Friday, October 19, 2012


i forgot to thank you for a few other things as well..
i think that i see colours more vibrantly
than i did before
and i notice the comfort of soft blankets and hot baths and the
warm grip of a mug of tea
 with an almost
 first love affection.
thank you for that.
i do wonder
 why it is that whenever
i speak kindly of you,
 or to you,
(because sometimes i do talk to you, trying to soothe your torment)
that conversation always seems to be followed by an
extreme testing of whether or not i was telling the truth
in what i said
(and i am...there isn't much room for lying here in this battle we are in)
since yesterday's post
i am in the midst of a most vicious flare
that just won't leave me alone.
 i woke up this morning with an absolute
unshakable sense of
you know the kind,
the loneliness that tricks you into thinking that nobody actually understands you
(or even cares)
it doesn't matter that this loneliness is not true
because for today my emotions have convinced me that it is.
and i struggle to breathe through the physical and emotional pain
that threatens to swallow me whole unless i keep my guard up.
and that
 dear illness
is something that i will not thank you for.
i will not thank you for the emotional roller coaster
chronic, constant, life sucking pain tries strap you into.
i don't even ride roller coasters in real life
and i have no interest in the mental one that i am currently on.
i continue to say
thank you for the colour tweaking
and the truly remarkable life changing work that you are doing
but please
be gentle with me today.
and tomorrow-
i need a break from you.

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