leaning in.

"Lean into the sharp points and fully experience them.

The essence of bravery is being without self-deception."

those words sum up pretty perfectly what has been going on for me this past week and particularly on Saturday.

i have been compelled to sit with the grief i am feeling this year for my birth mother and the newly discovered  emotions i have about the day of my birth.

 Saturday night i sat across from Owen, desperately trying not to burst into full on sobs

(we were out in public) as he gently pushed me on the subject of not celebrating my birthday  this year  i felt my strong resistance rising to the surface again, i knew there was more going on than the

" i'm too tired to do anything" reason that i have been using heavily this year.

there was a new awareness and when i was finally able to recognize and articulate and accept it,

my heart found room to breath again.

i continue to be amazed at how hard it can be to speak out our raw emotions.it is a fight. i become silent and quivery and my body does this dance of denial. i shift in my seat and feel hot tears under my eyelids and i know in my heart exactly what it is i need to recognize and honour but i just don't want to.

this was what Saturday night looked like. and it didn't help that we were at the end of a trying week, and we were out in public and i was hungry and tired and full of unseen pain. non of those circumstances helped but they are not  reasons for me to igore my story and to lean into the emotions that come with.

i need to clarify here that growing up, i loved my birthday. i often celebrated with my brother as we have birthday's a week apart. celebration, cake, presents, balloons, love and joy were a constant source of delight on my special day. my family and friends made sure of that. i also love to celebrate other's birthdays..

i am not a hater of the birthday.

i love a good party. i can throw a pretty decent one i am told.

and there is nothing much better than presents tied up with pretty ribbon.

but as the years have gone on my birthday week has become a time of sadness for me

and this is the year that i lay it all to rest. this is the time in my life to face my birth story and make peace with it.

it's a lot of work. that i didn't expect. but i am grateful for.

and i share it here

because this is where i come to work out my days. and to honour them by putting words to the emotions.

my birthday was not a happy day.

there wasn't any rejoicing or celebrating.

family wasn't waiting to hold me and whisper love into my ears.

i spent my first days of life, swaddled in a basinette in a hospital

waiting.

(thanks for getting there as fast as you were allowed to mom and dad)

this reality breaks my heart.

this is what i sit with. i started my life alone.

and i know that i am the sort of person that needs to be held in the shelter of others.

i always have.

so, on saturday when i was able to whisper to owen

"my birthday wasn't a happy day. how can i celebrate that?"

we both looked at each other with tears in our eyes and resolved to change the story.

i think i have a plan

(and i love a good plan)

more tomorrow about that.

this is a slow unravelling of my heart going on here. patience is necessary with myself.