Monday, August 15, 2011

slow change...

my pumpkin is changing
getting bigger and rounder
and now that i have put him right side up
the yellow flat side is
fading and becoming round and green.
by autumn the pumpkin
will have turned a brilliant orange
and it will be hard for us
to remember what it looked like
way early this summer
as a bright yellow flower.

i am changing slowly too
figuring out how to live in this new body of mine.
i wish i could say "new and improved"
but that isn't the case.
more like
new and cantankerous
sensitive, moody,
prone to outbursts of random nonsense
this is my reality
and i am adjusting
to the fact that
pain and frustration and illogical reactions
are the way it is going to be for a while longer.
i don't like it much at all
but i know that i need to care for myself
both the easy and the hard parts
and i know that i need to make allowances for myself
but not too many.
every bite or sip i put into my mouth is either going to
agree with me or not, regardless of what it is or isn't
and i find myself whispering
"please be nice to me today..please"
because i think whispering is kinder than yelling.
i am trying to figure out how to manage this body of mine
without it spilling over and affecting everyone else in my family
and that is tricky.
gideon notices that my dinner plate is often empty and this worries him.
hannah has almost stopped asking how i am feeling becuase she just doesn't want to hear the answer.
owen tells me often that he wishes more than anything to be able to help me feel better.
living with a chronic condition
that i never really thought was going to be chronic
is way tougher than i thought
and i have a stronger sense of admiration for the people who
battle for years with illnessess that don't go away.
and so like my pumpkin
(which i think is so great!)
 i am changing
coming to terms with this body of mine.
(that has only taken 15 months!)

i am fortunate to have lots of sunshiny days
mixed in with the gray and barren ones...
perpetual summer mixed in with a seemingly long winter.

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