i don't know how to do this very well.
how to care for myself and care for my most precious
i struggle with balance.
i struggle with fear and with feeling responsible for the people in my heart.
this is not a logical complication.
this is a heart complication.
and they seem to be trickier to manage.
i am trying, trying so very hard to learn to balance
my needs, my responsibilities, my love and my overflowing
desire to do right by them.
this all has to do with trust.
i know that.
trust in the creator. trust that we are all exactly where we are meant to be
this journey is unfolding as it should.
i get that.
i believe that.
but it doesn't always help to just know something,
to understand something.
that knowing has to sink down into our hearts and flow through our veins.
this takes time and practice
and there are days when i don't feel like i have enough time.
that my care and love and influence are waning and i need to focus.
focus on loving and guiding and occasionally,
pulling with all my might.
i need to take care of me.
i need to go and accept medicine into my body that renders me useless,
at least by my standards, for days.
i don't want to do this.
i want to be available and fully ready to be
for my children. for owen. for my friend who has a breaking heart.
this is the balance i struggle with
i don't want to go. i want to stay. and be present. but in order to do that,
it seems i have to go. at least for a little while.
i feel like a small child. stomping my feet in protest. expressing myself the only way i know how.
unable to articulate what is really being felt by me.
of course, this will pass and all will continue as it is meant to.
and my articulation, my expression of my stuggle
will improve with time and practice
and i will continue to face each day with determination and grace.
tomorrow will come and go and the medicine will do what it does
and my body will do what it does
and the fears i have around my family will disipate as another day closes.
this is how it works.
and i will sigh and give thanks and begin again.