Feb 27th 2011 Blog #? Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman
Today I learned another lesson about people… Accepting people for who they are and where they are at. The funny thing about it is that it seems easier to do with strangers than with our own family. Somehow the expectations are higher with our own flesh because… well … we expect that all the talking, loving, explaining, & growing would amount to something that is understandable. How can you love a kid so much and yet be cut to the quick by that same kid over something that seems so ridiculous.
You know what I struggle with Tania.. I struggle with being hurt by someone I deeply love.. someone who I think should know me better because they’ve been with me since day one… and when they hurt me I want to just cut them out. Say “get lost” don’t come around me any more… the loss of them seems somehow easier to deal with then the hurt of disappointment or rejection yet again.
With people outside of the realm of family, it seems easier to accept and allow for differences because… well they are strangers or new friends… we haven’t grown up with them, or raised them… the expectations are lower… so it seems easier to understand and accept.
I thought being a mom was going to be ... well... easy. If I did all the right things I would have 3 healthy adjusted kids who would conquer the world because they had been raised well. I thought that raising kids with values was straight forward. I thought 2 + 2 would always equal 4. Yet somehow the more I pour myself out into the lives of my kids the more I feel that I am losing. Losing heart. Losing sanity. Losing the closeness that seemed so easy at 1 and 6 and 12. It seemed so easy when I was deciding I wanted a family. I wanted kids. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to share all the love I felt inside. Now it seems so much harder and I wonder why I wanted to be a mother. It is a life of sacrifice met with ‘your not doing enough’… ‘I’m not happy because…and it ends with some kind of let down that I’m doing’...
Ok.. I know this is all negative. This is all the worst side of motherhood. It is not what I was going to write about… it is just me pouring out what I am feeling instead of crying… I know tomorrow is new day and I will feel better... it's just how I am seeing things today.