swirling of emotions.

anyone who knows me very very well

understands that i am a big believer in the power of grieving.

sitting with our emotions.

allowing the "stages" of grief to cycle through

and take up as much time as they need to.

of course, reading about grief and the

five stages

(or in some cases 7)

makes it sound neat and tidy

and slightly clinical and

"all will be okay soon"

but i know this  not to be true.

the  pain and heartache from years ago

can resurface today and perhaps again tomorrow

and that is how

 yesterday morning

started out so balanced,

and

by last night

i was mourning

a loss from 17 years ago.

and at the same time

hiding in my room

trying to contain the anger

that was competing for center stage

as a result of my current grief with dear girl.

grief is circular i think and very

intertwined with our daily living

and if we give it the voice and space needed

      i shouldn't be suprised when strong emotions

visit me.

i know that our family is

grieving right now.

every single one of us

for the easy comfortable family that we have been in the past

we are grieving

simpler times and yet,

as we bounce around between denial and anger

and bargaining and depression

we walk closer to acceptance.

or do we?

i am having to explain to an older brother

that the tightness in his chest

is not from the flu,

it is from love and concern and loss.

i watch as another

comes home far more often and sits at our table with us

and shares stories of his life to his younger sister.

i see yet another come along side me

day after day

quietly asking how i am.

this is not acceptance.

this is grief -

a sharing of a burden.

i am not there yet.

not even close to acceptance.

i find myself overwhelmed with anger

at these difficult teenage years,

not at the teenager herself

(most days)

while in the same breath

i become aware that i have moved past denial

very quickly

and i know bargaining is a waste of breath

so that leaves me

 anger, depression and acceptance.

and while i prefer to not ever have to choose

i know that i will allow them all to visit me

and we will spend time together

and i will attempt to

befriend all the emotions

regardless of their strangeness

and rough edges.

in the meantime the grief

for the child i never held

and the grief for the child who for now

refuses to be held

exist together in my heart and my soul

and my body

and i sit with

the swirling of emotions that are all around me.