Tuesday, February 28, 2012

a dance of holding on and letting go...

love is a dance of holding on and letting go
constantly changing and becoming more and sometimes less
than i ever could ever dream in my wildest imagination.

i have  a very active imagination. one that needs to be reigned in come bedtime or there is
very little sleep.
an imagination that didn't let me sleep without the light on until i was shamefully too old for such comfort.

and even with all that ability to imagine
i never imagined this.

loving someone else completly looks nothing like what i imagined.
or read about.
or witnessed in other people.
it is completly a solitary journey between two people.
the person loving and the person being loved
and the roles reverse so quickly.
one moment i am doing the loving and suddenly
awash with awe, i reilize i am being loved.

that's the holding on part.
the "i choose to love you no matter what"
that i say with a ferociousness and belief that it is true.

the letting go dance of love is tricky
and being i am not a dancer learning the steps requires practice and patience.
and i am abundantly showered with opportunity in both those areas.

loving someone, a child, a friend, a partner,
someones who is as much a part of you as one can imagine
is divine.
reilizing they are as different from you as,
oh, i don't know,
insert some great paradox here,
well, that part of love is the part i didn't imagine.
 the reality i still can't wrap my head around.

this for me,
comes up in my mother-child relationships.
this is the journey i am on.
and there is no easy remedy.
constantly, day after day, there is a new understanding,
an unveiling of the stark differences between myself and my beloved children.
how did they become them?
when i was sure i was raising them to be just like me?

that's the ego in the journey isn't it.
i wanted them to become like me i guess.
and they didn't and they don't
and they are their own fabulous people
and yes, i played an important role,
but really,
love isn't about raising them to be me
love is about allowing them to be them.

this is incomplete.
these thoughts are jumbled and raw and in process today. and yesterday. and tomorrow too.

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