Wednesday, March 21, 2012

living close to the tears

-canvas in process by hannah-

learning to be the parent of a teenager
is a process.
a process that is long in the making
and never over. never a journey completed.
(at least until they get all grown up)

it reminds me some days of becoming a mama for the first time
and living so close to the edge of tears.
tears of wonder and gratitude and blessing
but also of
exhaustion and concern over this and that.
tears that arrive out of the blue or after a long spell of
"nothing is working to settle her down, why won't she stop crying"

there are days when i do it well.
days when i keep my own patterns and responses
under wrap for the betterment of all of us.
days when laughter rings through the rooms
and i am able to stand strong in myself, seperate from the emotional
roller coaster of adolescence.

 there are days,
where the  utter lack of normalacy get to me.
the caregiving feels intense and consumes all of me.
i shouldn't and don't really expect anything less during this time
the hormones and brain waves are having a messy party inside
of them.
i wouldn't expect a newborn to have control
and let's face it,
a teenager has a lot of rapid grown development going on too.

similar to having a new baby,
similar to walking through a lost love
similar to a hangover after a night of too much emotion

those are the days when i am not living close to the tears.
i am in tears.

tears over the simplest of dilemna's
or as a response to the sharpness in the words.

"toughen up", "don't take things so seriously"
i hear.
but i do.  i do.
i notice each edge in the words, hardness in the eyes, frowns on the face,s
silence in the room.
and it keeps me close to the tears
let's face it,
it's been 40 some years and i am still easily wounded.
"overly sensitive" some might say.
i still love deeply and fully and throw myself head and heart first
into those i am closest too.
this is who i am.
 navigating and loving four teenagers ,
now just two,
hasn't hardened my heart, nor dried up my flow of tears.
i haven't "gotten used to them"
because every one is complex and unique and beautiful and full of so much potential
that i can't and i won't disengage
even if it did mean less tears.
less stress. less confusion. less "toughen up" gremlins telling me how to do it.

i intend to live my life close to the edge of tears,
because that is honouring of who i am
and allows me to be here. right here.
so i don't miss a step.

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