asking and receiving.

not suprisingly,

i have  a hard time asking for what i need

it's all wrapped up in messy packages

of self worth and martyrdom

and mothering.caregiving

and misplaced understanding

of selfishness and self love

and self care

and all those other themes that will

be explored in depth by myself

during these next few months.

but today,

today i practiced

asking and receiving.

this was not easy.

there were tears

there were fears

but i did it.

today i asked

for a kind nurse.

my mom was with me today

at the hospital and i have always maintained the belief

that she and God have a direct line of communication

going that only seems to come to those

who devote themselves fully to believing in the power of prayer.

she is one of those people

.

100%

so,

i said to her

"all i really want is a nice nurse."

and of course i was gifted with two.

today

i was lost and confused and didn't have the proper

requisition

and didn't know where to go and was going to be late

and

oh my this was not a comforting way to start my morning.

so

i tried to ask for what i needed.

i need help navigating the medical system

please because it is scary and foreign for me

and i am lost.

and i cried.

and the desk lady was very kind to me

and the seasoned outpatient clients were very kind

as they smiled at me and encouraged me to keep trying.

it was sweet really.

this little, newly thrown together family of

people just trying to get better.

i found gifts in their eyes

 and

 in their ability to understandwhat i needed.

i felt foolish of course.

who wants to be the one crying hot tears.

no one really wants that role

but you know what,

there is honesty and vulnerability in tears

and they bring out the best in the people

 who are witness to our tenderness.

(sometimes)

today i continue to find the blessings.

i hope dear readers you understand that this is not a show,

these are not hollow words,

i am literally being heaped upon with love and blessings

and i truly believe that when we look for the gifts

 and give them

the credit they deserve

(shout out for the blessings and gifts today!)

more will come.

i do.

i really, really do.

i am thankful for the blood donor

who gave me their B+ blood.

and i am secretly,

like a small child

delighted that I have positive blood.

as if that somehow makes me a more positive person

...

these are the little gifts that make my heart sing.