with thanks...

 

my new specialist

whom i have a great amount of gratitude for

has spoken words

that for today

give hope.

 

he still talks super fast as all specialists seem to do

and stood at my bedside

rather than sitting and staying a while

(that is okay though)

i suppose they see so many

 patients

individuals each day that they have learned to be speedy

 

but each time he came to see me

even though i always had to wait a very long time

between visits,

he took just a moment to say hello, smile,

ask how i was

before

he began his doctor speak.

 

i appreciated him.

and the encouragement he gave to me.

 

he speaks of probiotics.

 

he speaks of eating real food!

 

 vegetables and fruit real food,

not just easy to tolerate  not so good for me low impact food

 

he speaks of managing stress.

he speaks of the disease being managed fully

and life resuming

 

(as long as i take care of myself and get strong again )

 

 

my time away from my family

my home

my journaling and collaging

has stirred up stuff.

 

tales from the bed

i think i shall call them.

 

 

 

 

i can't help but wonder...

 

last night we watched

Tangled

because

we are just that tired

and

it was easy to access

and occasionally

a Disney movie can be a distraction.

 

honestly

i get embarrassed at how easily i cry at any movie

so

when i watch a

movie that is meant for the under 10 set

and i am reduced to a pile of mush

well,

i just stop watching movies

mostly.

 

{sensitive much?}

 

anyhow,

last night i was impressed with myself.

the movie was a distraction but i wasn't totally immersed

because after all,

it is Disney

and I am 40 something

 and

I was having alot of fun

deconstructing

a beautiful magazine for my journal.

 

until the end.

the scene where the lost princess

is reunited with her mother and father

who haven't seen her since she was a baby

 

now,

I know that Disney is a master at manipulating emotions

and their doe eyed women are so well animated that

i can get sucked right in...

 

but it was more than that...

there was a "knowing" in the eyes of the mother

i could sense it...

{they did it well..that scene}

 

 

 she hadn't seen her child in 18 long years.

and there was an immediate connection

 

and i found myself

in tears,

briefly

 wondering

 

would it be like that?

would my birth mother look into my eyes and know that i was once hers

just that easily...

 

or is that just  the magic of Disney?

dance party

 

they had a dance party last night

to celebrate Owen

 and his upcoming birthday.

 

some of you

may have been to one of our dance parties

and know just how fun they can be

 

they involve

loud music

lots to drink and eat

people being carefree and loud

 

dance parties are freeing

 shaking  off the stressors and worries of the week

we sing along to owen's very ecclectic musical collection

 

last night the boys really cut loose

they all even put on dress shirts,

 popped their collars, undid their buttons

they let go of their self concious selves

for an hour or two 

sang and danced loud

celebrating with Owen

 showing him just how much they love his company.

 

this time

i noticed that they had a dance party

and i was a wallflower

kinda made me sad.

 

one day again soon

i hope

i will be squeezed into the living room dance floor

and dancing my cares away as well

grateful

 

 

for giant suflowers,

for owen,

for vayda,

 for the farm,

 for art journals,

 for sebastian

for hannah,

for you,

for so much more....

 

-giving thanks with a grateful heart-

 

 

 

 

 

ps...

 

 

yesterday,

i forgot to thank you for a few other things as well..

 

i think that i see colours more vibrantly

than i did before

 

and i notice the comfort of soft blankets and hot baths and the

warm grip of a mug of tea

 with an almost

 first love affection.

 

thank you for that.

 

i do wonder

 however

 why it is that whenever

i speak kindly of you,

 or to you,

(because sometimes i do talk to you, trying to soothe your torment)

well,

that conversation always seems to be followed by an

extreme testing of whether or not i was telling the truth

in what i said

(and i am...there isn't much room for lying here in this battle we are in)

 

since yesterday's post

i am in the midst of a most vicious flare

that just won't leave me alone.

and

 i woke up this morning with an absolute

unshakable sense of

loneliness.

you know the kind,

the loneliness that tricks you into thinking that nobody actually understands you

(or even cares)

 

it doesn't matter that this loneliness is not true

because for today my emotions have convinced me that it is.

and i struggle to breathe through the physical and emotional pain

that threatens to swallow me whole unless i keep my guard up.

 

and that

 dear illness

is something that i will not thank you for.

i will not thank you for the emotional roller coaster

chronic, constant, life sucking pain tries strap you into.

 

i don't even ride roller coasters in real life

and i have no interest in the mental one that i am currently on.

so,

 

i continue to say

thank you for the colour tweaking

and the truly remarkable life changing work that you are doing

 

but please

be gentle with me today.

and tomorrow-

i need a break from you.

 

 

an open letter to my illness...

 

dear you,

i want to thank you for

the changes that i have experienced since you joined me

3 (and some months) years ago.

 

i remember when we first met

i was quite sure that you wouldn't change me much.

we would learn to get along,

 my medications would work

and the whole "i can't eat anything without being in pain"

scenario would be temporary.

 

i remember that i was able to work

and continue to feel fulfilled in my busyness.

i remember being pretty thrilled with being

"skinny" and having all my clothes feel baggy.

 

i also remember

that i was still judgemental of others that were not

perhaps as "strong" as i was,

or at least thought i was.

and i remember i had pretty strong opinions

about natural health versus the medical community's way.

i remember being convinced

 that my life

 

was.not.going.to.change.thank.you.very.much.

 

that was then.

today i reilize that you have

actually come along side me and smoothed off my rough edges.

 

because of you,

your constant presence, pain, exhaustion and unwillingness to leave me

(and yes, it is constant these days)

 

i have become a softer person,

a kinder person,

a much less judgemental person.

my heart, my way of viewing myself and the world have changed

oh.so.much.

 

i have been learning that my worth does not come from what i do

but who i am.

i have discovered that my availabilty to others

 because i am not working

is a blessing.

a gift of time

is important

and wasn't there before.

i was just too busy to truly be present.

 

so this is the point in our relationship

where,

i need to give thanks.

be grateful for you.

 

(this is not a strange desire to remain sick.

it is a grateful in all circumstances choice that i am making

trust me,

i want my life back

 but am able to accept the gift this illness brings me.)

 

oh i know,

there have been many days and nights

where we have raged, where we have wept

and been terrified

by the pain and suffering you have brought

but in the safer hours,

the moments where i am able to see clearly

i see

goodness.

i see the work that is being done in me.

 

i see grace. i see understanding. i see humility.

i see an increase in faith.

 i see strength that i didn't know i had.

i see a new practice of living in the moment,

i see an openess to other ways of thinking and living.

i see time to love on others and be an encouragement.

i see trust.

 trust in something bigger than myself.

 

 

i also see the work that  still needs to happen

i see a need to care for myself more.

i see a fear of establishment and title that i need to overcome

i see avoidance and sometimes

a big huge case of

denial.

i see an unclear health plan for my

i see loss of trust in anything actually working

and thus,

a giving up of even trying to get well.

i see the need to choose wisely

 how i will spend my days

 because there is only so much

 energy left in me

 

 

i see the gifts but i also see the lessons

 

thank you

from the bottom of my little heart.

 

 

a witness to bravery today...

 

this blog post

 

i receiving a smile

 in Starbucks today

 from a woman who has not smiled at me in many years.

 

a quick, vulnerable, raw, needs no answer, just an ear

confession email from a friend today.

 

my girl being there

 for both her afternoon classes

even when every fiber of her being wanted not to be.

 

my hot tears this morning

 

a dear friend

 stating her truth about what her job does to her soul.

again, no answer needed..just an ear.

 

a friend allowing her birth story to unfold as it needed to

rather than as she dreamed it would

- such bravery shown there-

 

we are all so brave

in so many small ways all day long.

 

 

 

home.

 

i think it is the times we spend together

laughing and connecting

and reilizing that home is a great place to be.

 

i think it sweet  that we are a little community

here inside these walls and stretching farther

as we come and go.

 that is how Shawn described us last night

and i was touched.

truly.

 

 our home is a place of shelter, of love, of support, of openess and acceptance

 our home is a place where  you won't be turned away and you are always welcomed back.

 

our home is full and sometimes bursting

(we fit 12 all weekend long and yes, today i am resting)

it can be exhausting and stretching

yet,

i wouldn't trade what my life here looks like for anything else.

i adore full couches

and squished up dinner table meals

 

home is where we come to when we are weary and worn down

wrapped under blankets from generations past

there is safety here.

we work hard to ensure that is so.

 

i am grateful for my home today and all the people that make is so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

her question...

 

 

"when did life get so hard"

 

she asked out into her world

probably not expecting an answer

just looking for others to agree

that they wondered the same thing.

 

i lay awake for a long while last night

mulling her question over in my head

knowing that as close as we are,

as much as we share,

her struggle is still very much her own.

her journey.

her story.

 

i wanted to answer her but needed to wait.

needed to make peace with where her questions came from and what she would be able to hear.

i need to remember i am well into my life and need not rush her through hers.

she needs to sit with her questions as long as necessary

letting them soften and give way to the answer that speaks to her heart.

 

suprisingly,

this morning we spoke briefly of her queary

  i told her i was going to blog about it

she didn't protest

so here i am...

 

i think

 and this is just what my heart tells me

it is in no way a difinitive answer,

(because i don't believe there are many of those out there anymore)

 

i think that life gets hard when we reilize that our choices and others choices

impact lives greatly

sadly,

 she learned those lessons young

and when that is combined with a drying up of faith

life gets hard.

 

 

she agreed.

she said

"exactly"

and continued to put on her boots and gather up her school stuff

as though these conversations happen all the time.

(which they kinda do in our house)

 

 when i look at her life

i understand completly why she is struggling with the question of

"when did life get so hard"

 because for her

other people's choices have impacted her greatly.

and her choices have as well

and she takes responsiblitly very well for what is hers to own

but also recognizes what isn't and that is hard.

it is hard work to be self aware

at any age.

(this i know all too well)

and her faith has by her own admission,

 dried up and become a thin layer in her heart.

 

i get that

 

i don't judge

i don't panic

i don't preach

i don't worry

 

i understand

because i have been there

 

her question has of course

stirred up responsibility within me

my choices have influenced her life

and her ability to keep the faith.

i know this and i accept my contributions.

i also know that she is becoming the woman she is meant to be

by transforming some very challenging obstacles into launching boards

to a new way of living.

 

and that transformation,

as messy and painful as it is,

that is the grace that i depend on

working in my life, in her life, in your life.

the grace that leads to a refilling of faith and hope.

 

she needs hope to get through her day

hope and faith and determination

and a belief that while life is indeed very hard

she will be okay.

i trust she will find everything she needs

at exactly the right time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i

 

fragile

 

fragile happens to me

when i have forgotten.

i have been so busy loving on others and keeping my days filled to the brim

that i have forgotten

forgotten to remember me.

i have neglected the me

the girl that still has the tiny voice

whispering

"take time..take time"

 

i find it easy to love others

and i delight in the moments.

i wouldn't trade them for anything

yet

i need to also love on myself.

daily.

those moments of tea at starbucks,

the getting lost in the library moments

they are missed when i forget i love them

and need them.

 

we speak of self love

and i listen

to myself and others

 i listen well

but the words don't always sink in

it would seem.

 i will for a few days, or weeks even

take greater care

of my health

my heart

my soul

my mind

 

but then i let myself get squeezed out again

and i become

fragile.

 

today is a fragile day.

this is not a suprise to me

because while i may lack in consistent

self love

i am very self aware 

recognizing the patterns in my life..

 

weeks filled with love filled experiences

leaves little time for

self love.

 

today

i spent all morning in my journal

as this helps repair me

 

today

i listened to worship music and sang along

because despite not attending a house of worship

i have a rock solid love affair with my Jesus.

this repairs me.

 

today

i ignore the dishes, and the canner sitting on the stove

from my burst of energy yesterday, 

i don't worry about dinner plans

and i consider having a bath in the middle of the day.

these actions repair me.

 

 

today i choose to seek out beauty

in my surrounding

 in myself and others.

today i deliver gifts and mail letters.

these offerings of love repair me

(because my heart truly is happiest when i am giving to others.)

these little moments didn't result in my fragile state growing but instead

helped me feel strong again.

weary still?

yes,

of course,

but

 stronger

 than the fragile girl i began my day with

 

 

right now..a list

 

i am canning applesauce;

 grateful i wore shoes being i splashed scalding water all over the floor

 

i am feeling a bit of mounting guilt as i have prepared nothing fabulous for our anniversary today. even though we agreed we were both exhausted from the weekend and would celebrate another day,

that doesn't feel right so i am starting to fret.

 

i am happy to be hanging laundry even though it is October...

the white tableclothes from last night's dinner are enjoying a free bleach

 

i am pretty happy that my living room is clean because i think we are going to be couching it tonight

and eating yummy cake.

 

i am eating.

this is not necessarily a good or bad thing.

it is what it is.

i love applesauce cake.

so much.

 

i have not been able to be in my journal for 3 or 4 days and i miss the time spent there

 

the sky is a brilliant blue

and there are a few sunflowers left in my garden speaking to the sky

secrets that i can't hear.

 

i am working on being brave.

 

that's my right now.

what does yours look like?

 

 

 

 

there is something about the firstborn..

 

there is something special about the firstborn.

the child that, as a parent, allowed me to  gently journey from

"i think i know how to raise my child"

to the reilization that really,

 i didn't  know as much as i thought i did.

 

this boy of mine was in no hurry to enter the world

and when he did,

i was left battered, bruised

but oh so,

head over heals in love.

 

this boy was a gorgeous baby

with his dark hair and long eyelashes

he delighted me as an easy going infant and oh, so sweet toddler.

 

this boy, my eldest child,

he is a mixture of me, his dad and himself.

headstrong and driven

talented and generous.

 

this boy is a natural chef

 and nothing about him delights my heart more

than when i see him loving on raw ingredients and creating magic.

 

this child of mine is one that i now have conversations with about

farm to table initiatives,

we speak of seed purchases and preserving food.

we compare ideas and sometimes disagree

 about what a dinner party should look like and include,

but for some reason,

 i can disagree with him and not feel that panic i feel with other people.

i know how solid our bond is and i know it is unbreakable.

he pushes me to think bigger and bolder.

 

he has dreams that i ache to see him reilize.

 

he is my firstborn.

my, oh so different than myself, child.

 i adore him and all he is becoming.

i am proud to count him in.