the story of the year

at our house

the story of 2011

was love.

there was a whole lot of love

given and received.

family connections grew stronger

extended family became closer

frienships battled and won.

love was delivered in

the shape of snail mail,

encouraging emails, soups, friendship, laughter,

 money, prayers, petititons,

grace, forgiveness, and acceptance of each other

just as we are.

love was delivered

through immense heartaches, sickness, loss and devestation.

love was demonstrated

every day in our immediate family

as we grew stronger and closer than ever before.

love is continuing to flow with us as we

anticipate a marvelous 2012.

love becomes stronger

and more steadfast

when we practice vulnerablility

and there was more openness and brokeness

and truth spoken

in our family than ever before.

oh there have been tough days.

heartbreaking days and with those

an amazing strength and solidity

that comes only after being faced with adversity.

love follows us.

it follows us as we struggle with the monumental changes that are coming.

love covers us as we have challenging conversations around

teenagers and money and health and careers and roles

and hopes and dreams.

2011 has been a challenging year.

we had a choice.

 we have a choice still

as to how we embrace those challenges.

we choose love.

we choose relationships

we choose forgiveness

we choose selfless giving to one another

we are pretty proud of how we made it through

still standing.

and more in love with each other

 and

with life than ever before.

2011 has been full of so many gifts.

happy new year's everyone!

my word.

every year i pick a word

here is my post from last year

about my 2011 word

balance.

when i read this older post today

i was suprised and yet,

also,

 not at all surprised

all in the same breath

so much of what

i was hoping for and aware of

and struggling with

in january 2011

i am still working through

today

in december 2011.

and as i have been pondering my

word for 2012

there has been a feeling

that i might still be needing to

embrace and learn from the word

of 2011.

balance.

this has been a challenging

year

yet also

 a year full of so much goodness and grace.

this has been a year of

 heartache and sorrow.

it feels as if

sickness and monumental change

have  followed our every footstep.

 I have taken some enormous steps towards living

a more balanced life

but also some baby steps

that have the potential to become much stronger

and purposful in their daily walking.

I have more to learn

about this word

and what i wrote about almost a year ago

so

this year

this new year that is shiny and new

and full of optimism

my word

is going to continue to be

balance

the start of new beginnings...

i love the new year

and all the potential

that seems to be waiting for

me.

i love making lists

of projects

and plans

and i bubble

with the enthusiasm of fresh starts.

yesterday we packed up the daycare

and

there were moments where i found myself

staggering under the sadness

that i felt

but slowly as the day progressed

i was able to see beyond

the undoing

and begin

to imagine

the possibilites!

today there is patching

and painting

and sorting

taking place all around me

and my mind is full of ideas

full of wishes and hopes for the new spaces

we are creating

in our home.

i have a

sparkling,

 crisp new notebook

just waiting for the janaury lists to arrive

new ideas

new dreams

and so many

possibilites are awaiting me!

did you hear it?

did you hear it?

the big happy sigh at the end of the day yesterday?

the deep, love filled, relaxed exhale of  happiness

occured around 11 pm

and was preceeded by a most wonderful day.

the day would perhaps have looked boring to some

being most of it was spent on the couch.

in fact

i didn't get out of my pj's all day long.

not once.

the big happy sigh was the direct result

of spending the entire day

the

entire day

in the company of my children.

it is true

that saying

you hear

about not really appreciating what you have

until you don't have it.

i didn't really understand that until now.

(even if i thought i might have- i really didn't)

it's only been

during these past few difficult months

of not having what we had taken for granted

or at the very least thought we would always have

that has brought me a little bit closer to understanding

the importance of making every moment count.

for in

 these moments and days

when we are all together and happy and content to just be

in each others presence

i am so aware.

so blessed.

so willing to just sit and let it all happen.

i don't need to force an activity or keep busy

or concern myself with what isn't happening

i am now able to just be.

just be with my kids

relaxed and free from expectations and demands.

so at the end of a quiet and peaceful day

we rolled into bed

  looked at each other

and said

"it has been a very good christmas"

merry christmas

christmas looks like this:

being woken up by giggling teenagers at 7:01

being bounced upon by giggling teenagers at 7:02

four children and one very happy mama all day long

lots and lots of lying around on couches

watching the sound of music

trying to order chinese food but not finding any that were open

cooking christmas dinner with caleb

presents under the tree that brought wide smiles and happy thankyou's

sleeping girl on couch

too much chocolate

afternoon naps

visits from our favorite Shawn

candles and christmas lights

this has been a most awesome day!



merry and bright

may our next few days

be

merry and bright.

might we

soak up the goodness, the noisy chatter

the piles of paper and bows

the sugar and sweets

the turkey and whatever else graces our tables.

let us be

aware that this time is a gift

and it comes but once a year

please be in the moment

whatever that moment may be

wherever we may find ourselves these next few days

and take the gift that is offered us.

may we

hug often and freely

say i love you more than we might normally do.

sing with gusto and dare to be silly

might we

wrap ourselves

 with garlands of generosity and joy

and

catch some of the magic

that sparkles in young eyes.

lets all

smile broadly

and let some of the weariness of the past year go

bless and be blessed.

merry christmas dear family and friends of mine.

love

Love is patient

(that includes with myself)

Love is kind

(always kind. sometimes being silent is kind)

love is not jealous

(of other people and their apparent successess)

it is not boastful or proud

or rude

(not even when surrounded by boastful,proud or rude behaviours)

Love does not demand its own way.

(even when i really, really, really want my own way!)

It is not irritable

(not even on the inside where one can't hear the grumbling outloud except ourselves)

and it keeps no record of wrongs

( there is no place for a nasty list of "you said" "i said" in love)

It does not rejoice about injustice

(but perhaps instead is broken hearted and compelled to make a difference?)

Love rejoices in the truth

(the truth is sometimes not pretty but much more soul building than lies)

Love never gives up

(but remembers that hope springs eternal)

Love never loses faith

(but holds onto what we cannot see!)

love is always hopeful

(oh how i love that word-perhaps it will be my word of 2012)

and endures through every circumstance

(we are stronger than we think thanks to love)

sweet christmas words...

(from Tracy's christmas card)

What Is Christmas?

It is tenderness for the past,

courage for the present,

hope for the future.

It is a fervent wish that every cup

may overflow with blessings rich

and eternal,

and that every path

may lead to peace.

the post i really wanted to write but didn't. until now.

the post that talks about

how hard it is to have her home.

even though it is so wonderful and right

it is still so hard.

even though her laughter fills up the dark corners of the halls

it is still so hard.

the post that has words that speak

of struggle and heartbreak

 and disappointment.

not at her. but at me.

it is important to make that clear.

i have

impossible standards of myself.

i know this to be true

yet i can't seem to change them.

(not yet anyways. i am trying)

i am

in this stage of life

as mother to teenage girl

and

am unable to

 apply and use the skills and talents

and gifts and wisdom that i possess and have often

practiced and shared.

this is frustrating and scary and oh so disappointing to me.

it is harder than i ever thought possible.

i may very well be the worst mother

to teenage girl ever.

now, i logically know that this is not true.

this is not true

(but it feels true)

there is no yelling. there are no threats.

there are reasonable expectations and consequences.

there is grace and forgiveness and affection.

there are times of communication

  of laughter and joy.

we finish each others sentences and pick up the same items in stores

without reilizing the other is holding and wanting it.

but

i want our lives to be how they were before.

that is truly what i am grieving for

and i can't have that

i don't even

in the big picture want that.

but oh how i miss the old days..

and they are so close still that i remember

them so fondly

and i can't yet see past this spot we are in.

this hard and mucky and painful spot.

and that not seeing, not having forward vision

prevents me from moving on

with hope and optimism.

i feel stuck.

wanting the curly haired girl and i to be as we were

but knowing that we can't.

i feel stuck

relinquishing my hopes and dreams so that she

can find her own.

i feel stuck.

stuck in an age that is not personal, not about me and not long lasting

but oh it feels like all those things.

it really, truly does.

again,

this is not her fault.

it is not my fault.

it is what it is.

and it comes with great sorrow and great uncertainty

and a battle cry to live in the moment,

take it one day, one segment of time,

really seeing and being and seeking

and letting go.

constantly letting go.

i feel raw. vulnerable. split wide open

cut in half so to speak.

and i know she feels it too.

i know that we both love with a fierce love

and this is a painful process we are walking through.

i can't wait to be done.

you have no idea

(or maybe you do)

how i want to be done with these hard hard years.

yea,

so that is the post i really wanted to write these past few days but didn't

after all it's Christmas and such

but this is my life.

this is life.

messy and split wide open

 regardless of the season.

today has looked like this...

i woke up with a deep feeling of sadness

so

i hid under the covers for a while

while owen chatted with his lovely sister

on the phone

 then i

staggered somewhat awake

downstairs and in an attempt

to jolly things up

put on our christmas playlist.

after a few songs and a cup of tea

it occured to me

that either we don't have the greatest

playlist or there are alot of sad christmas songs out there.

i turned the music off.

it wasn't helping much.

my mornings are particulary

lovely because i am greeted

by a very cheerful little mister

at my door

and when he drops his stuffed dog at my feet

and chats away about the newest thing

it is hard to feel sad for very long.

however,

sorrow can be persistant

and really,

it probably is a mix of sorrow

and just feeling sorry for myself

which i have no reason to be doing

but hey,

it happens.

so

my glum mood continued

my lovely friend stopped by and after

a rousing chat about the reality of life

and another cup of tea

i was feeling much better

because really,

how long can i afford to stay sad?

i miss alot when I am gloomy.

and i didn't want to miss out on anymore goodness from today.

i really don't!

and of course

 a constant stream

of hugs and kisses

from little people

is the greatest mood booster i know

shadows across the joy

i'm not suprised

to have them arrive.

the shadows that like to

steal the joy

the optimism,

the gratitude

it is my last week of work

and there are deadlines looming ahead

what with christmas and appointments and such.

there is the beautiful blog that i discovered this morning

perfectly composed and beautiful

and it intimidated me

rather than washing over me with beauty.

there is also the sorting and packing up

of the daycare that is beginning

to overwhelm me

what to do with all that stuff

(don't worry mom-i am keeping it)

there's that glimpse in the mirror

that reminds me

that i've been a bit neglectful of myself these days.

what does one do once they no longer

have a job to hide their identity in?

how do i walk through this

transition gracefully, with confidence

and a sense of hope and optimism?

one day at a time.

staying in the moment.

recognizing the anxiety

and giving it space but not power.

making to do lists and crossing things off

one by one.

trusting that i am exactly where i am meant to be

at this moment.

believing that  i have a

bright and shiny future

just as i believe others do

it was strange

to not blog for the past three

days

and it felt odd returning here

as if

the daily habit

had been broken

and wouldn't come back easily.

my words don't flow as easily as they did last week.

it is comforting to return to this space.



birthday blessings...

To my dear friend,

Thank you for being born!

I am so delighted you appeared here,

to frolic and revel in life

at the same time as me.

May your year be lovingly filled

with expansive thinking,

deep loving,

intuitive adventuring

and unfolding of every description.

My you fullly know and feel

the pure value of your being

without performance, proof or resistance.

Mya you receive fully and completely,

each day and night,

all that fills you.

May you give spontaneously without measure.

May you stand (or lie down)

in the center of your life,

without explanation or apology for who you are

in your essence,

for the lessons that come as gifts,

and for your acceptance of those lessons.

May you go inside yourself first

for love and then

receive and accept love from others.

May candles leap high and wild

at the sight of your sweet face.

Happiest Birthday Blessing to you

my endering friend

-sark-

he's a sharer..

i love

the fact

that whenever i ask caleb

a question about cooking

he doesn't even hesitate

in his response.

i love that he

starts rummaging through

the cupboards,

talking all the while

and he

doesn't just answer my question

but he

right then and there

starts to make it.

he chatters away

moving with

confidence and joy

around the kitchen

and before you know it

whatever it was

that i was curious

about

is sitting on my counter

today

i asked about

homemade truffles

yummy chocolate bites

of goodness.

my fridge now has

a plate of them

waiting to be

savoured by whoever

can't resist the

lure of deep rich creamy chocolate.

i love this

 about caleb

i love his enthusiasm

for his craft.

i love that he is a

sharer.

a sharer of what he has learned

and is learning.

when the flu comes to visit...

as i am re reading Ann Voskamp' s

book

One Thousand Gifts

i am

in a heightened state of awareness

around gratitude.

so last night when owen arrived

home from work

very sick

and when i arose from

not a wink of sleep

feeling a little under the weather

i was

careful to look for the good.

owen has a job where he can

stay home if necessary and not be made to feel guilty

we have a big stack of afghans to cuddle under

there are people in our lives willing to bring us whatever we might need

(we don't need anything, which is also a blessing)

as i

have felt less and less well

as the hours are passing by

here is what i am grateful for

thaddeus and his willingness to play with the little ones

carter's amazing interventionsist who feel so at home here

and are so helpful

(my kitchen just became super clean while i read stories)

tea

it is hard practice

always looking for ways to be thankful

and it is

a practice that in my own life

brings abundance

the more grateful i am

the more i see to be grateful for

and the smaller those big problems become

the little problems almost dissapear entirely.

this does not mean that

i am a pro at this.

obviously i am not

but

that's why it's called a practice.

a habit.

a daily intention.

and the little gratitude book

becomes thick with entries

and the blog gratitude lists

keep on coming

and i

count my blessings

one by one

and

before we know it

the flu will be gone.

(gratitude list for today)

the beautiful light that pours through my windows

four year olds who ask to go to bed

the little spots of "pretty" in my house right now

anticipation for our company tomorrow night

the ability to seperate actions from love

the paper chain decorating the bumble bee house in the back yard

warm afghans

a great book to read

scarves

i have men/boys in my life that can cry when they need to

mail

super friendly co-op gas attendants

and of course,

my kefir and honey jar

we went to the creek

this boy and i

summer, fall, winter, and spring

almost every day

for over two years

today

we strung a tree

with a paper chain

that we made together.

yesterday

the tree had a small flock

of blue birds that decided to nest there.

they look quite lovely

i think

and i

giggled

 at the though of who might

stumble upon them

and hopefully

be blessed by their messages

stamped on the back.

perhaps tomorrow

we will add a few

pinecones

rolled in bird seed.

i see this daily decorating

 as a way

of gifting the trail

thanking it for

all of the secrets and delights

that have been shared

with us.

the wonders and adventures

and splashings and runnings.

the milestones of being tall enough

to get up on the stump

and the

 sorrow

when the log was dragged away.

the flora and fauna

that we have encountered

together

deer, squirrels, fungi, wild flowers, snakes, berries, rosehips

ducks, chicadees, slugs

oh!

 our beloved and curiosity provoking slugs

once

a whole family of woodpeckers all in one tree!

we will continue to decorate

the tree

until the end of the week

and leave it

to suprise and delight

those who also love our trail.