Wednesday, December 21, 2011

the post i really wanted to write but didn't. until now.

the post that talks about
how hard it is to have her home.
even though it is so wonderful and right
it is still so hard.
even though her laughter fills up the dark corners of the halls
it is still so hard.
the post that has words that speak
of struggle and heartbreak
 and disappointment.

not at her. but at me.
it is important to make that clear.

i have
impossible standards of myself.
i know this to be true
yet i can't seem to change them.
(not yet anyways. i am trying)
i am
in this stage of life
as mother to teenage girl
am unable to
 apply and use the skills and talents
and gifts and wisdom that i possess and have often
practiced and shared.
this is frustrating and scary and oh so disappointing to me.
it is harder than i ever thought possible.

i may very well be the worst mother
to teenage girl ever.

now, i logically know that this is not true.
this is not true
(but it feels true)

there is no yelling. there are no threats.
there are reasonable expectations and consequences.
there is grace and forgiveness and affection.
there are times of communication
  of laughter and joy.
we finish each others sentences and pick up the same items in stores
without reilizing the other is holding and wanting it.


i want our lives to be how they were before.
that is truly what i am grieving for
and i can't have that
i don't even
in the big picture want that.
but oh how i miss the old days..
and they are so close still that i remember
them so fondly
and i can't yet see past this spot we are in.
this hard and mucky and painful spot.
and that not seeing, not having forward vision
prevents me from moving on
with hope and optimism.

i feel stuck.
wanting the curly haired girl and i to be as we were
but knowing that we can't.
i feel stuck
relinquishing my hopes and dreams so that she
can find her own.
i feel stuck.
stuck in an age that is not personal, not about me and not long lasting
but oh it feels like all those things.
it really, truly does.

this is not her fault.
it is not my fault.
it is what it is.
and it comes with great sorrow and great uncertainty
and a battle cry to live in the moment,
take it one day, one segment of time,
really seeing and being and seeking
and letting go.
constantly letting go.

i feel raw. vulnerable. split wide open
cut in half so to speak.
and i know she feels it too.
i know that we both love with a fierce love
and this is a painful process we are walking through.
i can't wait to be done.
you have no idea
(or maybe you do)
how i want to be done with these hard hard years.

so that is the post i really wanted to write these past few days but didn't
after all it's Christmas and such
but this is my life.
this is life.
messy and split wide open
 regardless of the season.

1 comment:

  1. oh Tania.
    Thank you for sharing.
    I really have no idea how hard it is right now for you and your curly haired girl these days. My heart and head feels for you.

    This is a tough one to comment all I have is this:
    "messy and split wide open" ... to think of you like that, I choose to think of a messy when split open but...
    It's healthy for your heart and it's naturally sweet - just like you!

    (And it can lower high blood pressure...which is also something that's helpful when dealing with these tough days!)

    Being messy and split open also means you can let those seeds out - and everyone around you will also grow.
    ...ok. I think that's enough of that metaphor :)

    Take care dear friend xxoo