finding my rhythm

i am on holidays in ontario

to celebrate

(and decorate and photograph)

the wedding of owen's sister becky.

there are lots of us staying at John's parents farm house

 here in rural ontario.

it is hot and clear

and there are crickets and chickens and peacocks

and fields of corn and a babbling creek

we are sleeping in bedrooms that once belonged to

children and have treasures still on the walls and sitting on shelves.

the kitchen is crowded and full of many conversations

and lists of wedding plans are found

everywhere

and in the middle of this

i am finding out

alot about myself

and how to find my rhythm.

rubbing shoulders with beloved family members

is a sure way to feel connected.

yet,

sitting outside alone

is also a sure way to feel connected

there is a balance between coming together

and being apart

i felt awkward this morning when i really

wanted to be alone

for just a few moments

but once i allowed that to happen

i reilized that i had so much more to give

when we were all together again.

i am seeing

that i need a balance

of outside and inside

together and apart

just owen and i

just hannah and i

just i.

for some people i think it is easy to do what you need to do.

but for me,

as someone who is always observing and registering

the moods and needs

 and feelings of those around me

i am unable to sometimes think

 about what i need

what is it that helps me balance my day?

without the distractions of work and home,

vacations can show us who we really are

underneath the busyness.

i am discovering a me that i didn't know existed

and i think i like her.