Tuesday, April 24, 2012

freeing up wiggle room

the unravelling continues
and i am becoming increasingly aware of the gifts of vulnerability.
the whisper i breathed outloud in the restaurant
has freed up wiggle room in my heart.

being able to speak truthfully
and not have the world crumble at my feet
allows me to continue forward and face my story with bravery and firm footing.
in just a few days time,
i have gone from a whispered confession of
"it wasn't a happy day"
to a humble
"my birthday is sad for me. i am changing that"
but i am able to say it clearly, without shame to anyone who might inquire.

my empathy for my birth mother continues to overwhelm me at the most inopportune times;
this of course, keeps me humble.
not being in control of my emotions all the time cements in me the reminder that vulnerability and fragility are the foundations of strength
when i am willing to follow them through and receive the gifts that are waiting.
and the lessons.
(there seem to be a lot of lessons here.)
i feel stronger even though i am raw and tender.
i can imaging myself at peace with where i came from
and i am able to translate some of my emotions and awareness into concrete activity and words.

with my birthday taking center stage these days,
i neglected to call and rebook my treatment date until yesterday.
they seem eager to see me and i am going in a few hours..
this does not thrill me at all.
and like my resistance to celebrating my birthday
i feel a resistance to going.
i am freshly reminded that strong resistance on my part usually means
 something is going on below the surface
(and perhaps it means that for everyone)
so i am sitting waiting to find out what is happening in my head and my heart.

there is so much love and support that flows into my life and i am so grateful for the blog comments, the emails and the facebook comments from you, my friends.

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