Tuesday, November 8, 2011

asking and receiving.

not suprisingly,
i have  a hard time asking for what i need
it's all wrapped up in messy packages
of self worth and martyrdom
and mothering.caregiving
and misplaced understanding
of selfishness and self love
and self care
and all those other themes that will
be explored in depth by myself
during these next few months.

but today,
today i practiced
asking and receiving.
this was not easy.
there were tears
there were fears
but i did it.

today i asked
for a kind nurse.
my mom was with me today
at the hospital and i have always maintained the belief
that she and God have a direct line of communication
going that only seems to come to those
who devote themselves fully to believing in the power of prayer.
she is one of those people

i said to her
"all i really want is a nice nurse."
and of course i was gifted with two.

i was lost and confused and didn't have the proper
and didn't know where to go and was going to be late
oh my this was not a comforting way to start my morning.
i tried to ask for what i needed.
i need help navigating the medical system
please because it is scary and foreign for me
and i am lost.
and i cried.
and the desk lady was very kind to me
and the seasoned outpatient clients were very kind
as they smiled at me and encouraged me to keep trying.

it was sweet really.
this little, newly thrown together family of
people just trying to get better.
i found gifts in their eyes
 in their ability to understandwhat i needed.

i felt foolish of course.
who wants to be the one crying hot tears.
no one really wants that role
but you know what,
there is honesty and vulnerability in tears
and they bring out the best in the people
 who are witness to our tenderness.

today i continue to find the blessings.
i hope dear readers you understand that this is not a show,
these are not hollow words,
i am literally being heaped upon with love and blessings
and i truly believe that when we look for the gifts
 and give them
the credit they deserve
(shout out for the blessings and gifts today!)
more will come.
i do.
i really, really do.

i am thankful for the blood donor
who gave me their B+ blood.
and i am secretly,
like a small child
delighted that I have positive blood.
as if that somehow makes me a more positive person
these are the little gifts that make my heart sing.

1 comment:

  1. You are so brave Tania and so wonderfully honest. We love you!