Monday, November 7, 2011

considering loss...considering found.



this was a hard blog post to get to.
not because i don't want to share today
i do.
all day i have have my
brain swirling and twirling
about what i am working out
in my heart and soul
and head.

i am
gently participating
in an online course
called
"soul photography"
and
i have learned that it is a gift.
a daily gift to me
at this time in my life.

our assignment on friday
was to document something that i have lost
and something that perhaps i have found
as a result of that loss.
the assignment was posted friday morning
and i read it
and my instant reaction was
fear.
i have lost so much in my life
and i have also gained abundance through those experiences
but this was too close to home.
my life this past year has had a strong theme of loss
loss of health,
loss of friendships,
loss of connections,
loss of the ease of young children,
loss of so much on so many levels
personal stuff you know?
and those are the things i can easily list out
not the deep hidden losses that are still coming to the surface.

what about the loss that we were processing right that day.
how could i already have found the gift in that?
i needed more time.
and then
by the end of Friday night,
we had lost more than we could imagine
and our journey has once again changed.

but today,
monday,
there are gifts.
we are finding gifts.
we are feeling hope.
we are speaking of the blessings in our life.
we are laughing.
we are still weeping and broken and so tender and sore
but we are able to see little tiny glimmers of golden threads
that bind us together.

tomorrow
i spend the day in the sweet care of  the hospital
as i begin treatments to allow my body to stop turning on me.
i am in my last weeks of work as i am having to close my beloved
daycare in order to get well.
there is a story coming about all this
probably tomorrow or wednsday..
or maybe both.
the story is called
"the gift of a year"
i am excited to share it with you.

my photo today is not fantastic or moving
probably to others,
but to me it is capturing one of the experiences
 i am losing and also what i have gained.
being in the company of young souls is the most enriching experience i could ask for.
making the decision to give that up is a great loss.
there is nothing to describe the heartache of saying goodbye before it is time.
i am tired of doing hard things
i sobbed last night
tired of doing hard things!
but today,
when i came home from an emotional appointment,
oh those children blessed me.
and i count our last few days together to be nothing less than sacred.
and precious.
they are a gift even in the process of losing them.



2 comments:

  1. I love you so much! I hope one of the things you will feel strongly in this time of loss is how much your extended, in-law family loves and supports you!

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  2. Erin @ Wild WhispersNovember 9, 2011 at 11:30 AM

    Tania, You are being so courageous, so strong. You know what my daughters have meant to me as I got emotionally well. Of course that picture is both loss and found strength.

    Remember... without one you can't have the other.

    P.S. Mister Rogers once said that courage is not the absence of fear, but the doing of what must be done in spite of that fear. You, my friend, are being courageous. Blessings... Erin

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