considering loss...considering found.

this was a hard blog post to get to.

not because i don't want to share today

i do.

all day i have have my

brain swirling and twirling

about what i am working out

in my heart and soul

and head.

i am

gently participating

in an online course

called

"soul photography"

and

i have learned that it is a gift.

a daily gift to me

at this time in my life.

our assignment on friday

was to document something that i have lost

and something that perhaps i have found

as a result of that loss.

the assignment was posted friday morning

and i read it

and my instant reaction was

fear.

i have lost so much in my life

and i have also gained abundance through those experiences

but this was too close to home.

my life this past year has had a strong theme of loss

loss of health,

loss of friendships,

loss of connections,

loss of the ease of young children,

loss of so much on so many levels

personal stuff you know?

and those are the things i can easily list out

not the deep hidden losses that are still coming to the surface.

what about the loss that we were processing right that day.

how could i already have found the gift in that?

i needed more time.

and then

by the end of Friday night,

we had lost more than we could imagine

and our journey has once again changed.

but today,

monday,

there are gifts.

we are finding gifts.

we are feeling hope.

we are speaking of the blessings in our life.

we are laughing.

we are still weeping and broken and so tender and sore

but we are able to see little tiny glimmers of golden threads

that bind us together.

tomorrow

i spend the day in the sweet care of  the hospital

as i begin treatments to allow my body to stop turning on me.

i am in my last weeks of work as i am having to close my beloved

daycare in order to get well.

there is a story coming about all this

probably tomorrow or wednsday..

or maybe both.

the story is called

"the gift of a year"

i am excited to share it with you.

my photo today is not fantastic or moving

probably to others,

but to me it is capturing one of the experiences

 i am losing and also what i have gained.

being in the company of young souls is the most enriching experience i could ask for.

making the decision to give that up is a great loss.

there is nothing to describe the heartache of saying goodbye before it is time.

i am tired of doing hard things

i sobbed last night

tired of doing hard things!

but today,

when i came home from an emotional appointment,

oh those children blessed me.

and i count our last few days together to be nothing less than sacred.

and precious.

they are a gift even in the process of losing them.