my thoughts turn to her.

- forget me nots -

i think of her  each year.

 the days leading up to and after my birthday.

and as i grow older,

instead of forgetting

i am

understanding what must have been unimaginable heartbreak

a bit better.

as i experience my own mother heartache

and remember my babies birth stories

and celebrate in the birth of a new family member today

i feel raw for her.

all these years later.

raw and achey and all jumbled up inside.

my birth mother was just a child really.

sixteen and sent to a maternity home in a different province

to spend her last few months of carrying me

in the company of strangers.

shamed. alone. oh so young

taught to knit but not how to grieve.

taught how to repent but not how to forgive herself i bet 

facing the thought, the inevitability of childbirth 

without any familiar love and support.

my heart breaks for her.

not for me.

i was chosen by a beloved family whom i call my own through and through

but i, as a mother,

know that one does not forget the child they bore.

one does not forget.

 time fades. yes. but forget?

no.

never.

and i grieve for a young girl.

 alone and vulnerable and scared

 asked or told to do what i can't image every having the courage to face.

to give up her child whom she carried so bravely for nine months.

so for this week and next

my thoughts turn to her

and i am grateful.