friday. rainy friday.

April 1, 2011

Dear Suzy,

Is accountability the sister to rituals?

I know that a lack of accountability is probably a dangerous thing.

mmmm, maybe dangerous is too strong a word. I think that we need to be accountable to someone.

but who? who do we trust with that?

right now in my life, it is no secret that i am struggling.

probably the depth of my struggle isn't truly out in the open (well until now..lol...)

but it is not hard for people to figure out that my life has held alot of change this year.

and i think that rituals and accountability fit in to my life pretty significantly.

the rituals i have down pat. i must say though, that i have totally slipped up on the self care aspects of my day. i noticed that when i wrote the post.

i am not taking care.

i am not in balance right now.

i am not wearing the "tight pants"

and let me tell you, when i go to put them on,

they are not going to fit...

so that is a ritual i need to reestablish.

taking care of my heart. my self.

remembering that i am valuable and worthwhile.

i have already forgotten.

how did that happen so quick..it was only a few months back that i was

rockin' the self love.

i reilized this was missing again last night.

when the accountability piece came up.

owen is my accountability partner.

and he holds me to a much gentler standard than i hold myself

and he doesn't have to do it very often

but when we have that conversation

the one where he speaks out of love and concern

i shut down.

more so than i think possible

and i cry hot tears and i hear only what i want to hear

and i crumple into a tiny heap of nothingness...

so that is a good indicator that something is not well.

you mentioned that you are only acountable to yourself.

and i wonder if that is actually true?

i don't think there should be alot of people we are accountable to, but there should be some.

i should be accountable first to God, to myself, to owen, to my family i think and what about my closest and dearest? what about my daycare parents? where does it stop? who are we accountable to and who are we not? knowing me I have it all mixed up and backwards and out of balance. I probably feel accountable to people I shouldn't and am not accountable where I should be.

so,

what do i know for sure this first friday of april?

i know that i am loved by my husband.

i know that i am out of balance again and need to figure that out

i know that the garden is going to be full of beauty soon and this rain is helping with that miracle

i know that small people feed your soul but they also depleat it and care is needed

i know that when i am ready, there are people ready to support me

i know that fear creeps up quickly if we are not careful

i know that i am fierce in my determination

i know that gratitude is the only way to joy.

and i know that even though this post is rambling and gramatically a nightmare i feel a bit better having shared with you today.

thanks for listening.

love ya,