Wednesday, October 12, 2011

swirling of emotions.

anyone who knows me very very well
understands that i am a big believer in the power of grieving.
sitting with our emotions.
allowing the "stages" of grief to cycle through
and take up as much time as they need to.

of course, reading about grief and the
five stages
(or in some cases 7)
makes it sound neat and tidy
and slightly clinical and
"all will be okay soon"
but i know this  not to be true.

the  pain and heartache from years ago
can resurface today and perhaps again tomorrow
and that is how
 yesterday morning
started out so balanced,
by last night
i was mourning
a loss from 17 years ago.
and at the same time
hiding in my room
trying to contain the anger
that was competing for center stage
as a result of my current grief with dear girl.

grief is circular i think and very
intertwined with our daily living
and if we give it the voice and space needed
      i shouldn't be suprised when strong emotions
visit me.

i know that our family is
grieving right now.
every single one of us
for the easy comfortable family that we have been in the past
we are grieving
simpler times and yet,
as we bounce around between denial and anger
and bargaining and depression
we walk closer to acceptance.

or do we?

i am having to explain to an older brother
that the tightness in his chest
is not from the flu,
it is from love and concern and loss.
i watch as another
comes home far more often and sits at our table with us
and shares stories of his life to his younger sister.
i see yet another come along side me
day after day
quietly asking how i am.
this is not acceptance.
this is grief -
a sharing of a burden.
i am not there yet.
not even close to acceptance.

i find myself overwhelmed with anger
at these difficult teenage years,
not at the teenager herself
(most days)
while in the same breath
i become aware that i have moved past denial
very quickly
and i know bargaining is a waste of breath
so that leaves me
 anger, depression and acceptance.
and while i prefer to not ever have to choose
i know that i will allow them all to visit me
and we will spend time together
and i will attempt to
befriend all the emotions
regardless of their strangeness
and rough edges.

in the meantime the grief
for the child i never held
and the grief for the child who for now
refuses to be held
exist together in my heart and my soul
and my body
and i sit with
the swirling of emotions that are all around me.

1 comment:

  1. What can be said? Grief is unanswerable. The only words in my heart right now are the ancient prayer, the cry of the child: "Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with three; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our deaths. Amen."