january 20, 2012
sometimes i delight in the feeling that everyday feels like a Saturday and there is no sense of urgency to do much of anything. my daily rhythm is void of schedules and time demands. what doesn't happen toay can simply happen tomorrow. there is a great sense of freedom to this. and not alot of panic. But the flip side of such freedom is lack of motivation or direction. there is no longer any external stimuli pushing me along and i know for a fact that in the past i have been most motivated by others- their expectations, desires, needs etc. and suddenly i no longer have that as a driving force in my day.
no one here cares if i don't do my hair or get out of my pj's before noon. and there isn't any pressure at all to be brilliant in my daily offerings to the world. there isn't anyone arriving to check my daily work progress and certainly no one to motivate me in my activities.
nope. just me and i am finding that i fluctuate between being a tough, demanding task master or a sweet, laid back companion. (it must have something to do with the phases of the moon or some other unexplaiable force, this flip flopping i am engaging in)
i wonder. what would be the benefit of putting myself onto some sort of schedule? would my daily accomplishments bolster my self esteem and ensure i continued to derive my sense of worth and personal satisfactions from accomplishments that are visible to others?
or, perhaps i might continue this experiment, because that really is what my life feels like some days, a mad science experiment..lets see what happens if i eat a banana!?,
perhaps i will continue to watch what unfolds as my days flow like a winding river, never quite sure what is behind the next bend. imagine the freedom and maturity and the growth that could arrive when i reilize
that i, tania, am not what i do, but who i am.
regardless of schedule following abilites or people pleasing activities.
i imagine that if i allow this year to play itself out
(and by play i mean meaningful, open ended, pleasurable, organic activity)
i will find a productive, balanced, fully engaged, joyful woman
who has learned to quiet down the outer voices
and learned what she really sounds like.
( i keep a daily written journal..this is today's writings..i just felt like sharing)