slow change...

my pumpkin is changing

slowly...

getting bigger and rounder

and now that i have put him right side up

the yellow flat side is

fading and becoming round and green.

by autumn the pumpkin

will have turned a brilliant orange

and it will be hard for us

to remember what it looked like

way early this summer

as a bright yellow flower.

i am changing slowly too

figuring out how to live in this new body of mine.

i wish i could say "new and improved"

but that isn't the case.

more like

new and cantankerous

sensitive, moody,

prone to outbursts of random nonsense

but

this is my reality

and i am adjusting

to the fact that

pain and frustration and illogical reactions

are the way it is going to be for a while longer.

i don't like it much at all

but i know that i need to care for myself

both the easy and the hard parts

and i know that i need to make allowances for myself

but not too many.

every bite or sip i put into my mouth is either going to

agree with me or not, regardless of what it is or isn't

and i find myself whispering

"please be nice to me today..please"

because i think whispering is kinder than yelling.

i am trying to figure out how to manage this body of mine

without it spilling over and affecting everyone else in my family

and that is tricky.

gideon notices that my dinner plate is often empty and this worries him.

hannah has almost stopped asking how i am feeling becuase she just doesn't want to hear the answer.

owen tells me often that he wishes more than anything to be able to help me feel better.

living with a chronic condition

that i never really thought was going to be chronic

is way tougher than i thought

and i have a stronger sense of admiration for the people who

battle for years with illnessess that don't go away.

and so like my pumpkin

(which i think is so great!)

 i am changing

coming to terms with this body of mine.

(that has only taken 15 months!)

i am fortunate to have lots of sunshiny days

mixed in with the gray and barren ones...

perpetual summer mixed in with a seemingly long winter.