connections...

i am husbandless this long weekend-

  owen is in Uculet salmon fishing

with a friend...

and i am noticing his absence.

in a good way.

i adore my husband and we are pretty much joined at the hip 

other than during work hours

and my life is very closly bound together

with my role as wife and mother.

hmmm...the word "role" worries me...

it doesn't sound like how i feel...

the joy, the privilidge, the responsibility, the choice

(hopefully you know what i mean)

and this leaves me with very little time or energy or

more honestly,

desire to broaden my connections.

it seems that each year, each month even

i become more of an introvert -

and i wonder if that is truly who i am

or if i am short changing myself by keeping to myself.

 i need to remember that while the internet can satisfy my need to immerse myself

in visual eye-candy, inspiring blogs and wonderful projects and ideas

those temporal experiences

are not anything more than that -

temporary.

building strong connections with a few choice people,

making my own experiences and art

taking time for tea

and actually being in the presence of another kindred spirit

is a connection that is lasting.

tonight i am spending time with an old friend

(20+ years...we haven't been in touch for forever)

and last night i sat on a bench

and connected with a friend and former co-worker

tomorrow i will be surrounded by my family again

and owen returns home.

the connecting i have done while he has been away

will allow me to have stories and experiences to share with him -

and he with me

and our connection will deepen

(this blog post is a little bit all over the place in what i am trying to say...as always, i just type from the heart and what gets put down, gets put down...i apologize to all of you who prefer a carefully crafted reading experience...it won't be found here)

life.

"there are two ways to live your life. one is as though nothing

is a miracle.

the other is as though everything is a miracle."

-Albert Einstein-

why do i worry...

why do i fret?

why do i doubt myself and my abilities that i know i possess.

(and for which i am very grateful)

it is curious to me that i am so quick

to call in the doubter that lives in my head

rather than the cheerleader who lives,

well somewhere...

i spend my days in the (mostly) delightful company

of young children

who

have the freedom to live out their days

delighting in the simple pleasures of life

and exploring with great confidence

the new abilities they have.

rarely do i hear "i can't do it..."

and when i do,

it soon becomes a triumphant

"look Tania - I did it myself!"

of course they did.

we are all able to choose to live in that triumphant place

or we can choose to fret and worry and doubt.

i need to work on this.

tiny gestures...

i am thinking alot about the power of tiny gestures

of consideration and thoughtfulness.

i am trying to practice both

on a daily basis with my family,

my families i work with, my friends and

somedays

with strangers.

it looks like this -

specific, intentional words or actions that i think

will bring encouragement, joy, support or just plain fun

to someone else's day.

tiny gestures are easy becuase they don't allow fo me to get all caught

up in doing so much!

i have struggled in the past with wanting to do it all for everyone

and this past year has been a journey for me

of letting that go.

i am now very content to practice simple acts of kindness

and to accept my limitations.

practically speaking,

i like to plan ahead for these daily moments-

so when i am out i might see something small

that i imagine a specific person might love

and i will pick it up and tuck it away,

or i keep my box of cards and stamps right handy

so it only takes a few minutes to write a card.

facebook has its issues but it also is an easy way to stay connected

quickly and frequently with those i love.

little love notes on stickys to my family

or a quick batch of ice cream or cookies goes along way

to filling someone's love tank.

i guess

this is just my little practice of

making myself happy

and it happens to bless others at the same time.

this day...

i am grateful for extra hands and hearts

i delight in a warm cup of tea

i was suprised by a welcome visitor at the perfect, they have all just fallen asleep time

i wished for less wind and more sunshine

i anticipate the end of a long week for my dear owen

i savoured a yummy lunch

i feel my children's love for me

i love the warmth of a hand made afghan

i gaze at my beatiful photography magazine just waiting for time to be explored

i successfully finish my last assignment and prepare for my exam

i tidy up the never ending trail of toddler play

i stretch my aching muscles and tell my body that i want to be friends

i miss the people in my heart who live far away

i feel satisfied that my life is making a small differerence somewhere

that is what this day

looks like

to me.

there are moments...

there are moments when i am so proud.

and there are moments when i shake my head

and wonder.

this is not one of those moments.

this is the i am so proud moment.

the moment when your heart swells a bit

and you sigh a tiny little sigh of relief

that something, anything

you taught and modelled and prayed for and bargained for

and was quite sure was lost forever

comes bubbling to the surface.

i am proud of this girl -

her dignity, her grace, her honesty, her ability to process

her willingness to be honest with herself, her care of others despite her pain,

her understanding of just what she needs

and her thoughtfulness at not dumping all her hurt and anger

at my feet, or on my head or anywhere else for that matter.

she is

making me proud.

and i

am honoured to be her mama.

now- no boys for a while please!!

a broken heart

we are suffering a broken heart in our house

and it is almost as hard

on this mama to watch

as it is for her to heal.

lots of serious girl time this week

and that is a good thing.

fear.

Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin,

 and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.

  ~Brendan Francis

a joyful weekend looks like this!

and includes -

shopping with Hannah

sleeping in

homemade ice tea

family adventures high up in the trees

sprinklers in the garden

laughter- so much laughter

watching football with Thaddeus and Aaron

anticipaton of time with Owen

making homemade yogurt and almond milk

a clean house

bouquets of flowers from the garden

wearing my new necklace

planning our trip to Ontario

being inspired by the people around me

fresh raspberries

mailing a package to miss vayda

i love the weekend!

wise words from my bubble container..

amazing grace

(the name of the bubbles)

life is a classroom.

we are both student and teacher.

each day is a test.

and each day we receive a passing or failing grade in one particular subject:

grace.

grace is compassion,

gratitude,

surrender,

faith,

 forgiveness, good manners

reverence,

and the list goes on.

it's something money can't buy

and credentials rarely produce.

being the smartest,

the prettiest,

the most talented,

the richest,

or even the poorest can't help.

being a humble person

can.

and being a helpful person

can guide you through

your days

with grace and gratitude.

(how could i not buy such an inspiring bottle of bubble bath?)

Happy Friday

filling up the empty vessel..

so,

in an attempt to take better care of myself

and to practice self care

i made a list of "items" that make me happy.

i tend to feel happiest in nature-

but there are some material items that can

work wonders to boost my "happiness" meter

so

in no particular order here they are:

being warm

sweet smelling flowers

matching underwear sets

bracelets

curly-curly hair

painted toes

luxurious bubble baths

new magazines

photographs

 glasswear

(as in the drinking out of kind)

vanilla candles

tea

owen wearing gray

mailing letters

socks - attractive and warm!

words

beauty and happiness...

i am in love with owen's iphone.

in love with the hipstimatic camera app he downloaded for me.

so in love,

that he has taken to leaving the camera (which is what i call his phone)

with me during the day

so that i can carry it around in my pocket

capturing beauty and happiness.

each image is a little celebration- capturing a moment that will never

come to us again.

almost like a birthday party every single day!

little snipets of people (especially little people)

and their lovely lives and selves!

the photos shout to me -

"hey! i was here and i am beautiful and marvelous and wonderful"

taking these photos helps me to invite beauty and happiness into my life.

it is a simple act of going out and seeking light and beauty

it is everywhere...there is beauty everywhere i look

even in what sometimes appears to not be so wonderful.

a hard moment, a dark corner, a tired face, a dying flower...

look closely and slowly and you will see...

beauty.

and the great thing about this little black box in my pocket is the

instant delight i feel when i see that photo all beautiful and edgy looking back at me.

i can't wait to share one on my blog, or email one to someone or just look at them

in the evening after a very long day

and marvel

marvel at the beauty and happiness that i am surrounded by

in my little life.

(are her fingers not beautiful? and look at how hard she is working!)

so...

so if i am going to practice forgiveness

by forgiving others without judgement

or holding back

freely, gracefully and with an open heart

BUT

i am not willing to do that for myself

that seems to be self defeating.

i need to be able to extend the same

grace and love and respect and second chances

to myself

first...

otherwise,

am i truly walking in forgiveness or just talking about it

and making it sound all good to me on the surface.

i need to practice treating myself with the same love and genuine grace

that i extend to others right?

right?

so,

i am going to work very hard at listening to

my wise gentle self rather than my harsh condeming self

and let stuff go!

just let it go...whoosh...off it goes...

forgive

accept the forgiveness

repeat

forgive

accept the forgiveness

repeat

eventually i shall get it!

blessings to you...

may your life be like a

wildflower,

growing freely in the

beauty

and joy of each day

-Native American proverb-

forgiveness

for some reason today i have been pondering forgiveness.

and i am sure of this...

i am grateful for the power that forgiveness brings to our lives.

it isn't easy and it tends to be complicated

and it can get all emotional messy

and it is much harder to extend forgiveness to myself than to others

and it is very difficult for me to accept the forgiveness of others

however,

despite all the challenges...

i know, that i know, that i know

that forgiveness works.

for me.

it works when i extend forgiveness to others

because there is a freeing up of space in my heart

and my life for all the goodness that is waiting to pour in.

when i forgive others,

i can move forward in my life

becoming and creating and growing.

each time i look back on my life

i see crossroads

where i had the choice to let go- or hold on

and always, always, letting go

no matter how gut wrenching and terrifying it was at the moment

was the right choice.

letting go of others and their choices and actions

the hurt and the betrayals

letting go of the unkind words and thoughts they held towards me

letting go and forgiving

allows me to become one little baby step closer to who i am so excited to become!

loving right now!

the amazing purple lavender blooming at the Goldstream Ave. Starbucks

a weeks worth of meals in my freezer after a morning of cooking

kim and mike have a candy drawer stocked up for renovation energy!

the amazing green that surrounds us everywhere thanks to all the rain

a quiet afternoon with a magazine

almond milk making

feeling really great about how well my Thursday/Friday went

Hipstimatic camera love

Really, really sticky bandaids that don't fall off easily

My online photo class that I am taking is super fun and fills my inbox with cheerful inspiration

a new gray sweater

Plane tickets to the wedding are paid!

friday.sweet.friday

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.

 Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”~ Albert Schweitzer ...

on this rainy Friday,

after a long week

i am grateful for you...

each of you who love me and care for me

and hear what my heart is saying

who journey with me

and encourage me

by your amazing lives

to be a better person

than i am today.

thank you

and have a wonderful weekend

celebrating all the gifts we are given!

checking my balance...

.

when Suzy and i started this blog

alot of my personal focus was on finding a balance in my life

a balance between work and parenting

a balance between work and health

a balance between marriage and parenting

a balance between pretty much everything.

i did some good work

i dedicated my sunday afternoons to art and spending time with a dear friend

owen and i had date nights

the kids and i adjusted to me working at home and what that looks like

(it doesn't look pretty most days truth be told)

and i was learning to manage my health and come to terms with that.

and then something happened

and somehow,

like a stretched out elastic band

i fell out of balance

and snapped back into

extemes.

honestly,

when i am out of balance,

it can be pretty ugly.

i become a martyr

and slightly impatient

and i tend to make a big deal about everything

and

most annoyingly to my family

i start to repeat everything!

as if they can't hear me just because i am freaking out!

so,

i am checking my balance again- looking to see

not so much where i went wrong because there isn't much point

in looking backwards.

but i am trying to figure out how to re establish

some balance

especially in the area of

self- care...

that dreaded word that some of us hate,

some of us love

and some of us are coming to terms with as being life saving.

so-

ideas please?

remember the following:

i work alot so my evenings are short

i can't eat much of anything good so food is depressing

i am exhausted - so exercise is, well, tricky...

i am an introvert (this is new to me)

i sound like i am complaining

but i am not

just being realistic and honest...

waht do you do for self care?

heart stretching...

 

i have noticed

that when my heart is stretching to make room

for new relationships and love

that it often hurts -

there is a shifting that is taking place-

i am missing my dear Vayda very much

yet i am also full of love

for the newest little ones in my life

my heart is growing

and healing

and sometimes that can be painful

last night

i shed hot tears as i thought of my sweet little friend

and i marveled

at how in three short years

she has become such a part of my

very heartbeat

and missing her is hard.

i also love

love

that there are new small ones

exploring and toddling around my garden

and their love and acceptance

of me

is filling up my heart spaces-

there is always more room to give love and to receive love

and i love that!



grateful thoughts right now!

 

the weather is way nicer than predicted

hannah is so great with the daycare kids

the sweet peas are blooming

my lunch tasted pretty good

water with lemon in abundance

paid!

kisses and hugs are heart filling when genuine and spontaneously given

the sky is beautiful summer blue with white clouds floating by

tonight i am going to drink ice-tea with my sweetie

the rose is blooming magnificantly

there are tomatoes on my tomatoe plant!!

new paintings on the wall make me happy

i slept last night...so thankful!

we are going to make almond milk tonight...i have missed almond milk

i feel good about how today is going

feeling fragile...

 

change is coming

little mr.t hurt himself this morning

it's monday

prednisone doesn't let me sleep

tea just isn't cutting it today

the weather is moody

hannah has a boyfriend

caleb lives all the way across town again

summer is speeding by

i am missing the "old" tania these days

i am feeling fragile.

good thing

i am tough as nails deep down inside!

Sunday loves...

i discovered this photo project...

http://www.themakersproject.com

and this photo...

and many more, and i just wanted to share the love.

if you have some time look through her projects and be amazed!

there are so many creative, hard working inspiring people in our world- sometimes we forget

i think-

that we can do whatever we dream of doing

and whatever we happen to be doing- we can make it a dream

 by putting our heart

and soul into every moment of our work day.

simple Saturday

Many things grow in the garden that were never sown there. 

~Thomas Fuller

Listening to Carter

 

this dear boy has the most amazing eyes.

you can't see them in this photo

and a photo doesn't even do them justice.

they are dark and deep and wide

and when he looks at you

deeply

you stop.

you stop whatever you are doing

and gaze back at him

and listen.

listen to the love and the trust and the hope

and the questions and the hurt

and the fear and the confusion

and you hear all of it

without him even saying a word.

this boy doesn't talk much at all

and when he does,

it might be mixed in with a sandcastle building

or a hulahoop twirling

or a stomp-stomp stomping.

he might be whispering love while painting

he might be complaining bitterly while running-

he might be inviting you into his world

while twirling and counting and looking.

he might be asking for reassurance when he buries his head into your belly

i am learning to listen.

Learing to hear the many languages he speaks.

and

it is exhausting and hard and requires a deep level of listening

that doesn't come naturally.

some days it doesn't come easy

and i forget to listen

other days i remember

the lessons i am learning from him

and i hear so much!



the sweet scents of summer...

peonies

fresh basil

lemon slices in water

rose gardens

citronella candles

campfires

watermelon

freshly mowed grass

bbq steak

herb gardens as you brush your hand on the plants while walking by

oceans

i love summer. what is your favorite summer scent?

you should try and experience it today!

storing up treasures

ten years ago,

which seems like just yesterday

but also

a life time ago

there was alot of turmoil going on in my life

and of course,

people had things to say

because it seems that we humans are sometimes

unable to be quiet in the midst of turmoil

so we add comments and advice and accusations

and words of wisdom or whatever else we

feel we should say to make

usually ourselves feel better

 but sometimes the person who is in the middle of the mess as well.

so ten years ago someone had some pretty judgemental things to say to me.

and i listened.

and i carried those words with me

every single day.

they were pretty deeply buried

but there non the less

and would pop up and rear their ugly head

at the strangest times- incovenient times

sad times, lonely times, times of change and courage needing times.

until 2 weekends ago.

when

at a simple chance meeting at a coffee shop

 someone who didn't say those burden heavy words

was able to say different words-

and all the judgement went away.

i actually felt lighter, freer, liberated and so much better!

since then, i am deliberately making an effort

to let go of what is not mine.

to let go of the words and expectations that are put on me-

let go of the guilt i carry

and i am making room

in my heart and life

to store up treasures that are going to be life affirming

rather than guilt producing.

the canning jars in the photo are from a booth at the Saturday Moss St. Market.

i was in blissful hippy land for a wonderful morning

the same day that i had the random coffee shop weight loss experience!

it was a very.very.good day!