Tuesday, April 17, 2012

truth as i feel it today.

the truth for me today is that i cancelled my treatment appointment.
(insert heavy sigh or concerned intake of breath here)
i just really, really didn't want to go today.
i didn't want to have the iv in my arm and sit there for the 3 hours
and i didn't want to pretend that it doesn't bother me and i just didn't feel like making small talk with the others in the room.
i didn't want to feel all doopy from the allergy medication and sore from the remicade.
i already am sore.
(and somewhat doopy all the time)
so i cancelled.

that's my truth for today.

i am conflicted about this situation i find myself in.
i woke up this morning and could barely get out of bed.
i am flaring
but that i am sure is because i ate way too much good for you fiber yesterday.
it hurts.
i needed to not go today.
i can feel this deep within me.
i need to wait until i am mentally and heartfully able to participate in my treatment.
and that will be soon.
but it is not today. my heart is not there. and it was the last few times.
i will be there next week probably and back on schedule and this week will stretch my body more than i even know,
and i will be thankful to be filled with the pain numbing medication
and i will smile cheerfully and be so grateful for my caring nurse and i will feel empathy for the others in the room and we will make small talk and all will be well.

i know this to be true
but not today.
i just couldn't do it today.

this worries people close to me.
when i told owen and hannah that i was cancelling my appointment a few days ago,
owen had that careful look he gets when he is deciding the best course of action to take with me.
does he say what he is thinking or does he listen to me and then decide to speak or not.
and hannah, well she is a straight shooter when she has something on her mind
"don't you want to be well mom?" she shoots at me, with a look of
slight exasperation on her face.
i love these two anchors in my life.
they both keep me real.
but this time,
they accepted what i needed to do.
even if they don't understand me.

today i rest.
and i walk gingerly.
tomorrow i rebook my appointment.



  1. Having a sense of control {choosing} over what cannot actually be controlled {physical dis-ease} ... I totally get that. It is so amazing that you allowed yourself this choice. I sit with you today. Today as we accept what we need to do. For us. Because we can. ♥

  2. Love you, sister o mine.

  3. If laughter is good medicine, freedom must be, too!