always make room for love

i am blessed with a long list

of people who have come in and out of my life

and i have loved them all.

i can say that without the slightest hesitation

because i am a believer and a practicer

of big love.

love that swoops in sudden and fierce

and takes over my heart

and causes it to stretch and get bigger.

love that compells me to

try to make a difference in each life i encounter.

i appreciate

 that i am at a place in my life

where i can trust

the process of letting go.

releasing those that need to leave me

in order for more love to happen.

this has not come easy

and at the end of today when i say

my final goodbyes to two dear souls

there will be heartache and tears

but it is easier than in the past.

it is easier than i thought it would be

even a month ago -

growth is happening.

i know that each time i risk loving someone

so fully and so completely

my life will become more abundant and blessed

i have and continue to learn and be gifted from

each love encounter i undertake.

but it is a risk.

every time.

there is great pain that comes with this practice of big love.

too many goodbyes it seems

and sometimes alot of heartache and

disappointment, sleepless nights, sacrifices,

tears and grief.

but the gifts always outweigh the sorrow

my heart is so much bigger than it was two years ago

filled to overflowing with

daily, consistent instances of love given and love returned

(today we danced with childlike abandon in the kitchen together)

each person- little and big

that has been a part of my life

has taught me more about love than i thought possible.

i hold them, i hold you

in my heart.

and i say goodbye to my dear madison and tejan

and send them on their way to become

brave.strong and true.

.

i want

to shake my house out and keep only that

which is useful and beautiful

to decorate trees in the forest

for you to stumble upon while walking

to become a crazy bird lady whose backyard is always singing

to splash my walls with gorgeous bright shiny colours that

sparkle in the darkest night

to sit at a table full of my nearest and dearest

sharing food and drink and conversations deep into the night

to go out and make such a difference in my little corner of the world

that it can't help but be just a little bit happier

to understand the depth of longsuffering love

so that i can extend it over and over again

to make cookies and candies and yummy nuts

  package them up

all sweetly and give them away with abundance

to crawl into bed at night and hold owen so tightly that

we both feel strong and renewed in the morning.

to rest in the comfort and knowlege that

 every little thing is going to be alright

and the big stuff will be too.

to be strong. stronger than i ever thought possible.

that is what i want today.

the weekend looked like this...

a whole lot of blurry fast driving

amazing sparkling blue sky

torrential snow.sleet.rain so fast and thick you couldn't see

tiny silver.gray spider making a home in my boot

alot of loud music

a beatiful sunset at the Nakusp ferry dock

warm hugs and cups of tea

too short of connections with old friends

hugs and kisses from hannah

introductions and goodbyes all in the same day

a car stuffed so full of groceries that there was barely room for us

too short conversations that are not yet finished

soft coverings of snow

very little sleep

having to say goodbye to her again

a search for good coffee for owen

so many tears on the drive home

so many tears at the ferry

so much gratitude for an early ferry that we made it onto

not very many photos

not very many words captured

lots of love practiced

so much receiving and giving

so many miles

laughter and singing

home. sweet. home.

even though it still feels empty without her.

Big Love

big love looks like this:

buckets of soup

suprise help because my mom followed a "nudge" to come

emails that are supportive and encouraging

fun, laughter filled cookie decorating

financial help

prayers and blessings from people i don't even know

warm prayer blankets

early morning phone calls from Ontario

keifer drop offs from East Sooke

helpful helpful family members who all pitch in to do whatever needs to be done

so much love and hope

safe places for Hannah to rest her head and find her heart

10 random things i love about him...

he warms up my side of the bed for me

we have the same colour eyes

he is the cleverest man i know -

like super smart with numbers, and logic, and how things work

and really good with people too.

double smart

we finish each others sentences sometimes

he laughs at me every single day in the most loving way

and that reminds me to laugh at myself too

he makes a great jar of kefir

with just the right amount of honey and cinnamon

and makes it sound all fancy for me

he's totally okay with going to sleep at 9pm...

imagine how early we will go to bed when we are old if we already go to bed this early!

he always gives me a kiss goodbye and hello

he adores my children.

 they are in essence as much a part of him as they are of me

and it shows.

he reads my blog.

(and cries sometimes)

pray.harder.please.

storm heaven if that's your style

light a candle

send a wish

plea, beg, bargain,

pray

pray until something happens.

let's believe together that this story can have a happy ending.

i need your help with this one

because i am getting too weary

and we are only part way through this race.

she needs a mom that can finish right till the end with her.

thank you.

shelter

we were going for our walk today

through the trail

by the creek

under the canopy of the forest.

it began to rain

and it spashed

quite madly into the creek

but

we stayed dry.

the shelter of the trees

keep the rain from even dampening our heads.

and i thought

right then

about the shelter that i am blessed with.

i have a strong support system around me

holding out their arms,

sending up their prayers and petitions,

covering us with practical buckets of soup,

gentle encouraging words,

daily check ins.

without this shelter

i would think we would be swamped.

we are already very soggy but imagine

without the shelter of family and dear friends?

imagine the relentless effects of a

downpouring that just won't seem to stop

and how cold and dampy and dreary

one would become.

i am grateful today.

so grateful

for the warm fire i sat by for hours yesterday

being listened to and reassured

i am grateful for the bucket of soup in the fridge

so i don't have to have enough energy to cook dinner tonight.

i am grateful for the shelter that is surrounding me

as we plod our way through the storms of life.

really?

sometimes

there are no answers

and there

is no conceivable way to wrap

my head around the questions

and daily situations 

i am faced with.

i shake my

head at owen or myself

or whoever is journeying with me

and i ask

really?

how can this be?

is this really what we are dealing with today?

well,

okay.

and we strap on our survival suits

and go another round.

and another.

and another.

really?

again i ask?

what is the lesson today?

what is the lesson right now?

this moment?

i really wish i knew.

but until i do

i wait

with a hopeful heart.

for my friend...

Grief can be the garden of compassion

. If you keep your heart open through everything,

your pain can become

 your greatest ally

in your life's search

 for love & wisdom.

right now..

right now,

this is my breakfast.

i prefered bacon and hashbrowns.

right now,

the honey that i found

so charming and sticky

and profound just the other day

is  making a mess all over my counter

and i am not amused.

i am also not cleaning it up

apparantly.

i am blogging instead.

right now,

i am contemplating

the mess of a canvas i made

by dumping gray paint all over it.

why gray?

i have no idea.

i am not sure

if gray should be

grey or gray?

right now,

there is a huge pile of leaves

waiting to be composted.

that will happen tomorrow.

i am very fond of piles of leaves

but am craving a

tidy back yard

to gaze out my window at.

right now,

the house smells like brownies

and this is not cool

because i can not eat them.

usually this doesn't bother me anymore.

today it does.

right now,

i am complaining.

i know this.

i can feel it and hear it and i don't even care.

i am letting my complaints out

because then they will disappear.

right now,

i feel like laughing and crying.

at the same time.

i hate that feeling

when it comes.

it makes me feel foolish and like a little

snotty nosed child again.

right now,

i have a to do list on the fridge for the weekend.

there is nothing fun on it.

this will not do.

right now,

i am starting to feel better.

my fingers are slowing down

as they dash across the keyboard

and i can sense

a bit of the ridiculousness

floating away.

that might also

be because it is  nap time.

i am going to miss nap time when they are gone.

i am going to miss

awake time too.

right now,

i am going to go make a new to do list,

wipe up the honey,

make Gideon eat

all the brownies

and leave the canvas

to dry and see what i think.

and maybe after nap time

we will go play in the leaves.

somedays

somedays

there are no words.

just tears

and petitions

and pleas

and prayers

and daily practices

of

gratitude

and caring

somedays

there are no answers

only

millions of questions

and curiosities

and struggles

and battles fierce.

somedays

there is

faith

and hope

and the assurance

that

this.to.shall.pass

that

there.is.nothing.to.big

that

all.things.work.together.for.good.

somedays

even that

doesn't feel like enough

but it is.

it has to be.

today is that someday.

the honey lesson

this morning i was putting

honey into jars

and

because it was

grainy

i decided to warm it and stir it

so it would be easier to pour.

honey is sticky business

and i was quite happily

mucking about

with it.

it occured to me

that the honey with all it's lumps and grains

is alot like me.

over time

i have collected

my fair share

of imperfections

and they seem to

be

making an appearance

through

my health

and my emotions

and some of my choices

and attitudes.

the honey

needs to not be heated  much

or all the beneficial properties will be

destroyed

so it was a gentle stirring and

warming that was going on this morning.

i too am being mixed and stirred

and i am seeking

 gentle ways

so as not to destroy my

valuable properties as well.

i love how the honey

changes from being

thick and white

to smooth, runny and golden.

it flows so nicely into the container.

i am in the process of

building myself a

new container to store myself in

and i am working at

allowing the heat in my life

to make me more easily poured out.

grateful right now

it's been a while.

time for a gratefulness list!

my dad brought me a tub of honey this morning

the leaves were covered with sparkly frost

mittens and toques keep me so warm outside

(i am learning to dress for the weather..it has been a slow process for some reason)

my mom and madison outside having a wonderful chat together

chicken stock simmering on the stove

plans to see my dear Kristin tonight

loving texts sent between hannah and i while she is far away from me

gideon's hugs every day

thaddeus's help this morning without even having to ask

the smell of banana bread

(oh food i do miss you)

one clean window

(many more to go)

anticipating my 29 days of giving which starts soon!

the joy of time to write miss vayda a stack of letters yesterday

becky and owen's early morning telephone calls

owen, every thing about him.

homemade soup dinners that are being brought to us

internet connections with friends that i wouldn't otherwise connect with

hopefulness and the ability to see a bright and shiny future

inspiring words

my slippers

(still my favorite gift from last christmas)

my daily photo that i take just for me

kissing the ground...

"walk as if you are kissing

the earth with your feet."

or

be present in the moment.

that is what i am

attempting

to practice today.

i think it might be easier

if there wasn't a houseful

of toddlers..

however,

i am

reilizing that

deliberate

attention to the NOW.

is valuable

and calming

and

pretty tough!

i am remembering those deep breaths

we need to take.

i am remembering to look with clear eyes

at the natural beauty around me

and draw comfort from it.

seriously,

i am such a nature nut.

the more time i spend

attending to the beatya nnd mysteries

and cycles and ways

of the natural world

the more i am drawn to

the lessons found there.

today

i lined up little tiny leaves on the banister

and then the wind blew them all away.

just.like.that.

this is okay.

the leaves are light and decomposing somewhat already.

i am solid and on a path to wellness.

i shall not blow away

easily.

i shall not blow away at all.

my roots are deep.

and deeper yet they shall become.

an unraveling

there is an unraveling

occurring.

and i can feel it speeding up

and this scares me.

i am not at all surprised

and i feel that i am prepared

i am preparing myself and my family

for what it may look like

i am reading all the right books

i am creating my safety net.

but you know,

despite all these great intentions

and deliberate actions

the truth it

it is scary.

it is frightening to feel yourself fall away at the edges

and know that there is nothing you can do

but let it happen

i don't know a lot about knitting

but i do know that that first stitch is very important

it has to be on just right

and if it is

the rest of the stitches will be okay.

(i think at least - this is what i am going with so don't tell me if i am wrong)

later,

if the knitting is messed up,

you can unravel your stitching and get back to that first

solid connection with the needle

and start again.

so this is what i know for sure

right now.

(these change often these days i've noticed)

i know that i have an amazing capacity

to be unravelled.

i have been unraveled before

and always come back stronger

and more uniquely and closely me.

i also know that i have never

unravelled publicly before

so this is new.

and there is a part of me

today, that is screaming to go hide.

stop sharing.

stop being vulnerable.

(which is why i am blogging in the early am because i might not be brave enough in a few hours)

however, i feel i need to stay connected.

this seems to be important.

here is what unraveling looks like today:
nightmares

lots of tears at random times

deep sorrow

physical pain

a messy messy kitchen

pj's

a warm blanket at all times

so much sadness

so many questions

here is what i also see:

hope

awareness

gentle acceptance of myself

owen right beside me...super close

a slowing down of time that allows for purposeful interactions

hot baths

naps

distractions

this is me today.

tomorrow will be a new story.



Oh my...

We happily set off this morning and expected that life on the road to kelowna would be smooth driving and Lickety split but of course, in keeping with the current theme of our days that was not to be. Somehow we took the wrong exit almost straight away and drove the long way to the highway. Then , we were excited to see snow until thT becMe a bit of a blizzard and caused all sorts of not so delightful or efficient driving accidents to occur. It was amazing to watch people's personalities show up behind the wheels! It took a ridiculously long time to make it over the summit and while we were quite cheerful in our car questions, stress and worry all came to visit us at one moment or another. Happily we overcame our feeds and were quite proud off all thR smart packing we had done - except not an overnight supply of kefir or my morning medicine - but not too big of a deal. Of course, meeting someone at the other end heightens the desire to be on time- which we were not - and I am working on letting that stress go because after all , snow could care less that I have " be on time or forever feel shame" issues. ( thanks for waiting l&k). We limped into kelowna with a tire not keeping pressure, said goodbe to the girl who was happy to be gone from us after a long day in the car. But you know what -we laughed together , sang together, made some fun of each other, talked a we'd bit together and we continue to delight to be in her company. It feels strand to be blogging from a hotel room , feeling this need to connect, keep telling the story . We are convincing ourselves that 630 is too early to sleep and we are gearing up to head home tomorrow in search of clear roads and kefir:)

proud.

my boys don't get alot of blog time

which is more than fine with them

and they rarely

allow themselves to be photographed

which i don't like

but

do understand.

even in this photo

caleb is missing

and that feels sad to me.

i need to stop and really

really give thanks for my boys

right now.

they are

standing strong and tall

and walking with their sister

through things that would send alot of

men scurrying for cover

and they are still young and doing their own growing.

but let me tell you

i have

 never. ever. ever.

been more proud of my children.

these boys are supporting and loving

and are speaking wisdom

 and helping us create the safety net

they are holding babies and changing diapers and reading stories

for me while my attention is very divided.

they are cooking dinners and doing dishes and taking out garbage.

they are chasing and catching the sister when we can't

they are sitting and listening

they are praying and crying and hoping.

they are coming home

and staying overnight and going on family outings

they are speaking their truth

and holding their judgement.

they are showing love and mercy.

and that is just to the sister.

then there is me.

they are hugging and asking and coming along side me.

they are calling and texting and sitting with me.

they are being quiet and respectful and careful.

these boys amaze me.

i am so excited to meet their future wives

and see what love and blessing will be showered

upon them!

my boys are becoming men

men who know what it means to love and sacrifice.

men who are learning about forgiveness and grace.

learning where to place their frustration and fears and anger

learning how to give when they really don't feel like it

and perhaps shouldn't be asked to.

they are learning to make choices that will

allow them to live fulfilling lives

overflowing

 with family and friends.

my heart swells a little when i think of them..

and times that swelling by 3

 and my heart

 is down right plump

i am giving myself a gift

i am giving myself a gift

this year.

i am giving myself the gift of time.

of space,

and rest,

and freedom from the life i have known

for a very long time.

it's not really just me giving the gift though.

it is a group effort really.

owen and my family are giving this gift to me.

caring friends and geneous people

are giving this gift to me.

loving families who

are honouring my decision to care for my body

and are understanding in the sad parting we are undertaking

are giving this gift to me.

the doctors with their stern but gentle words

who started the whole decision making process

are giving this gift to me.

sometimes i need their logic and widom

to not hear only with my heart.

our landlords who charge us fair rent are part of giving this gift to me.

my garden and ability to grow food is giving this gift to me.

the kefir and eggs and honey that are shared generously

and make up my diet

are part of this gift giving.

really,

the gift is a colaborative bringing together of caring and kindness.

and i am excited and scared to see what comes.

i am giving myself the gift of a year.

i am taking a full year off

even if i am miraculously or medically better in

3 or 6 months,

i am giving myself a full year.

january 1 2012 - january 2013

is my year of restoration.

and i

will not

allow myself to work full time again

until then.

that sounds set in stone but it has to be

because this is going to be very very tricky.

even beautiful gifts can have sharp edges.

i have a plan.

i love to plan

and the plan will unfold slowly.

the plan involves anyone who wants to come along with me.

you are all welcome in my story.