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"Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously.

 Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties,

 nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life.

You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems,

but by confronting them courageously. "

this quote arrived in my inbox today.

it is timely

as i work hard to sit in the present

to accept all that comes to me

to not try to rationalize too much

or avoid.

i am learning about sitting with pain.

sitting with discomfort

and fear.

and translating that pain and discomfort and pain

into the gifts that they are.

i like the line

"don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties nor burild mental walls to exculde pain from your life"

that resonates with me.

i am filled with an optimism that seems wierdly misplaced if thought about too much

but really,

imagine the outcome of all this learning and stretching and undoing and becoming

that is going on for me!

i anticipate the me i am becoming.

i really can't wait to meet her.

 

my goal.

"my goal is to change the world one heart at a time"

-mary mackenzie-

starting with mine.

currently loving

white pumpkins

anything and everything written by Mary Pipher

vintage family photographs

my HOPE mug

soul photography

http://www.persistingstars.com/blog/

scarves

affectionate nieces

lazy weekend mornings

this quote:

"today will be joyous. for the beauty slamming against my face is unwilling to be ignored"

craving consistency

i like to consider myself

a go with the flow kinda gal.

flexible. spontaneous. free spirited.

i imagine myself in some other life

being a garden dwelling hippy type

(but i would shave and not smell like patchouli)

however,

 i notice that when my life

becomes a little more trying than usual

i start to crave consistency.

i find comfort in order. in knowing what will come next

i want to segment my day and evening into little

bites of activity and rest.

i want to have a menu plan on the fridge

and a day calendar all filled in neatly.

when i become less and less able to control the people

around me

(not that i am a particularly controlling type

 but enough that i like

to keep my ducks in a row...you know,

know where they are, what they are doing

basic kinda stuff)

i start to control what i can.

which, suprise, suprise

is really only me.

yesterday i wrote out a life line list

to refer to for the next few days

until our family is all together again

(yes, i have a runner and yes, it is the hardest thing ever)

it includes things like daily email/text contact with a few close people.

i am so grateful for the daily little drops of encouragement that are coming my way

(thank you)

and it will include daily journaling so that i can figure out my emotions

rather than spreading them here, there and everywhere.

my craving for consistency seems to also include

sweeping the floor all the time.

and stacking the magazines alot.

there is also some serious baking going on

which i find curioius.

and being here.

writing to myself.

writing to you.

keeping some sort of history of this time for us

so that it can be remembered and learned from.

i am finding that i want to order my days.

and seek comfort in the steadfast and predictable

no matter how mundane or small it may be.

the rhythm of putting on E. outside clothes

brings me comfort each morning

and the ritual of making tea is soothing to my heart.

there is alot to learn from seeking other ways of doing things

for a time, or a moment only

and so for now,

this free flowing gal is going to tighten up the ship a bit and

prepare for the storms that are crashing all around us.

that feeling.

you know that feeling?

when you just want

to curl up in your mother's lap

and sob.

yup.

that's where i am today.

a love note to Autumn

dear Autumn,

i just want to say that

i love you.

there is something magical

about being surrounded

by beauty and colour

everywhere i look.

i love that the leaves

change colour and flutter to the ground

laying me a carpet

to crunch and swoosh through.

i love that hidden under dying vines in the garden

there are round, plump pumpkins

waiting to be discovered

by inquisitive hands.

i feel so blessed when  brilliant blue sky

is the backdrop to the

tree filled with yellow and orange leaves

outside my kitchen window

and i feel hopeful.

thank you for the warmth of the sun

that still allows me to sit outside

every morning.

i love you follow

such a busy summer

and allow for a slowing down

as it stays darker later

inviting me to remain cosy under my blanket.

i love that you are a great reason

to wear lots and lots of layers and warm boots

and wool hats

the markets and stores fill up with your bounty

and i just can't resist

buying your bumpy gourds and oddly shaped squashes.

apples simmer on the stove and

root veggies become my stove's best friend.

but mostly

i love you because of all your colours.

really,

the leaves are my favorite part

of you.

remembering

being i am not sleeping much these nights

my mind has been remembering

all sorts of details.

last night

in a brilliant

but unsuccessful attempt to sleep

i decided to

journal at 2 am

and i found myself

listing memories from

way.back.when.

my earliest memory

that my parents have told me

actually is true

is when i was 3 years old

lying in my crib.

i remember that we had spent the weekend

at my uncles house and i had been to the beach.

i can remember playing under the dock

and the crunching of the stones

somehow i managed to get a

very serious sun burn on my thigh

and so,

there i was,

lying in my crib,

with a bandaged leg

and there were all these grown ups looking down at me

and talking about my leg.

i can still sense their presence around me

speaking softly and smiling.

they seemed so caring and full of concern.

it must have been evening

because they were wearing their coats

 to go home.

my room was just beside the front door of the house

and my crib was along the wall that shared the hallway.

why do i remember this of all things?

why do we remember some experiences as so significant

and let others go forever?

last night i was able to remember

at least one significant

(to me)

memory or experience

until i reached about age 10.

then i forgot.

and then around 12

 i started remembering  again.

i have decided to explore

these memories

and see what they hold for me.

perhaps nothing or perhaps something.

it is a curiosity.

i like curiosities

and who better to be curious about than ourselves.

quiet looked like this...

kicking through falling leaves

and hearing them crunch

sitting in the hot tub and then sitting in it again and again

moving from the hot tub to the bed

eating and drinking all sorts of food that

i really shouldn't but just wanted to anyhow so i did.

watching "breakfast club" with hannah and owen

and remembering just how tricky it is to be a teenager

working in my art journal,

taking two days to arrange a pile of chairs on top of each other

with a glue stick

playing card games with everyone

and driving Thad to distraction

with my relaxed card playing ways

just sitting and listening and being present with my family

cuddling on the most comfortable bed in the world

with hannah, owen and gid

having the grace to listen, just listen

allowing everyone the space to do as they needed

be that sleep, talk, eat, play, read.

celebrating owen's birthday with the quietest of gratitude

for the amazing man he is.

watching the peacocks

not taking even one photo.

not one.

being disconnected from facebook and internet and email

and enjoying that  "forced" break

 for the kids as well.

being woken up to a torrential rain fall

and then experiencing rain and hot tub together.

slowly easing into the return to home

and the realities of what the week will hold.

i am grateful for the rest.

most grateful

this moment

this moment

is like no other.

don't miss it.

remember it.

love it.

and if you don't love it,

change it

and if you can't change it

then learn to embrace it.

this moment

has something amazing

right now.

 i know it does.

and i want to capture it.

this moment

isn't coming back.

ever.

i am being forced

to sit in the moments.

forced because eventually our bodies tell us what to do

by getting stronger or getting weaker.

either way,

our bodies carry alot of influence

and mine is telling me

in a most firm voice

that sitting is the only option.

and so i am

sitting in the moments.

yesterday, when i was forced to sit in a moment

i found myself surrounded by four small souls,

all hugging me at the same time.

it was a little love fest

and my heart soaked up that lovely goodness.

oh my,

it soaked it up.

today,

i am sitting in pain

and allowing my dear Thaddeus

to be my hands and feet

and he is going to be surrounded by that loving goodness.

being forced to sit

prevents me from being in control

chasing after the wandering lost one

i am having to trust more than ever before

having to sit

is clearing time for me to pray.

to seek. to ask. to wonder. to thank. to marvel. to gasp.

to be.

this moment is full.

erosion...

oh,

i can feel it today.

the constant dripping

or pounding

the relentless force that is being tossed my way.

daily.

moment by moment.

and

the cracks start to widen

and the shoulders feel tighter.

and then,

you learn of more suffering or heartache

and share burdens with others

and then it comes again,

in the form of words or actions or lack of either

and the cracks become deeper

and all the

doubt and blame and fear

starts to find easy ways to the surface.

no, no you say fiercly,

stuffing them back down,

but to no avail.

hot tears. tight chest.

open wounds.

erosion of the person i am trying so hard to be.

is this something that can be stopped?

or even prevented in the first place?

and is there not so much good that comes

when we allow ourselves to go where we are meant to journey?

yes, it is painful.

oh.so.painful.

but i know that pain

is not to be shyed away from or feared.

doesn't make it any easier.

but i know that i know

that pain, like any other emotion

is doing what it needs to do in my life.

erosion is altering what exists

and something new arrives

i can't wait to see what it is.

not feeling the brightest...

not feeling the brightest

is what my one child said to me today as a reason

to not go to school.

fair enough

i thought.

 i wouldn't want to go anywhere if i wasn't feeling the brightest either

and then i started thinking.

thinking about the words we tell ourselves

over. and over again.

i "work" pretty "hard" at being positive

and reframing situations to see the "good"

i am able to

"turn that frown upside down"

for the most part.

but i am aware that

phrases like

"not feeling the brightest"

easily slip through my

positivity radar.

not feeling the brightest today.

 means,

i think,

that i am tired.

weary.

don't really want to have to think  or do

more than necessary.

need to be gentle with myself and others.

strip away anything that isn't vital or affirming.

do only what needs to be done.

let the rest go.

connect with loving people

and wrap up in a big blanket as soon as work is done.

allow others to make dinner and tidy up.

rest. bath.sleep.

honestly,

looking at it this way,

in light of all that is going on here in this body and soul,

that sounds like a very bright plan...

perhaps the brightest.

getting out.

i created this little lady at a workshop on sunday.

a workshop that i had no intention

of going to

and that i staggered into

after a tough

weekend with my health

and a wonderful saturday night with my owen.

it is pure desperation sometimes

that drags me out of bed on the weekend.

desperation to feel like an adult.

to connect with owen over more than dinner and chores.

to create something for the over three year old set

is also something that i desperatly need to do sometimes.

so much of my day is spent in the delightful

mindset of young freedom.

there is alot of wonder and delight

and accomplishment and emotional outpouring

going on at my house all day long.

and i love that.

i love the love. i love the wonder. i love the exchanges.

but

i also need to stretch myself somehow too.

i need to feel the challenge of getting out of my sweats

and venturing into the world that i am a reluctant part of.

why do i need to do this?

because i miss experiences

by spending all my days and nights in my own four walls

i miss connections with people

i don't get to stretch myself in ways that can be fun and liberating.

i miss out on the beauty that is all around me.

lately gideon has been taking photos with his iphone

for me.

how sweet is that.

really.

 my man boy is coming home and  announcing

that he saw a ladybug on the bus today and took a photo for me.

capturing his day.

like i do.

i have ladybugs in my backyard as well

but i also want to meet them

in the suprising places

the cracks in the pavement outside the book store

in the folds of my jacket after a stroll along the water's edge.

this weekend helped me.

there was alot of beauty

in places

that i had no intention of ever going to.

i am glad i went.

need to remember.

gideon making lemon bars with me and cracking eggs with his big hands was the highlight of my day.
i am missing hannah's daily.hourly.frequent  texts so so much
it was so sweet this morning listening to madison tell me i am a wondeful girl just like her.
the warmth of the sunshine today while sitting at the picnic table was a bone warming, therapeutic love fest.
 i am reilizing that wanting to just do an art journal and not canvases is perfectly wonderful and okay.
i am safe. i am safe. i am safe.
being surrounded by nature and living things is important to me...i am drawn to the life that is represented.
i want to print off a stack of my histograms to use in my new journal but how? they will be too big. i need to figure this out. soon.
books soothe me.
i can be this tired and keep on going..i was this tired a year ago and i am still going. it is not ideal or easy but it is not impossible.
it is okay to say no but it is also okay to say yes.
having a plan is part of surviving. make a plan. even if you don't stick to it i think the very making of the plan is therapeutic.
get yourself to therapy lady! talk it out. or maybe not.
i love her..she is my beloved daughter who has so much amazing wonder about her. i choose every day to look at the good...look at the good...look at the good. i am blessed to be on this journey with her.
friendship is tricky. very tricky. not in a bad way. i know it's important. i need to figure it out. soon.
sometimes just being in the presence of family is enough. no doing. no fixing. no talking even. just being.
there are lonely days. lonely is a way to make friends with myself perhaps.
i like the smell of butter on my hands and the thought of baking in the oven.
i don't like being hungry. i think it worries me. i don't need to worry. i am abundantly provided for. always have been and always will be. there is comfort there.
 i am drawn to words today. seeking them out, reading them, writing them, looking for them...restless with thoughts.

perfect love cast out fear.

so many of my reactions

can be fear based.

fear really is at the bottom of it all

unless we remember

about

perfect love.

the kind of love that you feel

when you are surrounded by

majestic trees deep in the forest.

the type of love that washes over you

when you gaze into a newborn baby's eyes.

you know the love?

the love that we sense in the crashing surf at the ocean

or when warm water washes over my toes in the tub

or while wandering

 through a garden

 overflowing with wild splendour?

that is what i am holding onto right now.

the belief that perfect love

casts out fear.

and if i can cast out the fear

that is starting to lurk in the corners

of my heart

then everything will be okay.

better than okay.

it will be exactly as it is meant to be

and i won't lose the lessons

because i am so busy reacting to the fear.

perfect. love.

casting out all that fear

(check out alexi murdoch's youtube video - it's only fear(lyrics)if you're the musical type)

good night sweetie pie...

it has been a long week.

there have been longer

and there will be longer yet

but

when i look back on this week

i can honestly say that there

has been way more good than bad

more easy than hard

more laughter than tears.

there have been tears..

quite a few

and there has been hard.

really hard.

but despite the tears and the hard

there has been an abundance

of goodness and grace and love and connection

and understanding and energy when there

isn't really any energy left to be found.

somehow,

again,

we were able to dig deeper than we thought possible

hold onto each other tighter than we maybe wanted to

and we have made it to friday

have a wonderful weekend!

dear maddy said to me as she went down for her nap..

"good night sweetie pie..."

that just

might have been the cutest thing i heard all week.



slow down!

today feels like a marathon

racing along

being swept up with the

hurry hurry

of the crowd.

today feels like a mountain climb

pulling myself over that next boulder

grasping for the crack in the rock

to help boost my tired muscles.

today feels like a track meet

remember going from one activity to another

some of them were great and some were dreaded

but away you went

with the group,

doing your best, or not so best

to collect the ribbon at the end.

that's what today feels like.

a whole lot of busy.

a whole lot of exercise.

a whole lot of racing.

i am looking for the finish line

to show up now pretty quick.

(and i don't even want the ribbon)

i would be very happy to just put my feet up.

swirling of emotions.

anyone who knows me very very well

understands that i am a big believer in the power of grieving.

sitting with our emotions.

allowing the "stages" of grief to cycle through

and take up as much time as they need to.

of course, reading about grief and the

five stages

(or in some cases 7)

makes it sound neat and tidy

and slightly clinical and

"all will be okay soon"

but i know this  not to be true.

the  pain and heartache from years ago

can resurface today and perhaps again tomorrow

and that is how

 yesterday morning

started out so balanced,

and

by last night

i was mourning

a loss from 17 years ago.

and at the same time

hiding in my room

trying to contain the anger

that was competing for center stage

as a result of my current grief with dear girl.

grief is circular i think and very

intertwined with our daily living

and if we give it the voice and space needed

      i shouldn't be suprised when strong emotions

visit me.

i know that our family is

grieving right now.

every single one of us

for the easy comfortable family that we have been in the past

we are grieving

simpler times and yet,

as we bounce around between denial and anger

and bargaining and depression

we walk closer to acceptance.

or do we?

i am having to explain to an older brother

that the tightness in his chest

is not from the flu,

it is from love and concern and loss.

i watch as another

comes home far more often and sits at our table with us

and shares stories of his life to his younger sister.

i see yet another come along side me

day after day

quietly asking how i am.

this is not acceptance.

this is grief -

a sharing of a burden.

i am not there yet.

not even close to acceptance.

i find myself overwhelmed with anger

at these difficult teenage years,

not at the teenager herself

(most days)

while in the same breath

i become aware that i have moved past denial

very quickly

and i know bargaining is a waste of breath

so that leaves me

 anger, depression and acceptance.

and while i prefer to not ever have to choose

i know that i will allow them all to visit me

and we will spend time together

and i will attempt to

befriend all the emotions

regardless of their strangeness

and rough edges.

in the meantime the grief

for the child i never held

and the grief for the child who for now

refuses to be held

exist together in my heart and my soul

and my body

and i sit with

the swirling of emotions that are all around me.