Thursday, October 18, 2012

an open letter to my illness...

dear you,
i want to thank you for
the changes that i have experienced since you joined me
3 (and some months) years ago.
i remember when we first met
i was quite sure that you wouldn't change me much.
we would learn to get along,
 my medications would work
and the whole "i can't eat anything without being in pain"
scenario would be temporary.
i remember that i was able to work
and continue to feel fulfilled in my busyness.
i remember being pretty thrilled with being
"skinny" and having all my clothes feel baggy.
i also remember
that i was still judgemental of others that were not
perhaps as "strong" as i was,
or at least thought i was.
and i remember i had pretty strong opinions
about natural health versus the medical community's way.
i remember being convinced
 that my life
that was then.
today i reilize that you have
actually come along side me and smoothed off my rough edges.
because of you,
your constant presence, pain, exhaustion and unwillingness to leave me
(and yes, it is constant these days)
i have become a softer person,
a kinder person,
a much less judgemental person.
my heart, my way of viewing myself and the world have changed
i have been learning that my worth does not come from what i do
but who i am.
i have discovered that my availabilty to others
 because i am not working
is a blessing.
a gift of time
is important
and wasn't there before.
i was just too busy to truly be present.
so this is the point in our relationship
i need to give thanks.
be grateful for you.
(this is not a strange desire to remain sick.
it is a grateful in all circumstances choice that i am making
trust me,
i want my life back
 but am able to accept the gift this illness brings me.)
oh i know,
there have been many days and nights
where we have raged, where we have wept
and been terrified
by the pain and suffering you have brought
but in the safer hours,
the moments where i am able to see clearly
i see
i see the work that is being done in me.
i see grace. i see understanding. i see humility.
i see an increase in faith.
 i see strength that i didn't know i had.
i see a new practice of living in the moment,
i see an openess to other ways of thinking and living.
i see time to love on others and be an encouragement.
i see trust.
 trust in something bigger than myself.
i also see the work that  still needs to happen
i see a need to care for myself more.
i see a fear of establishment and title that i need to overcome
i see avoidance and sometimes
a big huge case of
i see an unclear health plan for my
i see loss of trust in anything actually working
and thus,
a giving up of even trying to get well.
i see the need to choose wisely
 how i will spend my days
 because there is only so much
 energy left in me
i see the gifts but i also see the lessons
thank you
from the bottom of my little heart.

1 comment: