

 retreat

 under the blankets.

patience and grace

two words that are hard to live out sometimes

two words that i am blessed to have extended to me

daily

by my dear loving husband

two words that i need and want to extend to others

oh

how tricky is this yo-yo life of living with others

how tough it is to remain constant, unchanging

solidly grounded

when the emotions and behaviours and attitudes

leap and jump and spin and tumble

all around me

all the time

add to that any sort of external stressor

and there is the makings for

a whole lot of conflict

but instead

slowly and steadily,

sometimes moment by moment

i am trying to choose to respond

with patience and grace

remembering that anything we are experiencing

any situation

is temporary and organic and is going to

look very different even moments later

responding with patience and grace

allows for relationships to remain unbroken

for tempers to remain calm

and for words not to have to be taken back

because really,

who likes to have to take words back?

i need to have an anchor

something that grounds me solidly to

my truest understanding of myself

and

i need to ensure that i am really

truly not going to be tossed here and there

by the fluctuating behaviours and words of others.

i wish it were as easy as it sounds.

my list

on my birthday i made my list

and then forgot about it

but yesterday while i was cleaning

it was there waiting for me.

43 things i would like to do before

my next birthday.

-the list-

host a dinner party

volunteer

grow perfect tomatoes

paint a BIG canvas

find my tribe

go on an art weekend

whiten my teeth

lose ten pounds (and then gain it back?!)

learn to swim

getaway to Seattle with Owen

girls time away with hannah

family weekend away to Wilderquest

BBQ a roast on a rotisserie

buy Vaya pretty dresses

keep writing snail mail

make Maddy's mom a scrapbook

go on an all day hike

tea with my mommy

tea with Corrie

paint rocks for the garden

learn to cook Indian Food

     make coconut milk ice-cream

(it was unpleasant-must try again!)

go on a picnic

sleep under the stars

play with glo sticks at the beach

call an old friend

paint my toe nails bright pink

wear more dresses

get a tattoo with owen

(this has since been taken off the list-bad idea we decided)

learn to make delicious suntea

eat more veggies

shop at the farmer's market as much as possible

walk when i can, instead of driving

visit lisa in vancouver

journal more often

wear high heels

( i can't make this happen kim - i try but it just doesn't work out to well!)

buy/grow myself flowers 

go on a train trip

do a photoshoot with ridiculous amounts of balloons

camp!

celebrate Canada Day

(didn't happen- sad face)

collect mismatched china dishes

(started!)

go to a yoga class

from a friend.

when i have a house of my own

i will plant many, many

hydrangea bushes

and rambling rose bushes too.

there will be butterfly bushes and lavender trails

and smooth polished stone circle to sit upon.

the garden will be riotous with colour and smell

deliciously

chocolate cosmos, star gazer lillies

lilac trees

perhaps there will be a pond

or a babbling stream

certainly a hot tub!

and a fire pit to warm my toes at.

but for now,

i will get my hydrangea fix

from a dear friend

who regularly picks blooms for me.

extreme optimism..

"Let us rise up and be thanful for if we

didn't learn a lot today,

at least we learned a little,

and if we didn't learn a little,

at least we didn't get sick,

and if we got sick,

at least we didn't die;

so,

let us all be thankful"

this made me laugh...

and i posted it on my fridge and everytime i read it

i feel cheerful inside..

it made my family laugh too.

laughter is good.

\

invisible..

i think blogging every day helps me

not feel invisible.

there needs to be strategies

in place

for me to feel connected

in a meaningful way to the people that are important to me

outside of my family

and being i work at home

that connection needs to be intentional.

so,

blogging is my way of feeling like i am having a good little

heart to heart each day with someone special.

the funny thing is i write for myself -

deliberatly not getting caught up in

punctuation and sentence structure.

i just tend to sit down,

choose a photo that

"speaks to me"

(because they do)

and type out a few honest, unedited thoughts.

as for you who are reading them,

i figure that the only reason you would read my blog

in the first place

would be becasue you care for me at some level

and therefore, i am succeeding in

staying connected.

of course,

i am also blessed with a few dear friends

who drop in unexpectedly

often for less than 10 minutes or so...

you are littele rays of sunlight in my day!

and get to see me at my best and worst

depending on the moment.

so yea,

that is why i am here every day,

usually just after lunch,

typing quickly and happily

reaching out to my little world

and reminding myself that

i am still here.

not invisible.

i suppose some of us would like to be invisible

and unseen

and i too often want to retreat

but for me

for my personality

that retreating and hiding

 is not helpful for extended periods of time.

i need

this.

for myself.

and that is okay.

thankfulness list!

the garden is awash with pink!

extra long sleepins on the weekend

almond milk and a straw

extra hands to help me with my little ones

clean kitchen floors

couch time with owen in the evenings

holidays are only a week and a half away

sunshine - glorious sunshine

walks at the beach

fresh garden veggies for dinners

groceries in my fridge

texting

pretty dresses

slow change...

my pumpkin is changing

slowly...

getting bigger and rounder

and now that i have put him right side up

the yellow flat side is

fading and becoming round and green.

by autumn the pumpkin

will have turned a brilliant orange

and it will be hard for us

to remember what it looked like

way early this summer

as a bright yellow flower.

i am changing slowly too

figuring out how to live in this new body of mine.

i wish i could say "new and improved"

but that isn't the case.

more like

new and cantankerous

sensitive, moody,

prone to outbursts of random nonsense

but

this is my reality

and i am adjusting

to the fact that

pain and frustration and illogical reactions

are the way it is going to be for a while longer.

i don't like it much at all

but i know that i need to care for myself

both the easy and the hard parts

and i know that i need to make allowances for myself

but not too many.

every bite or sip i put into my mouth is either going to

agree with me or not, regardless of what it is or isn't

and i find myself whispering

"please be nice to me today..please"

because i think whispering is kinder than yelling.

i am trying to figure out how to manage this body of mine

without it spilling over and affecting everyone else in my family

and that is tricky.

gideon notices that my dinner plate is often empty and this worries him.

hannah has almost stopped asking how i am feeling becuase she just doesn't want to hear the answer.

owen tells me often that he wishes more than anything to be able to help me feel better.

living with a chronic condition

that i never really thought was going to be chronic

is way tougher than i thought

and i have a stronger sense of admiration for the people who

battle for years with illnessess that don't go away.

and so like my pumpkin

(which i think is so great!)

 i am changing

coming to terms with this body of mine.

(that has only taken 15 months!)

i am fortunate to have lots of sunshiny days

mixed in with the gray and barren ones...

perpetual summer mixed in with a seemingly long winter.



it was a two friend day...(but only a photo of one)

She is a friend of mind.

She gather me, man.

The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order.

It's good, you know,

 when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.
-Toni Morrison-

(thank you my two favorite K's)

two things

this little person brought so much joy and sweetness and love

to my house for the past two weeks...

i am going to miss her!

and

 HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!

have a weekend that amazes you!

a little bit...

i had a little bit of sugar today

not too much..just a few pumps

in a grande shaken green tea at sbux...

but a little bit is all it takes...

now i want a whole lot more than a little bit.

a little bit of grumbling

seems to grow into a whole lot of complaining

and a little bit of doing nothing

soon becomes a great big bunch of lazy.

a little bit of dreaming can become a catapult of new beginnings

and a little bit of forgiveness can soon crack wide open

and spill all over with goodness and grace.

a little bit of seeds can transform a barren patch of dirt

and a littel bit of bubbles can make for a very happy day.

a little bit of giggles can become a full body belly laugh

and a little bit of kissing can lead to a whole lot of love.

i think i need to make sure i  pick the right little bit...



bounty

daily suprise visits from Kristin

fresh fruit in abundance blended into delicious smoothies

vases full of purple flowers

kisses and hugs

peas from the garden

conversations

my life is very full!



prickly thorns

i have been treating myself poorly these past few days..

prickly thoughts to myself and unkind words about myself to my family

and i am noticing that when

i speak and think unkindly towards myself

i become prickly to the people around me...

the ones that are closest to me at least...

i figure that when i become aware of a problem

it must be getting pretty bad because i don't know about you

but i tend to live in a bit of denial about who i truly am.

so,

i have become aware of the negative self thought

and self talk and that it is spilling over into my home life.

and also i am becoming  aware of the fact that i am actually

being a bit of a pill to my dear husband.

so,

i have decided to pay attention to my wise self

who is telling me to

be gentle, and loving, and graceful

and forgiving

towards myself.

i am trying to listen to my wise self

who is telling me

that i hurt more than myself when

i berate myself, or devalue myself

i am hurting those whom i love very much

and those who love me very much.

i am going to work hard

at stripping the prickles from my self talk

and instead

think gently about who i am.

i have a quote beside my computer that says

"only speak words that make souls stronger"

and i try hard to practice this with those around me

but i haven't been practicing it with myself at all.

so today

i am starting again.

today

i am telling myself that i am an alright person.

i am pretty good at my job..

and i am great at juggling the demands of my life

i also take a decent photo

and i can keep my white couch pretty white!

there.

that's enough

without making me feel uncomfortable!

be kind to yourself today dear readers!

(and no, i don't know why there is a wierd square in the photo.)

thinking outside the box..

i learn alot from the little people i spend my days with.

and in particular this little miss challenges me

almost daily with her out of the box thinking.

can you tell by this photo that we are colouring?

yea, we are.

well the rest of us at least.

she turned the round crayons into thrones for her princesses.

we were happily colouring

and all of a sudden she lines up the crayons,

gets this "look"in her eye and announces to anyone who will listen,

which is often me,

that she NEEDS the princesses...

so off she runs into the house and returns

sets them upon their thrones and happily spends a good long time.

we happily coloured right beside her.

this is not an unusual occurance..

lacing cards in the shapes of animals become fish being dragged

up to the imaginary boat,

anything that holds water becomes a tea party

and i am privilidged to always be invited.

sometimes, honestly this creative, make something different

than all the rest

can be challenging.

sometimes i just want her to do what everyone else is doing.

then i stop myself and remember

that

1. that's not how it works at my place so why is this bugging me

and

2. creative play is vital to so many other parts of our lives so i should be celebrating

all of this pondering about a three year old somehow trickles up into my thinking

and i start wondering about myself and the rules or expectations

i place on myself and my family.

do the things we do make sense?

do they need to always make sense?

if i trust a 3 year old to know what is best for her

(and i do believe when it comes to play choices, she absolutly knows best!)

why don't i allow my teenagers or myself the same trust?

we don't have alot of rules in our house

and most of them make sense

and aren't based out of fear or convenience for me

(which honestly is probably why it can be frustrating when Maddy wants to do something

completly different all the time- convenience for me)

but there is this one rule...

 no one is allowed to go to Thetis Lake

this is just the way it has always been and

the boys never challenged me.

Caleb, curiously enough, didn't start going until after he moved out?!

this summer

there have been numerous attempts to have me change my rule.

and i have.

today!

today i reilized that my children are not going to behave

differently at Thetis than they are at Langford Lake

and if i am concerned about their behaviour

location isn't the biggest problem.

so the ban is lifted!

they are pretty pleased:)

today.

"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.  When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever;  in its place is something that you have left behind... let it be something good." -author unknown-